Love Dare Revisited
Since I posted the last post I have come to realize a couple things. I am ,what I would consider, a mean person. I say the most terrible things and do the most terrible things yet he still has faith in me and he still loves me. He would only want to go if I told him that I didn’t want him here. The only times when I feel that I don’t want him here are when I feel that he doesn’t want to be here. I believe we can get through everything if we both want to be here. How do we have faith through the hard times that we both want to be here? Do we hold on to a dream that we both share? What if one of our or both of our dreams change? What if we change as people? Why do I always try to convince him that he doesn’t want to be here? Why do I demand to be loved a certain way, possibly a way he doesn’t want to love me? I guess I have to love myself the way I want him to love me and go from there.
Sometimes I blame my parents for not being very good role models and I get so caught up in that I forget to realize that I am being a role model for my children. I do not want them to accept me this way I believe it is a terrible way to live. Through anger that is. I know that under anger is pain and I realize that I have a lot of pain to work through. I feel like I go from talking about our love to talking about myself. However as the book says we are all selfish right? You have to love yourself before you truly love others, correct? Oh so confusing. I have yet to get beyond day 2 so this is going to be a challenge for me. I seriously believed that I loved you so much that I would fly through the 40 days and it would be easy for me. I thought you should be the one to do the Love Dare, not me. How silly is that? I thought that instead of giving my advice I would take it for once. I have made a promise to myself not to give advice unless it is asked of me. That will be hard because I thought that when you care about someone you give them all the information you know so they can have the good parts of your life and the good parts of theirs…not the case.
I went for a bath yesterday to clear my head and took the Love Dare with me. I read the #1 and #2 and realized that I hadn’t got beyond #2. While I was lying in the bath as crazy as it may seem I thought of another man. Not in the since that I wanted to be with him just a previous relationship. I realized that this other man may have truly loved me. He was patient, he was kind, he was thoughtful and I don’t know really what else because our relationship never progressed. It never progressed because of me. I then started to think about how great you are the things you say and do for me without asking without complaining, without rolling your eyes, you just do them. You just do them because you love me. Does that mean that you know how to love and I don’t? That’s not fair. I am the one who read all of the relationship books and tried all of those activities how could it be that you know how to love and I don’t.
I get upset with your mother because of how she is to me, she taught you to love and I am upset with the fact that my mother didn’t teach me to love and your mother did and that I am upset with her for it.
I once and a while think about what it would be like not to have you and my heart not only deflates it goes hard and cold. Imagining not spending a happy life with you disappoints me. I could not bare to keep you in my life and then make your life miserable. What a terrible destiny that would be? A terrible life not just for you but for me. I wonder then who would have it worse. You because I would make your life terrible or me because I would not only be living a terrible life on the outside but the inside as well. I will not do this to you, you are my best friend, my lover, the father to my children how can I allow myself to give you a terrible life. That is not fair, I know life isn’t fair however I could make your life so wonderful, however then I am afraid that my life would be the crappy one. I fear that I would have to live a life with “I love you” being the only cherished words you say to me. I want you to love me different and you don’t and I am angry with that….if you loved me….(I think to myself)…if you loved me you would love me the way I need to be loved would you not. After going through one divorce sometimes I feel that I deserve it more than you. I have had more pain I have had more strife and yet you get the good part. You get the part full of love and life just because you lived your life perfectly. Sometimes I am angry that you have never felt that pain, yet I am relieved to think that you have been spared that in your life, how can I put you through this terrible relationship, then I think, I deserve to have a great relationship this time. Is it just up to me…..a great relationship….will it be as true to you as I want it to be to me. I want to be on the same page. I want to experience the same feelings at the same time as you. I want our souls to be joined. You don’t believe in things like that….oh how can I go on with you in my life if you dont’ believe in love in the same depths that I do. Or do you….do you believe that love goes really deep yet you don’t have the words, you have said that before, that you don’t have the words. You haven’t purposed to me yet and I wonder why….ha I wonder why? After all the terrible things I have said I wonder why? Is it because you really don’t love me and you want me to suffer. Is it because you want our marriage to start of great. Postpartum and have a great relationship…that would be spectacular…how to I continue to love you this way if it is not given in return. Does that mean that people just can get together and work at a relationship and claim love. If so then should I have gotten a divorce, what about our daughter though I would not trade her for anything. I have come to the conclusion that the decisions I made in the past have brought me to where I am today. I do love you, I love the daughter to gave to me and the son you call your own. I love the laughs you share with me and the way you kiss my neck. I love the way you smell or the way the house gets to hot for you. I love the fact that you will sit in your underware and me fully clothed just so I can be warm. My love for you is deeper than the fears that I share. Moving on to day #3.