Ever Growing Love For You

So I have realized all of the insecurities I have during all of this.  This love dare is just loving myself unconditionally and if you do the same then were good.  And being human of course.

I sit here and the phone is ringing…it is you and I am not answering the phone….I heard your message so I got up and phoned you…you didn’t answer….I text you…you phoned me…we argued….I hung up…I text you we argued…I hung up.

What in the world is happening?  I do not understand.  Everytime I try to get close to you emotionally I feel like you push me away.  If you are pushing me away then what in the world am I doing here.  We are not married and you haven’t asked me.  I am upset at that.  You have betrayed my trust and I do not know what to do.  I am so upset with you for putting me in this situation, then I think back and it is alllllllllll my fault that we are here.  I try to be positive and this past week had been really great.  However I still feel like you are hiding something.  What are you hiding?  Every other time I have felt that you were hiding something I was right. ERRRRR….

I really hate this feeling of you hiding something because I have no control over what you are hiding or when or if you are ever going to tell me.  I feel so far away from you when this happens.  Am I the one who is pushing myself away?  Why?  If that is the case, why?  Why do I not want to be close?  Fear that I am going to be husbandless….ha ha ha.  I already am.  I am so angry with you for not purposing to me.  I am the mother of your child, you said that you were going to marry me before however I feel that we as women have to be perfect in order for men to purpose.

I feel that you want this perfect relationship however you are unwilling to help with the perfectness.  I feel that you always just let things happen all of the time.  I feel like proving you wrong.  I feel like letting things happen to me and not making them happen and then have you realize that never having any action is not putting your heart into it.  Man am I so frustrated right now I feel like this whole love dare thing is just a way to make me be “the perfect” partner for you with me doing all of the compromising.  I don’t believe it.  I don’t believe that I should do all of the compromising.  Why?  Why when you have made no commitment to me or our family?  Why should I consider myself your life partner when I have the feeling that you don’t want me?

You would have left really early this morning for school why?  You have also been leaving early most of the week?  Why?  You checked your phone this weekend when everyone who would have phoned you is in the room.  Why?  Why do I get to feel this way?  Why do I yet again in another relationship that I feel that I had dedicated myself to get to feel this way?  I do not want to feel this way.  I want things to be simple in this respect.  When this feeling isn’t here our relationship goes great.  It is when this feeling is here that our relatiohship SUCKS!

However it looks like I am the one to always start our relationship to SUCK this way.  You don’t complain to me about me, you don’t try to change how our relationship is, this is what my ex-husband did yet he then all at once had all of these problems with me.  I don’t want that to happen again.  I am so afraid for it to happen again.  I would now have to deal with a 4 year old and an infant…..omigoodness…what have I done.  Is my judge in character so bad that I did it twice? 

Why do I need to feel this way?  How can I sit back and allow you to guide my life to ruins by cheating on me or by deciding that you don’t love me?  Why can I not be the one to just said that’s it?  I am tired of being unhappy with our relationship.  Other than me talking to you about my feelings of you hiding something you say there is nothing wrong with our relationship.  I am not getting my needs met however you get yours met.  This is not fair.  Life is not fair I know.  However why can’t I have a man who wants our relationship to be better and to take the initiative to make it so?  Why do I have to be the one to do it?

I suppose it will be something like there is something wrong with me and I need to fix it then all of my relationships will improve.  That it is one of those life changing events.  I do not understand.  I have read so many books and did so much work on myself yet here you are you do absolutely nothing.  I feel like we will not ever have a rich relationship because you are so bland.  Sometimes you bore me.  I am so angry with myself for feeling this way.  Why can I not be satisfied with mediocore or blandness?  Our life is no fun.  I feel like I am the only one who brings fun to our relationship, then I get upset because I am always bringing the fun and you get to experience someone bringing you fun yet do not provide me with any fun.  If you want this relationship to end then lets end it.  I am not interested in being with someone who is not interested in being with me or working towards a great relationship.  This is sooooooo…. frustrating.  Please advice is welcomes I am lost….

Since I posted the last post I have come to realize a couple things.  I am ,what I would consider, a mean person.  I say the most terrible things and do the most terrible things yet he still has faith in me and he still loves me.  He would only want to go if I told him that I didn’t want him here.  The only times when I feel that I don’t want him here are when I feel that he doesn’t want to be here.  I believe we can get through everything if we both want to be here.  How do we have faith through the hard times that we both want to be here?  Do we hold on to a dream that we both share?  What if one of our or both of our dreams change?  What if we change as people?  Why do I always try to convince him that he doesn’t want to be here?  Why do I demand to be loved a certain way, possibly a way he doesn’t want to love me?  I guess I have to love myself the way I want him to love me and go from there.

Sometimes I blame my parents for not being very good role models and I get so caught up in that I forget to realize that I am being a role model for my children.  I do not want them to accept me this way I believe it is a terrible way to live.  Through anger that is.  I know that under anger is pain and I realize that I have a lot of pain to work through.  I feel like I go from talking about our love to talking about myself.  However as the book says we are all selfish right?  You have to love yourself before you truly love others, correct?  Oh so confusing.  I have yet to get beyond day 2 so this is going to be a challenge for me.  I seriously believed that I loved you so much that I would fly through the 40 days and it would be easy for me.  I thought you should be the one to do the Love Dare, not me.  How silly is that?  I thought that instead of giving my advice I would take it for once.  I have made a promise to myself not to give advice unless it is asked of me.  That will be hard because I thought that when you care about someone you give them all the information you know so they can have the good parts of your life and the good parts of theirs…not the case.

I went for a bath yesterday to clear my head and took the Love Dare with me.  I read the #1 and #2 and realized that I hadn’t got beyond #2.  While I was lying in the bath as crazy as it may seem I thought of another man.  Not in the since that I wanted to be with him just a previous relationship.  I realized that this other man may have truly loved me.  He was patient, he was kind, he was thoughtful and I don’t know really what else because our relationship never progressed.  It never progressed because of me.  I then started to think about how great you are the things you say and do for me without asking without complaining, without rolling your eyes, you just do them.  You just do them because you love me.  Does that mean that you know how to love and I don’t?  That’s not fair.  I am the one who read all of the relationship books and tried all of those activities how could it be that you know how to love and I don’t.

I get upset with your mother because of how she is to me, she taught you to love and I am upset with the fact that my mother didn’t teach me to love and your mother did and that I am upset with her for it.

I once and a while think about what it would be like not to have you and my heart not only deflates it goes hard and cold.   Imagining not spending a happy life with you disappoints me.  I could not bare to keep you in my life and then make your life miserable.  What a terrible destiny that would be?  A terrible life not just for you but for me.  I wonder then who would have it worse.  You because I would make your life terrible or me because I would not only be living a terrible life on the outside but the inside as well.  I will not do this to you, you are my best friend, my lover, the father to my children how can I allow myself to give you a terrible life.  That is not fair, I know life isn’t fair however I could make your life so wonderful, however then I am afraid that my life would be the crappy one.  I fear that I would have to live a life with “I love you” being the only cherished words you say to me.  I want you to love me different and you don’t and I am angry with that….if you loved me….(I think to myself)…if you loved me you would love me the way I need to be loved would you not.  After going through one divorce sometimes I feel that I deserve it more than you.  I have had more pain I have had more strife and yet you get the good part.  You get the part full of love and life just because you lived your life perfectly.  Sometimes I am angry that you have never felt that pain, yet I am relieved to think that you have been spared that in your life, how can I put you through this terrible relationship, then I think, I deserve to have a great relationship this time. Is it just up to me…..a great relationship….will it be as true to you as I want it to be to me.  I want to be on the same page.  I want to experience the same feelings at the same time as you.  I want our souls to be joined.  You don’t believe in things like that….oh how can I go on with you in my life if you dont’ believe in love in the same depths that I do.  Or do you….do you believe that love goes really deep yet you don’t have the words, you have said that before, that you don’t have the words.  You haven’t purposed to me yet and I wonder why….ha I wonder why?  After all the terrible things I have said I wonder why?  Is it because you really don’t love me and you want me to suffer.  Is it because you want our marriage to start of great.  Postpartum and have a great relationship…that would be spectacular…how to I continue to love you this way if it is not given in return.  Does that mean that people just can get together and work at a relationship and claim love.  If so then should I have gotten a divorce, what about our daughter though I would not trade her for anything.  I have come to the conclusion that the decisions I made in the past have brought me to where I am today.  I do love you, I love the daughter to gave to me and the son you call your own.  I love the laughs you share with me and the way you kiss my neck.  I love the way you smell or the way the house gets to hot for you.  I love the fact that you will sit in your underware and me fully clothed just so I can be warm.  My love for you is deeper than the fears that I share.  Moving on to day #3.

Yes my love we have just recently watched the movie Fireproof and I was upset at the fact that you didn’t do the romantic things that I have always wanted to have done.  Now that I look at it, I haven’t really been consistent either.  I feel like every horrible thing that I have done or said to you I need to do 1000 great or beautiful things to make up for the ways I have made you feel which were less than on top of the world.  I decided that since this past weekend was one of the worst weekends of my life I am commited to you and I promise to be better.  My love for you has grown over the past 2 years and I understand the potential it has.  I am looking forward to facing my fears and loving you with my heart and soul.  I start the love dare to day after yet another terrible yesterday.  I want those days to be long gone.  I feel like a failure and I want to be successful in my love for you.  For that to occur I am going to get over the fears I have not just for you, for me, for our children.  I love you, I always have….now I want to grow our love.