Robin’s Hope

Today I begin the Love Dare again. I decided to back up to Day 7 and begin there.  I need to remember that I began this journey the second time to strengthen my marriage. I didn’t know that we had problems. Now, I am beginning to wonder if I am the one with the problem. My husband and I finally talked on the phone Thursday morning. I had sent him an email basically asking him to make sure his notes, etc. with this other lady not touch our home. If he had anything to leave it in his car or at work so I didn’t see it. He called asking what I was talking about. He went on to say he wasn’t even sure what note I had found. He thought maybe it was from last October when he was leaving me. The note I found could have been the apt/condo he had found with the rental agents name. He said he, at that time, didn’t want me to know where he was moving. -He wasn’t thinking clearly because I would have to know where he lived because of our children. He asked me how he could cheat and when he’d have the time. He works off duty and 40 hours a week. He said he wouldn’t do that to our family. Then it was flipped to me…I am negative, I don’t trust him, financially I am killing him, the kids side with me, etc. So what started as me being upset turns to being my fault.

All day Thursday I thought about what he said. The negative I have really worked hard on over the last year. He couldn’t give me examples except regarding my daughters school. As a mom I am going to take care of my kids. So I will just have to accept that because I am not going to allow my daughter to be bullied in school. He mentioned his mom and dad. His dad is great. I have invited them for dinner and encourage get togethers all the time so he took that back. His mom I just don’t go around. She is a good person at heart but tends to tell stories and forgets what she says because she has so many stories going on. She called my daughter a liar 3 Christmas’s ago (because my daughter called her on a story) and since then I have lost respect for her. My daughter rarely sees her unless her dad makes her. I accept his mom as his mom and respect her. I just distance myself to keep peace. I will invite her for Thanksgiving and Christmas - we see each other throughout the year but I don’t call everyday like I did when we first married. We don’t fight because we don’t see each other often. I think he realized a little he was bringing up an old arguement.

Financially, there is never enough money. My work has slacked off because of the economy and we are definitely feeling it. I will not accept all the blame for it. He just doesn’t involve himself with the bills. It stresses him out. So I stress - alone. There are times it is impossible to make all the bills. Plus the fact I don’t say no to our kids, especially my daughter who dances. I do need to work on that word. NO! I will really try. I told him he could take over the bills anytime but he didn’t want too.

The kids are very close to both of us. Usually, my son is always with Dad and my daughter is with me because of baseball and dance. We have strong relationships with each child. When my husband and I argue or get upset we handle it two ways. He is vocal and hurtful with words. I am emotional. I think the kids tend to circle me as protectors. Its not their job and in order to prevent that we both have to watch how we argue. We will argue…I believe if you don’t than you aren’t normal because marriage is about two people who have two different views. If you don’t than someone isn’t being honest. BUT its how you handle it and we are not handling it well as parents. So I will focus more on this and pray for direction with this area.

Trust is a huge issue with me. Several years ago we had an incident that rocked our marriage to the core. He promised he never cheated on me and it was a misunderstanding. I think I have forgiven and put it out of our lives then something happens to bring it all back with a vengeance. For example the note I found hidden. When he explained it and I heard him explain it, it made sense. At the time I found it I saw red and couldn’t be reasoned with even if he’d tried. He knew that so he let me cool off he said. I know I have a huge issue with trust thats going to destroy my marriage if I don’t get a handle on it. But how? How do I leave my mistrust behind in the past and move forward? I don’t want to feel the “hate” that comes from the emotion. It eats me up from the inside out. It trickles down to effect my children who should not be effected. I know that it I don’t control it one day I will not have a husband to share my life with.

I have a lot to work out and work on. I didn’t know what to do the first of the week and now I have more than enough to work on. I have got to turn this over to God so he can help me and direct me. I don’t want my faults to destroy my family. My family is the most important thing in the world to me. So I begin again today… Prayer’s up!

Robin”s Hope

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 31st, 2009 at 6:13 am and is filed under Uncategorized and. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.