Honestly- what next?
I have been very honest with this blog. So I am going to be completely honest tonight. I have no idea what to do with my marriage. I honestly didn’t know I had a serious problem. I began the Love Dare again just to reinforce my marriage. I also wanted to complete the entire 40 days. I began a Facebook group of moms to do the Dare’s.
My husband and I began fighting about a trip he was taking to the beach over the last week. He kept changing his dates and when he was going but would tell me I didn’t hear him right. Or our children didn’t hear him right either. Anyway, Thursday came and we were barely speaking. He had packed everything and went to work. He was to leave sometime in the afternoon. I was off Thursday. I went into our bathroom and his shaving bag was on the sink. I noticed he had a bottle of Melatonin on the top. (Natural sleep aid) He hasn’t used this in a while so I wondered why he was taking it. I have no idea why but I picked it up and opened it but I did. Inside was a folded up note. It had a lady’s name on it. Pricing on a 2 bedroom condo. I think the name of the condo complex but I couldn’t read it. - I became very upset. I sat and cried a while then I sent him a text. I text “I found your note in the melatonin bottle. Hope you and _______ have fun. I am DONE.” I then looked through everything we have in our bedroom. I went through his neatly packed suitcase. EVERYTHING! I found out for a fishing trip he was taking very nice clothes. He did have fishing clothes too. I didn’t find anything else. Our bedroom looked like a bomb went off in it- I went and ate lunch with my son at school after I calmed down. Mainly because he cried on the way to school because he wasn’t allowed to go with his Dad. - When I came home he had come, packed up his things and left. That was Thursday at 12:00. It is Friday night at 11:15pm and he hasn’t called me (which I didn’t expect) or the kids. Our kids have their own cell phones. Our son is battling I think the Swine Flu and he doesn’t even know he’s sick. I am not going to call him either.
I am completely lost…where do I go from here? If there wasn’t anything to the note why was it hidden? If he was even a little worried about our marriage wouldn’t he have defended himself? I went that day and looked for an apartment. I was determined to be out when he got back. Well, thats easier said than done. Apartments have to be found, deposits made and children prepared. How is this going to affect my beautiful gifts from God, our children? I think I am numb. I have no idea how to handle this. Where to even begin? I am scared he will come home and I will miss him so much I will just forget like I always do. I DESERVE better. I know with the Dare we are not to blame because its selfish but I have listened to this man degrade my christianity, destoy my self esteem and continue to make me doubt his faithfulness for years. How much do I continue to allow happen before I say enough!!!
Over the years I have gone out of town to visit my dad or mom, taken our daughter to dance competitions or stayed at a hospital with his mom overnight. I have never gone away with friends. I think because of this kind of thing. I never put myself in situations that can lead to misinterpretation. I have no doubt that he knows I have been faithful since the day we said I do. He goes to races, leaves on business trips, fishing trips, motorcycle (dirt bike) adventures. Anything he wants to do. There have been many times questions have come up or others have told me things regarding these trips. I have doubts but have always chosen to listen to him. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I am wearing a neon sign that says “I let my husband cheat on me”. I have prayed and prayed about this. I am not angry like I was. I am determined not to argue about this and hurt my children. I don’t think I can continue my marriage. I am so tired of the hurt. I am also tired of the work this marriage takes. I know love isn’t easy and you have to work. But all work and nothing back except heartache is not my idea and marriage.
Where do I go from here?
Robin’s Hope
October 24th, 2009 at 6:53 am
I know it is tough especially on children, which mine are grown thank God but still tough on them. What I am about to say will probably make you angry and hurt but I will pray! First, patience is a test of faith! Are you trying to fix your marriage or are you allowing God? Love Dare is not about fixing your marriage it is about fixing you and our relationship with the Lord. Can you forgive your husband if he commits adultery? Right now it seems the harlot along with satan has their grips in your husband, and I understand it is shaking your emotional routes to the core. Many now in our society would say get a divorce, including Christian’s who call themselves friends, but what does God say? God says: “I hate divorce”. Malachi 2:16 I know its tough on you Robin as its tough on me and my rival is not another man but money. My wife will not talk of our relationship until our debt is paid which should take me five years at this point. Even though I get discouraged and you want to give up and you know that maybe just maybe my wife could meet someone else I am constantly sent back to the question: Who is in control? God is. If we lose faith Robin then divorce lawyers win. Unfortunately in my readings of scripture adultery does not constitute divorce in scripture. You feel rejected and your trust violated and my heart hurts for you as you are my sister in Christ, but how many times was Christ rejected and yet, HE still forgave us all. If you allow you temper to control you with outburst and this is where I am an expert, then you give way to satan. James says: If you call yourself religious and cannot bridle your tongue then your religion is void. You need to first pay attention to the children giving them a foundation to hold on to, which is in our Lord Jesus Christ. Second commit your husband to God’s care and pray for him constantly and asking God to give you strength. I am doing the dare now for the third time but its about my relationship with the Lord and constantly asking myself where is my faith and who is really in charge. I wrote a special poem about my wife for November 1st our anniversary 30 years and she will not talk with me. It has been 84 days today. I will not get to spend Thanksgiving with my family so I voluteered to work at the Salvation Army kitchen that day to serve God, not waller in self pity, putting my faith in God first. If I lose my faith in God then I will go to pieces seeking a divorce against God’s will. If I do this then I am seeking my will. I am thinking of me and not God. As to your question: “Where do I go from here”? I would say to scripture daily giving your will to God and let God take over in your life. Divorce is not an issue and refuse to fall to the fallacy that divorce is the only answer as God hates divorce. It does not matter if my wife never comes back I will never file for divorce because I serve God not myself, nor will I sign papers for divorce or ever take my ring off. My children need to see me as committed to the Lord and if I have faith then I believe my wife will come back home and our marriage will be stronger for it. God is a God of miracles, put your faith in God, do not lose your temper in front of your husband just kneel and pray if you feel anger coming on even in front of your husband. Submit your self unto God, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Anger is of satan, as is confusion. You are on my prayer list. Keep the faith.
October 24th, 2009 at 10:33 am
One more thing I would like to mention, we all fall short of the glory of God. How can I get the splinter out of my neighbors eye when I have a log in my own, not knowing that I even had problems, God will reveal them. Adultery is believed by the world only to be used in marriage but this not true. Christian believers who walk out of step with God who prior committed themselves by accepting the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal Savior through their vow now are adulterous in God’s eyes, yet when go back to God and with humility and contrite heart seek forgiveness, then God looks past our adultery against him and forgives, so why can we forgive if our spouse also commits adultery? I cannot say if my wife has committed adultery against me, but I can say with almost certainty that we both committed adultery against our Lord. You lose a trust in your spouse that is adulterous and forgiveness will eventually build that trust back up, its tough. A person of faith will seek wisdom from God by just asking with prayer constantly. Wisdom cannot be taught, nor can you be born with it and only comes from God for those with faith and who ask for it. Seek out God with your faith, have Him reveal your weaknesses first to remove the log in your eye before looking into your husbands eyes. My wife is of your mind that she is without blame for my anger, and most maybe true but she neither perfect and sin is sin no matter what the sin such as lust, jealousy, anger, etc. If your Church or Christian friends tell you to divorce, run do not walk away from them as this is against God’s commandment in Malachi 2:16 and supported in Mathew and Luke spoke by our Lord Jesus Christ.
October 24th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
I want to thank you for your comments. I am not sure I am ready to even think about my marriage. Might sound harsh but I am being honest. I do want you to know I am not blaming my husband for everything. I have my faults. I am in no way the perfect wife. I can say I am trying to make a difference in myself for me! I tried to change for him but I can’t. It doesn’t help us it just makes him feel better. Inside it eats me up. SO now its all about me and in turn was supposed to help us without me getting lost again.
I understand that God doesn’t want divorce. I don’t want it. I also don’t know that God would want my family ripped to shreads. The only way that this could work is if I could forgive and let it go. I am not sure I can do it AGAIN. How many times am I supposed to do this? My daughter is 12 and very smart. What am I teaching her? Let your husband walk all over you? I want more for her.
I am upset and still very angry. I am taking time with my kids this weekend and trying not to think about him at all. I just need a “time-out”. I am going to church tomorrow and pray that God works on me. I need his direction and I also need to be open to hearing it.
Again thank you for your comments. I will think long and hard about what you’ve said. I am not ready right now to do that. I want to be selfish and block it out and enjoy this time with my kids.
Robin’s Hope
October 27th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Hi Robin. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for you and I would pray that you would above all else seek God. I pray that you would allow Him to begin to heal your pain and give you guidance as to what you should do. I know it isn’t easy but pray, pray, pray. And I will be praying with you. Make Psalm 143 your constant prayer to God. Verse 8 especially speaks to me. It is my prayer to God every evening. “Let the morning bring me word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.” God loves you so much. His love never fails us. Let Him wrap His arms around you and love you as no man could ever love you. He is your Comforter, your Healer, your Helper, your God. Cry out to Him. Allow Him to speak to you through His word. His love is perfect.
October 27th, 2009 at 8:17 am
One last thought… My pastor told me that I should realize that the enemy is not my husband. But it is Satan. Seeing things that way has helped me to forgive my husband for the past and pray for his future. Satan is the enemy and he comes to steal our joy, kill our hope, and destroy our lives. Pray against Satan. Try to love your husband through Christ and pray against Satan’s influence in his life. Remember Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”