Love Dare thoughts

I started this back in May.  I went through a few days, then ground to a halt when it came time to actually do something that involved talking to my wife. Now it’s November, we’re worse off than before, and I’m thinking it may be time to go at it again. Right now, it seems like she is planning on divorce before the end of the year. Her heart is very hard toward me and I don’t think she’s interested in letting anything thaw it out. I can’t believe we’ve gotten to this point.

Back in May, Day 1 was easy. I am a conflict-avoider and so is she. Now that it’s November, we’re just spouse-avoiders. We don’t talk more than is necessary to coordinate our schedules. If we try to make decisions together or resolve a long-standing dispute, we very quickly move to anger. To shy away from saying anything angry sounds like it will be easy: just stay clear of each other. But I don’t think that’s going to help. Or, I could just back down in my convictions: but that’s part of the reason that we are where we are. What a tangled and confusing mess this is!

Well, here we go. On March 15, I headed out to QuietWaters in Denver, CO for a one-week intensive in counseling. While the counseling itself was not as intense as I had expected, the conversations with friends and family during that week were far more intense than expected. I think that’s a good thing. On the one hand, I received good insight into myself and my relational challenges in counseling; on the other hand, I got the opportunity to reach out to people who are close to me to share with them my life.

Now, here it is May 5, and I’m going to start on The Love Dare. I knew already in CO that I needed to do something like this that would give me concrete ways to show love to my wife. But I put off starting for five weeks. What’s up with that? At any rate, I begin today. Along with the Day 1 devotional this morning, I also read last night the first of 36 chapters in “Stop the Anger Now”, a workbook by Ron Potter-Efron. Last night, the message was, “Getting angry is a choice.” I’ve avoided showing anger in many ways, but have ended up showing that anger in passive-aggressive ways. I need to learn to let my anger help me to know when to speak and to motivate me to do so; but, as Love Dare says, I also need to know what is worth getting angry about and deciding to not get angry if it’s something that shouldn’t be having a strong effect on me or is something that she can’t change anyway.

Summary? I think that patience for me has been passiveness in the past. I resolve to not speak in angry tones today, but if there is something that needs to be said, to say it in a non-confrontational and loving way.