Is It Really Over?

Day Four started out with good intentions.  Though I actually completed this dare several times during the past few days by texting, emailing, calling to just say Hi and how are you doing today, I did not complete the dare on the day the dare was supposed to have been completed.  IF that makes any sense whatsoever. 

Today was a difficult day.  Sometime around noon, I received an email from my husband’s lawyer which included a copy of the child support agreement and settlement agreement for our impending divorce.  Though I knew it would be coming soon, I was really hoping my husband, by some miracle of heaven, would have changed his mind and told the lawyer to forget the divorce.  Imagine how my spirit weakened upon receiving this email.  Needless to say, I was not able to even speak to my husband for the rest of day, much less tell him I was just thinking about him and wanted to say hi. 

When I got home yesterday evening from work, I did manage to speak to my husband rather briefly to ask about something trivial and meaningless.  I was hoping he would bring up the paperwork which I had received.  He did not.  So I did.  We discussed some of the things included rather briefly and then it went down hill from there.  I let him know just how sad I was about his pursuing this divorce.  Strangely enough, during the midst of this conversation, I considered his feelings and tried to be patient and loving despite my disappointment.  I’m not so sure that was noticed.  However, I walked away and went to be alone in our bedroom.  Shortly thereafter, I took the paperwork back to where he was in our living room, ripped it into pieces and told him that is what I thought about his divorce papers.  It disgusts me and makes me sick to my stomach.  I don’t even want to think about it.  I left shortly after and once again was alone.  Only this time, sobbing loudly and crying to God.  My husband never tried to comfort me.  I guess he knows that he cannot do that and still proceed with the divorce.  So I opened my heart and arms to God, and allowed Him to be my comfort. 

Needless to say, when I came upon Day Five which suggests that I ask my husband to name three things about me that irritate him, I simply shut the book.  I do want to continue this dare but I wonder if it is even practical or possible with a divorce right around the corner.  I know that with God all things are possible, but I am so tired of the emotional toil this is taking on me.   I guess I just need some rest.  It has been a very long week.  My husband is out of town again this weekend hunting so I’ll regroup while he is gone and continue with Day Five on Monday.

Dear God, you know how hurt and disappointed I am. How much this divorce is weighing on me. Yet you tell me to put my hope and trust in you. I am trying to do that but it is so hard sometimes. I love you Lord and I want more than anything to be in your will. Show me your ways, O lord, that I may walk with you. This is my prayer that you will fill my heart to overflowing with compassion and kindness and love for my husband, even through the darkness of divorce. Lord, change his heart and help him to seek you above all else. Help him to realize that the only answer is trusting in the God of our salvation. I love you Lord and I need you to be my strength and my comfort. Amen

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, Where is your God?” Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

My Hope is in YOU God.