Is It Really Over?

I am at a stand still right now in my love dare action steps only because my husband will be out of town for a week or so. But I continue to work on myself. One verse that has meant alot to me was Romans 4:18. One of our pastors shared this verse in church one day and I have really held onto it during the duration of this divorce process. It says “Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations..” Wow. Abraham did not waiver in his faith that God was who He was and could do the very thing that He promised He could do. Abraham questioned how God could do that but once God told him that it would happen he never doubted that God could do it. He believed beyond all hope. I did that for my marriage. I believed when the world said do not believe. I had hope when the world said all hope was lost. And God, my marvelous, awesome, wonderful God, was faithful! Thank you God for your faithfulness to all generations of those who love you and are called by your name!

God, your faithfulness goes beyond our perception of faithful. We cannot begin to know how much you love us and how much you long to be the king of our lives. Your desire for us is a consuming fire! Please open our hearts that we may trust that you are who you say you are, and that you can do the very thing that you have promised you will do. Help us to believe against all hope! Amen.

I’ve often wondered how God could be a jealous God. Jealousy didn’t seem to fit into the character of God. When I was reading the dare for Day 8, I got a better understanding of what it meant for God to be jealous. Reading from day 8 “Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his heart away and replaces you with someone else.” God is not “envious of us” but “He deeply longs for us, desiring for us to keep Him as our first love.” This makes more sense to me. God created us to worship Him. To fellowship with Him. His desire is for us. When we turn our back on Him we are denying the very reason for our existence. And for that, God becomes jealous of whatever we spend our time and energy focusing on.

I haven’t ever really thought about being jealous of my husband. I really don’t think I ever have been. It’s not something that I really struggle with in my life. However, I can concentrate more on acknowledging his successes and encouraging him toward future success. The greatest success that I can see at this point in our lives is the fact that he has been at the same job for over 25 years. For that I am grateful to him.

There is a beautiful worship song about how much God loves us. If you get some time to be alone, spend it worshipping God and listening to this song.

Kim Walker/Jesus Culture “How He Loves Us”

Great and Glorious God, I love you. Your magnificence is beyond comparison. Your glory defies description. Your love for me knows no bounds and cannot be measured. I am in awe of the grace which you have given to me and cannot begin to adequately express my love for you. I thank you for what you have done in my life and I pray that you will continue to mold me into your image. Thank you for being jealous of me and and desiring me to be your own. Where would I be without Your love. I fall on my face before you and I know that I have been in your presence. I will never be the same. Amen.

I did this dare a few days ago. I did find myself lingering more on the good list trying to come up with something to write there. And the bad list was much easier to write. But the more I thought about it the more I realized the good things about my husband that I had overlooked. God brought these to mind and I am going to begin to focus on those in my life.

I am continuing this dare from a little different perspective now. I want to share with you that God’s love has saved my marriage. My husband had a change of heart at the final moment and we are going to work on saving our marriage and committing it to God. What an awesome God we serve. But you need to know that it wasn’t until I changed my heart and was willing to give up everything that God was able to move in my life. I see that was the problem all along. I held onto things even though I was praising God, I was walking in the darkness with bitterness in my heart. I have let go of the past and it no longer has a hold on me. I am a new creation in Christ. I look forward to the rest of my life to see what God has in store for me.

Marvelous Holy God, I stand in awe of all you do. I have given you everything and in turn you have given me the desires of my heart. Thank you for this miracle. I will not hold it lightly but treat it with the honor it deserves. Bless our marriage so that it may bring glory to you always! Amen

Wow, I’ve got to catch up here. Life goes by so quickly, it is sometimes hard to find time, alone, to blog. This dare really speaks to me. I am usually always running late or not allowing myself enough time to get the things done that I want to do. This in turn causes a lot of tension and frustration. And that causes heated words to be spoken. I like the sentence in this dare that says “but when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself.” I consider that love to be Christ. For it is only through Him that I can truly love my spouse.

Lately, I have been spending much more time in prayer and scripture. This has made all the difference to me I believe. God is beginning to show me so many blessings that He has just been holding for me until I fully surrender to Him. I believe that my life will never be the same again. How can I go back into the prison of darkness that surrounded me once I’ve felt the warmth of the light?

The dare asks me to list places where I need to add margin. Wow, ummm, EVERYWHERE! Seriously. There isn’t a place in my life where I don’t feel hurried or rushed. Even now I sit here hoping to finish this blog quickly so I can finish getting ready for work and leave within 30 minutes. But my eyes are open to the fact that time can be our enemy or our friend. I am going to start making time my friend.

As far as the motivations for what I do, I can honestly say that currently I have no selfish motivations. My complete desire is to do the will of God in my life. He changed that part of me when this journey first began.

God, you have given me the hours in a day, the days in a week, the weeks in a month, and the months in a year. Help me to use this time most wisely so that I can spend more of it serving you. I am your servant Lord. Continue to change my heart so that there is no selfishness, no frustration, no confusion, but only Love. Your love. Through you, help me to love my husband again. Amen.

This weekend was good. It was refreshing and I spent time with God both at church and at home. I finally completed Dare 5 last night. I knew it would be difficult in light of the divorce that is upon me. And it was difficult. Though I still felt God’s peace guiding me through it.

I finally sat down to talk to my husband. I began by telling him that I do not want this divorce (Again). I explained that when the time comes for me to sign any papers, I just do not know that I can do that. To me, that would be like saying I agree that divorce is our only option. I can’t do that. Then I asked him, if he could name three things that he would change about me. He was very vague. He brought up specific events from the past. I told him that I had apologized for my behavior in the past and I cannot go back and undo it. He says he forgives me. I don’t see that. But I digress! Again I asked him for three specific things that he did not like about me and would want me to work on changing. He still was not very specific but did manage to say anger, depression, and lack of intimacy. It’s funny to me. Those three things are things I have been and done in the past. Whether they were choices I made or not doesn’t matter. They were things that irritate him about me. The funny thing is — I am not that person anymore. And he hasn’t given me a chance to show him that. God has changed those things in me. But he doesn’t see it. I can only continue to try and be the right person in God’s eyes and pray that my husband realizes how deep my repentance is before its too late.

“I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

You have put off the old man with his deeds, and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him” (Colossians 3:9-10).

Holy Father, help me to continue to allow you to change who I am, from the inside out. I want so much more of you in my life that’s its almost impossible to express. I know that you are guiding me and I know with no conditions that you have changed who I am from the very core of my soul. I praise you for what you are doing in my life. As you have said in your word, I am calling to you and expecting you to answer me and show me great and unsearchable things I do not know. Here I am, Lord. Ready and willing. Show me who you are! Amen

Day Four started out with good intentions.  Though I actually completed this dare several times during the past few days by texting, emailing, calling to just say Hi and how are you doing today, I did not complete the dare on the day the dare was supposed to have been completed.  IF that makes any sense whatsoever. 

Today was a difficult day.  Sometime around noon, I received an email from my husband’s lawyer which included a copy of the child support agreement and settlement agreement for our impending divorce.  Though I knew it would be coming soon, I was really hoping my husband, by some miracle of heaven, would have changed his mind and told the lawyer to forget the divorce.  Imagine how my spirit weakened upon receiving this email.  Needless to say, I was not able to even speak to my husband for the rest of day, much less tell him I was just thinking about him and wanted to say hi. 

When I got home yesterday evening from work, I did manage to speak to my husband rather briefly to ask about something trivial and meaningless.  I was hoping he would bring up the paperwork which I had received.  He did not.  So I did.  We discussed some of the things included rather briefly and then it went down hill from there.  I let him know just how sad I was about his pursuing this divorce.  Strangely enough, during the midst of this conversation, I considered his feelings and tried to be patient and loving despite my disappointment.  I’m not so sure that was noticed.  However, I walked away and went to be alone in our bedroom.  Shortly thereafter, I took the paperwork back to where he was in our living room, ripped it into pieces and told him that is what I thought about his divorce papers.  It disgusts me and makes me sick to my stomach.  I don’t even want to think about it.  I left shortly after and once again was alone.  Only this time, sobbing loudly and crying to God.  My husband never tried to comfort me.  I guess he knows that he cannot do that and still proceed with the divorce.  So I opened my heart and arms to God, and allowed Him to be my comfort. 

Needless to say, when I came upon Day Five which suggests that I ask my husband to name three things about me that irritate him, I simply shut the book.  I do want to continue this dare but I wonder if it is even practical or possible with a divorce right around the corner.  I know that with God all things are possible, but I am so tired of the emotional toil this is taking on me.   I guess I just need some rest.  It has been a very long week.  My husband is out of town again this weekend hunting so I’ll regroup while he is gone and continue with Day Five on Monday.

Dear God, you know how hurt and disappointed I am. How much this divorce is weighing on me. Yet you tell me to put my hope and trust in you. I am trying to do that but it is so hard sometimes. I love you Lord and I want more than anything to be in your will. Show me your ways, O lord, that I may walk with you. This is my prayer that you will fill my heart to overflowing with compassion and kindness and love for my husband, even through the darkness of divorce. Lord, change his heart and help him to seek you above all else. Help him to realize that the only answer is trusting in the God of our salvation. I love you Lord and I need you to be my strength and my comfort. Amen

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God? My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, Where is your God?” Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

My Hope is in YOU God.