Day 13 - Establish healthy rules for fighting.
It’s been a while since I had been able to do any of the dares, as I have been ill and in the bed most of all last week. During the time that I was sick he has mostly taken care of me, getting food of the evenings for dinner so I don’t have to cook, etc. We did have a bit of an argument on Saturday though. He had taken the day off so we could spend a weekend together in Gatlinburg. Well since I got sick we cancelled our trip but he decided to take the day off anyway. He slept late that morning and when he got up I noticed he was a little bit ill - when I asked him he kind of glared away from me and said nothing was wrong. Then he proceeded to say he should have gone on to work, half the day was already gone, we should have gotten up earlier and went to do something, then he threw in, but I CAN’T AFFORD IT! Well I told him I had some money (I have just gotten an inheritance) and he blew up said I had no intention of giving away any of that money and was going to dole it out as I saw fit. Boy that smarted! I told him I was holding on to it, as we hadn’t been anywhere (the bank, etc.,) to do anything with it. So I’m figuring that he thinks I should be giving him a lump of that inheritance - we had decided to put most of it in our IRA - but I can see now it is a concerning to him that I have money when he doesn’t (how childish, right?). Anyway, he stayed mad for a little while but then got over it because he wanted to go out and do something together - which I had to get some money out for us to go on - this seemed to make him happy.
Rules for me:
1. Voice no negatives.
2. Do not antagonize.
3. Listen.
4. Wait until it is all over to explain or question, hopefully when he is over his mad spell.
5. Don’t harp on it later down the road.
God I pray you will help me to remember these rules and put them into practice if I have to. I also pray that I will never have to use them.
October 20th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I am glad to see you back. I wanted to see how you were doing. I am sorry you have been sick. I am praying for you…and myself because I have had a rough day. I am going to repeat my love dare for today tomorrow and start with a clean heart.
Prayer’s up,
Robin
October 21st, 2009 at 8:02 am
Debi,
Thanks for sharing. I am working on the same issues. The reality is, there will be moments of disagreement; the important thing is how we react.
Your list of rules for yourself is good, similar to what I try to do. The main thing my marriage counselor keeps telling me is use empathy. Listen to what they say and try to understand how they feel. No matter how much you disagree, respect what they said and especially how they are feeling about it. Remember, their perception is their reality. Antagonizing and criticizing what they say will only hurt them.
The hardest part – don’t try to convince them to come over to your way of thinking. (The counselor and I just discussed this last night. I am still not sure it is possible to do this.) It is OK to share your opinion / perspective / understanding of the facts. That is good communication, as long as you keep respect for them and their views. But trying to convince them that you are right and they are wrong… well, I can say that it doesn’t work for me. So I am going to try to do this.
I think you realize I am writing what I need to be doing. Writing it out helps keep me focused on doing it. If I was doing a great job of it myself, it wouldn’t be such a big problem.
God, I pray with Debi that she will remember to show love and respect for her husband, especially during times of disagreement. Help the love she has for him to shine out. Help him to feel the love she has for him. Help him to feel the perfect love that You have for him. Amen
October 27th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Just wanted to check on you! Hope you are ok!
Robin’s Hope