Lindsie & Michael

I appreciate everyones comments and advice.  I do pray.  Everyday.  We had a counseling session last night that seemed to go well but it seems as if it doesn’t sink in to my husband the way it sinks into me.  I am going to talk to our pastor today about all of this.  I have gotten to the point I need some alone counseling to say exactly what I think and how I feel about our marriage.  When we are there together I get alot of stuff out but not everything.  The truth is, I am scared of my husband actually cheating and me having proof.  I feel like it would kill me if I found out.  I can’t handle it.  I just want him to be a man and be faithful and happy with his life.  He chose it.  It’s not like returning a dress or shoes that don’t fit.  It’s a vow and a bond that was made before God.  It’s a promise.  Why do so many people take that promise lightly?  When I said my vows, I meant them.  I really wish he would have too.  Our session was on communication last night.  Something that we seem to have a huge problem with.  He doesn’t talk about anything that has to do with us or his concerns about our marriage.  When I try to discuss things with him I feel as if I’m either getting nowhere or he gets aggrevated and doesn’t want to hear it.  In order to get me back in his life he acts oneway.  After he has settled back into everything, he goes back to being him.  Slowly but surely he returns to this person that I don’t like.

Last time we split up it was because I started feeling like he was seeing someone else or talking to someone else.  I started to think that because he had always called me a few times during the day and when he was on his way home.  All of a sudden it had just stopped.  I complained and questioned and he got mad.  It seems like it’s happening again.  He started out calling me a few times a day.  Sometimes more.  Now I wait for him to call and I’m just holding my breath.  Like today.  He usually calls me at 12:00 for lunch.  He has never really been late on calling.  He hasn’t called yet.  I hate feelings like this.  They ruin my day and my trust.  It seems no matter how hard I try or what I do, I can’t overcome it.  It makes me miserable.  I just tried calling him and of course I didn’t get an answer.  What do I do?  Is it normal for people to just change a routine?

This weekend went okay.  It wasn’t exactly what I had planned for but it went well.  We had a couple of spats that were stupid.  I just can’t get him to understand where I am coming from.  Everytime I try to make a good point, he has something to say that over rules it.  Then I’m just lost.  Does anyone ever have that happen?  I just want to know that I’m the most important thing to him.  I try my best to make him feel that way.  If there is an area that I need work, I would rather him tell me than let it build up.  I want nothing more than for him to be his happiest and proud that I am his wife.

This evening we leave for the weekend.  We rented a cabin for the weekend to have fun as a family.  I’m hoping it will take my mind off of alot of things and help me feel better about everything.  I just want to feel normal.  Thank you for the advice on my entry prior to this one today.  It seemed to help quite a bit.  I would really like to have a great weekend so pray for us and wish me luck!

Lately I have been having untrusting thoughts.  I really don’t know what is causing them.  I have a myspace acct.  The other woman from the past has one also.  I tend to look at hers from time to time and she just puts quotes and stuff on there that I feel pertain to me and my husband but I’m not quite sure.  She still has pics of them together on there.  I just feel sometimes he may still be speaking to her.  Our pastor told us the other night that when you have found God in your life things seem to get chaotic.  He said it’s the devil trying to interfere.  I’m just wondering if that may be it or if I just have that instinct and it’s right.  I’m at the point of giving it all up.  My marriage and all.  I just hate feeling like this and having those thoughts and I don’t know how to get rid of them.  I have prayed about it and begged for them to go away so that I can have a normal marriage with my husband.  I know he works everyday and it would be hard for him to find time to mess around but I always think, what if?  Him and his boss are very close so I would never know.  I know you aren’t supposed to hate people but I really do hate her.  She has made my life miserable and she gets pleasure out of it.  Not to mention she is 12 years older than my husband and I.  Why does someone find it so easy to step in the middle of a marriage?  Why do men find it so easy to throw their marriage away along with their family?  I will never understand.  So, I’m asking for some advice on this and how to overcome it.  I can’t talk to him about it cause he gets upset and starts blaming me for not trusting him.  Please help.

Tonight will be our 4th session with the pastor.  I have had a really bad past couple of days.  It seems like no matter how much I pray about certain things or try to get them out of my head, I can’t.  What does that mean and does anyone have any advice?  I’m still doing my dares and he doesn’t even know it.  He hasn’t done any for a while now.  We should be half way through but we aren’t.  I’m only on 14 now.  Yesterday evening I cried and nobody even knew.  I was cooking and he went outside to do something and I just let it flow.  I have so much going on in my life right now with a couple of different things that are pretty major.  It just seems like I’m going through it alone.  I guess I thought with him being my husband I should get some kind of extra attention or support from him.  We don’t even talk about any of it.  My life will be complete chaos soon and I’m starting to feel like I will have to face it all by myself. 

On the brighter side, we are going on a vacation this weekend to a cabin.  Hopefully we will have some fun as a family and spend plenty of quality time with eachother and the kids…

I haven’t quite given up.  I prayed in church yesterday for God to help him and us.  I just don’t know what to do.  We aren’t doing bad but we aren’t getting to where we should be either and it’s because he has to grow up and be a man about all of this and take it seriously.  The pastor even told him in counseling the things he should be doing as a husband but it went in one ear and out the other.  Is it because he doesn’t want to or doesn’t know how to?  I know he has it in him because I’ve seen it before.  Where did it go and how do I get it back?  He goes to church and to counseling and he is alot nicer but it’s not good enough for me.  I can’t get the person that he messed with out of my head and I try really hard but it doesn’t work.  I wasn’t innocent either but he knows I put an end to my wrong doing.  We don’t ever even talk about his.  What do I do????

Well, we are still doing well but we got sidetracked on the dares.  We are now starting them back and will do our best to keep up this time.  We went to counseling Wednesday night and it went well.  Then as soon as our session was over we got the kids and went to Jackson for the night and following day.  We stayed the night at my aunts out in the country and the next day we went to visit some of my family and to the zoo.  We had a good time with the exception of one argument.  We plan to do more family outings.  It seems to bring us all closer together.

So far it is going well.  We are on Day 7.  The only fight we have had was this past Saturday night.  Other than that we have been getting along and being more loving than ever.  We have our second counseling session tonight.  I am trying to make some plans for us to go on a cruise for our anniversary.  I try not to think negative but the thought keeps crossing my mind on whether or not we will make it till then and if making plans in advance is a smart thing to do.  I figure I can go ahead and make the plans and if we are not together then I can take a girlfriend.  I just hope that he will be the one going with me and when that time comes we will have a strong marriage and have nothing to worry about.  I just need to pray about it and have positive thoughts.  Today we are supposed to write the positive and negative about our spouse.  I know my negative will be more than my positive but I guess with all we have been through that’s what I can expect right now.  I have faith that soon my positive will be more than my negative.  He gets better everyday.  I’m just waiting to feel the love from him that I expect to feel.  I pray I will feel it soon.  I have the trust in him that I have always needed to have and I don’t worry much anymore about if he is doing this, or doing that.  I’ve learned to believe him and know he is being faithful.  Love is the only thing I need.  I want to feel like he adores me and that our family is the most important thing.  I want him to feel for me what I feel for him.  I think that is what everyone who is married wants.

We went to my mothers house for the weekend in North Mississippi.  While there we went to see Fireproof and have a date night.  We are different from some couples.  We went to a movie and then the dirt track races.  We love doing things like that.  On day 3 we had to buy eachother something.  I bought him some clothes that he had been needing for a while.  I took some clothes back that needed to be returned that I had bought myself and instead of exchanging them for myself some different clothes I got him some instead.

Today, day 4 was not possible for us to call eachother because we were together.  Other than that we had a great weekend and it was relaxing.