Day 13: Love fights fair
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.
—Mark 3:25
TODAY’S DARE
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.
October 19th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I tried to talk with my husband about establishing rules for when we get in a fight. He wasnt ready to do that with me so I did what the book said and made myself some guide lines to follow. maybe if i’m an examle for my husband he will follow and do the same.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
The suggested guidelines for fighting in this book are excellent. Christine and I have outlined most of these at another time in our marriage, but it’s always a good refresher. Because Christine and I haven’t gotten into a heated, unproductive fight in years, I thought it may be best for me to just write the rules for myself instead of make much of an issue about this. I don’t want it to be too obvious to her that I’m going through the Love Dare book, because I’d rather she just think I’m being thoughtful each day instead of following the advice of a book. But the guidelines I have for myself are some I’ve used for years since reading Stephen R. Covey’s wonderful book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Here they are:
1. I will seek first to understand, then to be understood (I wish she would follow this rule as well, but as long as one of us is doing it, our conflicts always get resolved)
2. I will never raise my voice in anger or frustration (this is basically a non-issue at this point. I don’t know that I’ve ever raised my voice in our 7-year marriage)
3. I will look for and own up to my own faults in any given situation (this is the first time I have actually written this out, but it’s been a great thing to strive for in our conflicts)
October 29th, 2008 at 10:06 am
I can’t discuss this with my angry husband. I don’t know if I could when he wasn’t angry. Usually discussions like this end in him getting angry and not fighting fair. I have always tried to avoid the nastiness of unfairness during a fight, choosing to walk away rather than to go to his level of verbal garbage and blaming and bringing up other issues to add to his point.
Does anyone else’s spouse get angrier the farther they go in this dare?
November 3rd, 2008 at 6:08 pm
We had this dare yesterday. We agreed to follow the “we” rules in the book. He has several “me” rules that should help in our working out our discussions and my “me” rules are almost non-existant other than the “no accusational phrases”.
I had to bring up a subject this morning that he didn’t like. He stuck to the rules, even tho he was really mad about the discussion. Things may be changing….
November 4th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
Day 13 - I spent a solid amount of time writing out rules that I could share with my wife and that we could abide by.
1. Arguments to the best of our ability face to face.
2. No unresolved issues over the phone.
3. Issues discussed when we are able to be together.
4. Never go to sleep upset with each other or with unresolved issues.
5. Always a kiss and a “I love you” at the end of any argument.
6. All issues brought to God in prayer.
7. Leave all baggage from past issues behind.
8. No one upping…Always allow each of us to celebrate personal success.
9. No revenge
10. Never argue in public, or ever intend to humiliate or embarrass the other person.
11. Always finish conversations by discussing what we love about each other. Always finish positive!!
I’m looking forward to sharing this list with my wife and putting in a special place so if we need to we can look to it.
November 11th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
This may be the first real challenge for me. I get defensive easily and hurt feelings. so i tend to lash out quickly and not thinking. I made a list the other night for me to look at and work on each day, but tonite I am going to sit down with my husband and see what he comes up on this subject so we can work on things together. He has alot of patience with me even when I really don’t deserve it. I am learning things all the time during these dares.
November 21st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
In response to motleygirl, that is exactly what is happening in my home and I am at such a loss on how to fix it. I was able to visit with my pastor yesterday who agreed that I can’t fix it and I am going to have to be willing to completely hand my husband over to God and release all control of the situation. My husband is still continuely threating to leave and last night told me that he hates me more and more every day. It hurt very bad and I am actually on my 3rd day of trying to complete day 14 becuase he is not responsive to any of it. I am 100% committed to making my marriage work and my pastor and I are really working together and staying in prayer for our marriage. If my husband chooses to leave I am committed to being there with open arms and welcoming him back. I have surrendered it to God and I trust that he will come around, but I can’t change his behavior or his anger, he will have to be willing to let God heal him of that. I can promise to love honor and cherish him and this Dare is giving me the biblical tools to do that. Keep following the book and trusting in God!.
December 25th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I to can relate to Motleygirl. It seems like the further I go in the book the harder this relationship slides in reverse. I dropped off gifts for her and her two kids and wished her a MERRY CHRISTMAS. I called her this morning and when she answered she said I seen her yesterday so why was I calling today. I told her that I just wanted to wish her a Merry Christmas on Christmas day. She said fine…Merry Christmas, and hung up the phone. I later texted her and never recieved a response. That really hurt me a lot. I was ready to give up totally, but her mom says to hang in there and the cream will rise to the top. I hope she is right. I pray often for her heart to soften and for her to see it God’s way. PRAYER POWER=GOD POWER!!!!!!!!!
December 29th, 2008 at 11:57 pm
This was the one thing that actually improved with counseling over the last year. We never listened to each other and interrupted with our own opinions, raised our voices, brought up past issues (that was me usually). I would sometimes get so angry that I would throw a temper tantrum and he would try to stop the fight, and I would just get angrier. It was like I was outside my body looking down on myself wondering what on earth was I doing? But could not stop myself.
Looking back, I believe that my frustration came from feeling like I wasn’t being heard. One of T’s complaints about me a few days ago was that I was always trying to sway him to my way of thinking. After really examining myself during counseling, it wasn’t that I wanted him to think the way I did (although I usually believed that I was right), I really just wanted to feel like he heard and understood what I was saying even if he ultimately didn’t agree with me.
Through counseling we learned the art of effective listening and tried very hard to practice it whenever we needed to talk about something that was not agreeable to us. I think we were doing pretty good at it for the most part. However the fact that he mentioned it, makes me wonder if he didn’t think so. It could be that it was what came to mind as an issue, but not necessarily a current one.
Unfortunately, the efforts and progress we made on communicating weren’t enough to keep him from giving up on us.
If ever given the chance to work on our marriage and he were to come home, one rule that I REALLY want to work on is never go to bed or leave the house angry. We did this all too often and while it seemed to be ok because the following morning usually started out like nothing ever happend, it meant nothing was truly resolved.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Rules to fight… I say don’t fight! I have learned over the past few months that getting angry solves nothing, nor does yelling all the time. I am not perfect or where I want to be, but I am in a better place. I try to listen more and ignore certain things that use to set me off. There are some things that still do. My husband said he has noticed a calmer me which makes me feel a sense of accomplishment inside. I take it day by day and pray alot and watch the Joyce Meyer show!! lol (hope that is ok to type)
January 13th, 2009 at 11:25 pm
I came up with 14 things that I definetly need to stop doing. They were fairly easy to come up with. Putting them into practice is another thing. They included not raising my voice, time out before losing my temper, not bringin up the past, once a fight is resolved I will let it go. I am doing my best to not be easily offended. I hope I will remember them in the “heat of battle”….ha ha. I have been doing pretty good at no starting fights. When I think I am getting offended I write out what I would like to say…wait an hour or more and then decide if it is worth it. Usually it is not.
January 26th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
My rules are no name calling, and to end the conversation if it gets too heated. Instead of just giving the cold shoulder, I’m going to tell him I refuse to call names and that I don’t want to fight with him.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.
Well Wife and I don’t argue and she is not aware of me doing these “dares” so Will use the examples that were given in the book and abide by those.
It is a little dis hearting looking ahead at the journal here and seeing how participation drops off. I am going to complete this journey no matter what. I am looking at this as my last chance…
March 16th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Manny, It is really sad that participation falls off. It is difficult to do the dares day by day due to my work schedule, but when I am able, I go on to the next dare. There is so much reward. My Wife really deserves to be Loved like God wants us to.
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Wow! Well I am establishing rules for myself, my mate is 4 hours away right now, we will discuss this when he gets home tommarrow, !. No Fighting in front of the kids
2. No put downs 3. No bringing up the past!!! That is water under a bridge that is no longer there!!! 4. No metioning the D word. % I will pray first. pray for strength and wisdo, of when to quite and what to say.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
[...] Day 13: Love fights fair [...]
July 24th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
For mizzbutterfly, I really hope that you continue on the dare. I read your posts and find that our lives parallel in so many ways. If I didn’t know any better I would think we were married to the same man.
Ephesians 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
It sounds like you are the one who is more spiritually grounded in your marriage. Know that your faith and commitment to God and your marriage give God glory. At the same time know that your husband is giving into temptation because he isn’t spiritually grounded. Believe me I am in the exact place that you are in my marriage, midnight phone calls and texts, she has called me & texts me too, unaccounted for time when he’s “working”, I could go on but I don’t have to tell you, you already know. Pray for your husband, I mean really pray for him, cry to God and tell him how you feel, where you are struggling, and what you need from him. If you don’t know then know that God does and tell him to give it to you. The Lord gently reminded me that He doesn’t need my help and that I need to stop trying to “fix” my husband, that is God’s job. I’m not saying it’s easy, believe me this is an incredible struggle for me. I can tell that you truly love your husband and that at one time you both had a great relationship. God honors marriage, even when your husband seems to care less, God will bring you through this. Just let Him. Please be encouraged. You are in my prayers.
Peace and power.
July 24th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Today’s lesson was about fighting fair. It talked about how every relationship will have its share of disagreements but its the way we express ourselves during this disagreements that cause even more damage. It also talked about setting boundaries when engaging in conflicts before hand. Simple things to keep in mind/apply during any fight/altercation. Those listed were….
1. Never mention divorce
2. Never bring up old/unrelated things from the past
3. Never fight in public/in front of the children
4. Call timeout if argument escalates to damaging level
5. Never touch the other in a harmful way
6. Never go to bed angry
7. Try to workout disagreement
8. Listen first, then speak
9. Speak gently/try not to raise voice
10. No personal attacks (name calling)
11. Pick your battles wisely
12. Agree to disagree
13. Try not to talk about disagreements when angry
14. Except the others feelings/opinions ( whether they right or wrong)
Today’s challenge was to talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your spouse is not ready then write your own and resolve to abide by them the next time a disagreement occurs. This challenge was a little difficult for two reasons (1) this is not something that I can just sit down and discuss with my husband and (2) I have simply made the decision within myself not to argue with my husband anymore. By that I mean I am going to pick my arguments. I am making the conscience decision not to say anything out of the way to him when I feel it may come out the wrong way or when I know I am upset and ready to vent. Do not misunderstand me, I do not intend to just bite my tongue and NEVER say anything to my husband when I feel wronged/hurt or if I feel the need to bring something to his “attention” (those late nights and those phone calls), I just will not do it when I am mad/frustrated. Simply because I know those are the times that I really don’t give a **** what I say or how I say it and the words I use are not very nice or loving ( I was in the Navy for 7 1/2 years, I curse ALOT). And really to be honest with you I am just really sick and tired of arguing with my husband about the same ole things. Somethings I have resolved not to even mention anymore because we have argued about it so much for so long already. I have voiced my concern/feelings to the point now that if my husband cannot or will not be willing to understand or acknowledge them than he probably never will. Then again it may have been the way I have addressed these concerns also.
I will however write down my rules for engagement and give a copy to my husband, just so he knows that I have made a commitment to fighting fair. What he does with this information his strictly up to him. I am going to continue to pray that GOD helps me stick to this plan. I have been doing so not being so negative toward my husband the last two weeks that I am sure with GOD’s guidance I can follow my rules of engagement. Besides it’s kinda hard having an argument by yourself, it really makes you look like a fool……..
July 24th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
To overcomer:
Thank you so much for “your” words of encourgement. I know this is difficult for you as well. I will continue on and do the dares for not only my marriage but for me. I am learning so much about myself and learning how to turn my negative energy into more postive energy. The funny thing is sometimes my husband is like night and day. He “is” spritiullay grounded but only when it benefits him. You have no idea how much, how, hard or how long I pray for my husband. It seems lately I pray more for him than myself, because of that I see changes within me. I have seen slight changes in my husband as well. I have noticed that this “friend” is getting less and less of this time, which is why she calls late and texts late. I have even heard him ask her one night what the hell she wanted. I know the problems in my marriage did not occur over night, so it would be naive of me to think they can be repaired over night. I am thanking GOD for what HE has done in my marriage so far. What makes this so hard for me is that my husband is not a bad person. He goes out of his way for everyone he knows, he’s like the funniest man I have ever met, he cares so much about our three daughters (all from a previous marriage).
The biggest problem that I see is between us. I don’t know where we lost site of each other. I have even stated to him that we are living life just not together. The times that things are good with us is amazing. I know I am no where near where I need to be in my faith, but GOD is working on that with me as well. I have already claimed VICTORY in my marriage. I KNOW my husband and I will pull through this and be stronger than ever. Besides what good is a testamony without the test.
I will also pray for you and your marriage. I know that we both will pull through this. I made a commitment to GOD, my husband, my childern, and myself to finish this journey. I will keep posting my progress, so please feel free to read them and express your progress. GOD bless you!
September 17th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
OK, I made my rules to fight fair by. It’s nothing new; it’s things I already knew i should have done,but never did whenever i got into an argument w/ my husband. my husband read my rules when i got into the bedroom so at least he knew that i will fight fair from now on. i do notice little bit changes here and there about him. he’s more affectionate towards me and i believe it’s the changes that come from doing this love dare. I’M FOREVER GRATEFUL TO HAVE BEEN INSPIRED TO WATCH THIS MOVIE SOME MONTHS AGO WHEN MY MARRIAGE WAS INTACT AND TO DO THIS DARE AT THIS TIME. it has changed me dramatically. i want to change and my life feels better. i thank the Lord daily for this change and helping me thru it. i’m more loving now than ever before. i continue to be a pillar of love, patient, kindness, selflessness and thoughtfulness. it’s a long journey and i will do it again when the 40 days are over and forever more.
October 17th, 2009 at 9:23 am
I will make my list but I’m not ready to discuss this with him yet. It came out at counseling Thursday night that I’m doing The Love Dare, so he knows. Don’t think he cares, but he knows, The counselor told him he would benefit more if HE did the dare, but I’m pretty sure he won’t, but “love thinks the best” right? There’s always hope I suppose. The devil sure is persistent. His place of business is now staying open longer hours and 7 days a week. Now does anyone else think it’s ironic that I am trying to get us all in a new church and now he has to work at least every other Sunday and maybe more? This will not stop me praying for us and making sure that my children and I are in church every Sunday. Just a few things on my list:
1. Never go to bed angry. We used to live by this religiously but forgot it over the years.
2. Listen to the other before speaking. Let love and the Lord guide my words not anger.
3. Leave the past in the past. No dredging up old stuff. What does it matter?
4. No revenge. Stop seeing who can get who.
5. Truly learn to listen to what the other has to say whether it hurts your feelings or not.
6. Don’t take everything so personally.
7. Be open-minded.
8. Trust the Lord with our problems. Pray together. PUSH - pray until something happens
9. Finish the argument/discussion. Don’t walk away. That shows indifference.
10. Treat each other as you want to be treated.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:32 am
There were a good list of ‘rules of engagement’ to go by in the book, I found those to be perfect in our relationship, since those are typically all of our problems. I read the list out loud to him, he listened.. and when I asked if he thought he could help to keep these in mind next time when needed, he said I’ll try my hardest. That really helped, and since then I can tell we have had a lot less arguments since we are both keeping this in mind.