Day 12: Love lets the other win
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
—Philippians 2:4
TODAY’S DARE
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.
October 16th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Todays dare I really couldnt do, We never had nothing come up that we disagreed on. So I guess when that happens i’ll have to go back to day 12 and fill in what happen in my love dare book.
October 27th, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I could not, for the life of me, think of any unresolved disagreement between us. I honestly considered creating a false disagreement just to let her win. But nothing came up that gave me a good reason to arbitrarily disagree with her and then give in without looking just plain silly.
October 29th, 2008 at 10:02 am
My husband has anger/temper issues, so instead of trying to \work things out\ or just keep to myself, I gave in and watched TV with him. I can’t see that he appreciated it or that it taught me anything, but I’m wasn’t getting the cold shoulder at the moment.
November 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Ok, I had to put day 12 off until today. I feel strongly about our kids in HS working too many school nights. My Step Daughter has been working ALOT of hours and has been neglecting her chores at home along with taking care of her 2 little dogs. Last year we agreed that she should be limited to 2 school nights a week and that included Sunday Evenings. This afternoon I was discussing this situation with my husband and he said “If she wants to work, let her work as long as it doesn’t interfere with her grades.” AARRGGHH !!! I do NOT like his answer for 2 reasons. 1 - she has a puppy she needs to be responsible for and this puppy is peeing and pooping all over my carpets 2 - hubby works nights and I work evenings, I would feel more comfortable with her being home with the our 2 younger children more often.
I remembered this day’s dare and stopped myself short and said “OK, I will give in to you on this disagreement” Blech.. I so disagree with him, but I have to give in somewhere. *sigh*
November 4th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Day 12 - Today I looked back on the 3 issues that have made my uncomfortable and irritated with me. I chose today to focus on the frustration my wife had with my work clothes not hung up and put away. In the past I was thinking only of myself and I thought it was not a big deal to have my suit coat on the chair and clothes in a corner. But I have realized that our home to my wife is a safe and relaxing place, especially after a long day at work. I need to respect our home more and work on keeping our home a enjoyable place for my wife. I apologized and said that I would not argue with her about it anymore and that I would do my best to be more organized and respectful. She was very appreciative.
November 8th, 2008 at 11:25 am
I just read the logs and swe08 got me thinking. I too have some things that irritate my spouse alot when he comes home that I could work on today. Thank you for the reminder and message! I wish you all the best on the dares!
December 29th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
I don’t know how to do this today. We have one ongoing disagreement and it is what has brough our marriage to this point. T is a friendly, flirty guy. He has always been this way and is probably part what drew him to me in the beginning. But he has acquired female friendships outside our marriage. He says they are just friends and to an extent, I believe him. I don’t believe he would ever be unfatihful. So then what is the problem? Why do I have such a hard time with it? Why can’t I accept his female friends? I tried to accept it during counseling. I really did, but the second one would call or text him, my stomach would turn, my palms get sweaty, and I would immediately get angry. I just couldn’t accept it. Perhaps because as a way to keep me from getting upset, he chose to hide the extent of his conversations with these girls? Perhaps because I wasn’t getting the love and attention I needed from him in order to truly be ok with it? So how, today, can I possibly give in on this when I truly don’t believe that these outside friendships are appropriate in a marriage, regardless of whether I trust him or not?
And if I could, how can I do so without him seeing it as another last ditch effort to have him come home when we both know that this is something we will NEVER agree on? My purpose in this Dare is to show him the unconditional love that he craves so that he doesn’t NEED these friendships or that if he were to also take The Dare, that he would be able to show me his unconditional love and fulfill my need for his attention and affection that I am not so insecure and don’t care as much. Without those, I honestly don’t know how I can do this.
Unless I can think of something else to let him win on. And since we aren’t really talking abotu anything other than details or the occasional “hello” text, it will be hard to give in on anything.
January 9th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Yesterday’s dare along with today’s have been still. THere was nothing I could do for him the other day or today when I asked. Things are much calmer these days so I dont feel I have to try as hard to please. We do things together and talk differently to each other and I just feel like things will get better and better. I let God take the reigns on things that troubled me and I wasnt sure if I would feel or see a difference, but I do. It is an amazing feeling to know I don’t have to push so hard to exist, to be noticed, or appreciated. I just had to let go of fear, control, and forgive. God did the rest.
on to day 13.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:48 am
I really couldn’t come up with anything we disagree about. The one thing I did thought of was that woman texting him, but we have both asked her to stop. She text me she would but then sent him a forward. I think he is naive to think she isn’t up to something. He swears there is nothing going on and that I am making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t think that’s a good one to deal with right now.
When we talked on the phone last night he was kinda cold. I stupidly asked if he had thought about when he would start his dare (still working on that patience thing). He went off about it. Said I should let him know the agenda I had planned for him so he could do things at my pace and not his. I calmly told him that I didn’t mean it that way and was wrong to have brought it up. I began to cry even though I tried not to. Usually he will just hang up then, but he told me to pull myself together and call him back. I did and before we hung up for the night I told him I really didn’t have an agenda and that I had been in the wrong and was sorry for adding to his stress. He calmly said he was just really tired and stress out. We both ended the night by saying I love you… I am not putting stock into the I love you from him to mean that he is wanting this marriage…patience….patience….patience….
January 26th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
i’ve decided to put his wishes first and leave him alone for the time being.
March 4th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first.
Last night Wife and I were talking and she said that our son never misses any school from being sick and the othere kids are always sick. SHe was thinking about letting him play hookie on monday So when she first said this my mind goes..” I really do not care what the other kids do. I am glad he has made it everyday. That is no reason to take a day off” As much as I wanted to say I think he should go to school … I gave in
I said if all his homework is done that sounds alright to me……
March 8th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Today’s dare has been difficult for me, because all that we disagree on has brought us to this point. His affair, the fact that she still works for him in a small office, the fact that they still talk/text supposedly only about work… I am trying to believe him, but he refuses to see my side of it. How can I “give in” on something that might put the last nail in our marriage coffin? I am to a point where all I can do… is trust God & pray that I will become the wife my husband wants to be with. So I suppose that for this dare, I can leave my hubby alone about all that has happened; not bring it up, not talk about it… if I feel the need to talk then I will pray to God and talk to Him about us. After all, who else knows all that has happened but God? Pray that I will follow through on this…
March 27th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
has anyone attended the Retrouvaille program? Has it done anything for you? I’m attending this weekend at the request of my wife. Does that qualify for day 12? giving in and letting her win? I agreed to attend long ago, and so many things I did in the last 11 days were things I’ve done on a regular basis in our 12 years of marriage.
Please pray that my heart changes and comes back to this marriage. I’m doing this to make sure I’ve left nothing on the table.
June 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 am
[...] Day 12: Love lets the other win [...]
July 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Today talked about the disagreements married couples have and those disagreements are always the same disagreements because neither one is willing to give in or compromise on a solution. It also stated there are somethings that one should never compromise on such as morals, their religious beliefs and their priorities. Being stubborn and not willing to give in has and always will cause many issues to go unresolved with neither party coming out the winner.
Today’s challenge was to demonstrate love for our spouse by “willingly” choosing to give in to an area where you and your spouse disagree and tell them you are putting their preference first. Well my husband and I should have had this challenge yesterday because I finally said “**** it about him being out all night”.
Friday night my husband is leaving to go out (as he does every weekend) saying, “I’ll be back in a few hours Pookie, I’m about to go shoot pool.” I’m cool with him going out don’t get me wrong, everyone needs their space and time to themselves. I have also learned not to hold my breath when he says he will only be a couple hours because I know better, I do however expect him to “come home” before the sun comes up. Even still, if for what ever reason he does not or feel like he may not a courtesy call would be nice. This has been a disagreement between us for quite a while now. I have voiced my concerns about this the last “couple” times my husband has done this. Not because I wonder who is with, if he is cheating, what he is doing, or where exactly he is, but if he is okay or not. He drinks and the people he is with drink so there is no “sober” driver. I worry that he may be hurt somewhere needing help, or that the car may be in ditch or wrapped around a pole or whatever. I don’t know if he is taking his last breath somewhere and he wonders how I feel about/for him. I wonder if he is in jail or something. I have expressed these concerns time and time again and explained that I am not trying to keep tabs on him but that I just want to know if he is okay, same has our children. I don’t even care to know where he is or who he is with, just an I’m okay.
After several attempts to help him understand that he has the nerve to tell me I’m treating him like a child! It took all I had in me not to lose my damn temper. I mean really what am I suppose to think a married man is out there doing at 5 6 7 8 in the morning. Hell one time he walked in the house at 4 the next afternoon and didn’t even acknowledge my presence. The last time he was out till 8 the next morning and told me he had fallen asleep at his “friend’s” house after drinking to much. “That’s all that happened, it wasn’t nothing like that. I wasn’t with no other woman. What struck me as odd is that, that time he felt the need to “explain” himself which he has never done before. So now I am thinking what about all the other times you stayed out till the next morning? I mean I am not crazy so I have no idea why my husband would try to think that I am. I mean phone calls at 2 3 4 5 in the morning, him explaining his whereabouts to “someone”, but if I ask I get the silent treatment or the dumb look. Text message from a “friend” give me a damn break. Friend or not those are text messages that no married man has any business sending or receiving period. The cell phone rings got to run to the next room to answer it, he suddenly has to go to the store. Really what am I suppose to think? Does he think I’m stupid or something for real!? The last time I had this conversation with him (two days ago) asked my husband if the shoe was on the other foot and it was me doing the same bullshit how would you act, how would take it, how/what would you be thinking? It got so quiet then all he could say was”your right”. So why keep ******* doing it?
I finally said **** it you win. I don’t give a **** if you go and don’t ever come back. Stay out all night and all damn day if you want, hell stay gone. I do not care anymore. I also told my husband if something happens to him not to call me. If he gets in an accident do not call me, if he gets hurt and ends up in the hospital do not call me, if he goes to jail do not call me, if he gets a DUI/DWI I’m divorcing him (my husband is a truck driver, no license no job, no wife.) I also told him I am not coming to identify his body either. I know all that was wrong to say, wrong to feel, and wrong to do to someone you love but I am at the point where if he doesn’t care about me and the way I feel about the way I feel about/care for him, then I don’t care either. Fair is fair……..
August 28th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
i not only gave in but a part of me wants to give up….my husband act like i have done so much wrong and he just sit back as usual wanting his ____ kissed. he even told me that the things he dont want to discuss is not up for discussion anyway so i dont know what to do but move on to day 13 smh!
September 16th, 2009 at 6:41 pm
OK, MY HUSBAND FOUND OUT THAT I WAS DOING THE LOVE DARE. he asked where i found the book….i told him walmart, so i hope he will buy it for himself. i’d love for him to read the book not necessarily do the dare, but read the book as it is very thought provoking and direct anyone who reads it to better relationship and involving the Savior’s love in it. today’s dare was perfect for today because i actually had to bite my tongue today when he said something about my past that i really didn’t appreciate. all i said was not to say the word always….then he said he can say whatever he wants to say and i don’t need to tell him what to say. i did tell him that always is an exaggeration and that he needed to bury the past, but he said it has been his experience w/ him, so i had all these things he had done in the past that i want to throw at him, but i chose not to. i walked to my bedroom, closed the door and went to sleep.he woke me up and apologized. i apologized again to him and told him i didn’t want to be taken advantage of when he sees that i’m more patient, loving and kind. i also told him that i bit my tongue and i didn’t appreciate the past. we said a prayer together, then he left for his brother’s house. i did read to him about agape love and what it is.
October 17th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I did this dare on the 16th but I really didn’t have a chance to give in to anything except myself. After our disasterous counseling session Thursday, my Friday was terrible. I woke up depressed, cried in the shower, on the way to work and I lost count how many times I lost it at work. My heart is truly broken. He said he went into this marriage thinking if it doesn’t work then no big deal but then “the children” came and with each one (we have 3) a new “ball and chain” was added so that now it’s too complicated for him to just leave like I know he wants to. We were engaged for 5 years. Know why? Because I didn’t go into this marriage thinking what he did. It took me 5 YEARS to truly think and know that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what. I made it very clear to him before we got married that I was in it “for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish till death do us part.” I feel betrayed. My heart and spirit are broken, but I have 3 children to think about and smile for so I can’t just crawl in a hole like I want to. I was prepared for him to say he was leaving when he came home from work because he was late again, but instead he was “nice” to me!? I was prepared to tell him to leave and do what he wanted but he offered to get me juice!? (By the way, to top this off I’m sick!) I am truly trusting God on this but my emotions are on a roller coaster. When I think things are going great, the rug gets snathched out from under me. I have never been so confused in my life. I was prepared for the worst and instead got the opposite. I don’t think he knows how long it’s been since he was nice to me and with the exception of the last 2 weeks, vice-versa. I didn’t start an argument or tell him to get out. I let things play out. I gave in to that inner voice that said “give him a chance”. You can’t blame someone for how they feel. I keep repeating the golden rule in my head and remembering that God has never given up on me even when I was terrible and didn’t deserve another chance. Please pray that God will truly touch his heart even if we don’t make it. He was baptized but he didn’t give his heart to God. Please pray for him. I can’t explain the peace that comes with giving in to His will.
October 21st, 2009 at 11:25 am
Sometimes I allow my feelings to get hurt more than others, and he had said something to me on this morning that ticked me off, instead of allowing myself to take a breath and just let it go… I felt the need to defend myself, that’s typically how we always fight. I have to make a justifiable reason for every little thing he doesn’t like. I feel I let myself fall short of this dare today… and will plug it into tomorrow along with Day 13.