Day 7: Love believes the best
[Love] believes all things, hopes all things.
—1 Corinthians 13:7
TODAY’S DARE
For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.
October 7th, 2008 at 12:24 pm
Today’s dare use two sheets of paper , on the first one write postive things about your spouse (my wife) the second one negative things . Well the first part was easy for me , I can list lots and lots of things , the second part was hard even though my wife is not perfect no ones is but her postive list out weighs the negative by a ton , but my past anger , and rude behaivor caused me to look at my wife in the wrong light , I do love my wife very much and her postive traits were wasted by me over the last few years which was my loss. It took me 23 years of being a thick head of not seeing them , but I know that for the next 23 plus years I will do all I can to lift up my Best Friend , lover and wife .
October 8th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Bravo! Thank you for the inspiration. The best of God’s blessings to you and your wife.
4Given1
October 11th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
I found todays dare rather easy. My postives was way more then my negatives on my husband. I could only think of 5 things that upset me about him and I had 25 good things.So i’m rather happy. If I had lots on the bad end I would be worrying right now that we got lots to fix.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Thanks for the inspiration!! I think that looking at somethign from a different perspective always changes things - hopefully for the better!! Gotta go and write my lists!!
October 20th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
The positive list was much easier for me to write last night. I ended the exercise with 12 positive things and only 4 negative things. And I can say with no exaggeration at all that I could have more easily doubled the size of the positive list than think of four more negative traits. The negative list seemed mostly petty, while the positive list was full of things I deeply admired or appreciated about my wife. Looking at the two lists now, if I could erase all 4 of the listed negative qualities from my wife for the price of also losing even the least important one of the 12 positive qualities I had written, I would honestly not make that trade. My wife’s character traits are so heavily weighted on the positive side, that the negative attributes are almost imperceptible by comparison.
October 20th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I had quite a bit of both but the positive outweighed the negative. There are probably so many negative because I tend to hold a grudge… But he’s a good guy and I fell for him because of his heart. He loves Jesus more than anything.
October 24th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I could barely come up with 4 positive and each positive reflects a negative. Such as: He is generous with friends, but steals from his children and our household account. He works hard at work, but at home he is lazy.
The list of negatives is ridiculously long. Reading that this morning about visiting the room with the positive thoughts, reminds me even more how much he has changed and how empty that room is now. He used to take great care of our yard, he used want to work a job where he could get lots of overtime to support his family, he used to be happy and now he is completely the opposite and sees nothing wrong.
We ended up arguing because I asked if we could skip today, knowing how negative I would be. I was sort of joking. He got all bent out of shape about it and 2 mins later he admitted he didnt complete yesterdays dare. Uhh, double standards. Then as I was pointing out how to pin point wrong motives, he starts in on my faults and saying that I always have to point out his faults but take no responsibility for my own. I actually printed up my journal from yesterday to prove to him that I actually did do the day and the exact wrong motives I have. Whatever.
I will have to leave him a note thanking him for something positive….I don’t know what, but I will have to think of something before I go to bed. *sigh* Bad day….
October 25th, 2008 at 7:28 am
Like many of you already said, my list of positive things about my husband was much longer (by a 2.5:1 ratio). I’m glad though, because now I have something to look at to remind me why I married him in the first place. He really is a great guy, I just think sometimes life gets in the way, and Satan steps in and tries to show us that we’re missing out on something “better”.
I’m so thankful for this dare because now I can go to his appreciation room anytime I want, and put a lock on the depreciation room!
October 25th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Thanks! I love your “appreciation room” vs “depreciation room” concept. I’ll try to be spending more time in there myself!! Your perspective is right on target!! Keep going!! You’re doing a great job!!
October 27th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Day 7 - I very much enjoyed making the positive list because it just flowed. All of the positives came so easy. I have an awesome wife that has a great love for people. It warmed my heart and I really enjoyed writing out the positives…in fact I would like to find a way to display in our home the positive attributes of my wife. I want her to know how special she is to me and the world around her. A wonderful reminder of all the amazing ways to describe my wife. I shared with my wife how I love how compassionate she is, and she has such a loving heart for others. The negatives were difficult for me to come up with. What concerned me was the negatives attributes of my wife all stemmed from 1 negative. My wife first and foremost loves Jesus, then loves me, and loves all who she comes in contact with. The one person she is really not find of is herself. She is really hurting from very low self esteem. I tell her I love her and praise her the wonderful person she is and wonderful things she does but she seems to take any negative from the world and takes all the overwhelming responsibility of that hurt. This dare really hit home and I need to continue to lift up prayers for my wife and to help her see how wonderfully made she is and to tell her and show her that she is the most amazing wife to me. Please if I can ask those who read this to lift up my wife in prayer.
November 4th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I sat and made my list of both. I knew I would have more positive but I had more negative listed then i thought I would. Some of them went hand in hand. He was at work today so I sent him a text message of one of the positives. We had a situation with our son who is in high school and driving today that needed immediate attention. My husband was a work and came home for a few minutes to sit with me and our son to solve the matter. We handled things well I thought and the car was taken for a week. My husband is always there for us but this was tops to me! I wanted him to know that and that he is a great husband and father!
November 27th, 2008 at 3:37 am
someone please help me find out the second part of the positive trait list
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Today’s dare was a good one. I reconnected with all the happy feelings I have for my husband. e really is a good man. We just keep letting the anger come between us. Negative list was way shorter than the positive list. I really enjoyed the “appreciation room” analogy. Very good, and I hadn’t thought of that before…how much we all visit the depreciation room… hoping to do some major changing in this area!!!
December 30th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Writing my list of positives and negatives was pretty easy. I made sure to write the positive things first so not to get too consumed with the negative. What surprised me in the end was that the positive list was longer than the negative list. However, the negative list was more encompasing.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
My list of positives were super easy and alot! I really didnt have to think on it. The negative, I really had to stop and think. I had a few but not many at all. He really is a rare breed and a gentleman. He still opens doors for me and calls every night he works to tell his kids and I goodnight and I love you. I know at times I take him for granted and I am really trying to let him know now how much he means to me and how much I see him do for me and our family. I am sooo thankful to God for bringing him into my life!
January 7th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
The positive list was alot easier to write…but as I was trying to come up with something for the other list…we talked on the phone and he was a big jerk. He says he isn’t over my looking through his wallet 2mths ago and thinks that its something I do on a regular basis. I am so ashamed for having done that. I haven’t done that in over a year..although that doesn’t make it right. Nothing I do will convince him of that. Yesterday he was nicer. So…in the end my positives were alot more. I really do love him no matter what.
This challenge has really made me see alot about myself and my motivations and reactions. I am thankful the changes this book has forced me to see where needed. I feel that I am not only on my way to becoming a better spouse…so not there yet…but also a better parent. I thank God for this book and His awesome timing for bringing it into my life when He did.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:34 am
[...] Day 7: Love believes the best [...]
February 5th, 2009 at 11:33 am
I agree, it was much easier to think of positive things about my wife, and some thought had to go into finding the few negatives I came up with. The real thing about any of the negatives I came up with, is that they don’t all exist at once, nor are they often. For the most part, she’s beautiful…all over, inside and out.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
My list of negatives is much longer than the positives. I can barely think of any positives. Here is what I have so far, and this is somewhat grasping:
Affectionate
Encouraging
Health Concise
Good looking
****
Good Father
The negatives seem to flow much easier than the positives. I think it’s because I have dwelled on them for so long. But here are the negatives:
Lying
Cheating
Negative
Impulsive
Short-tempered
Lazy
Judgmental
Irresponsible
Childish
Selfish
Vain
Addictions
Procrastinator
Smothering
Spends too much money
I know I have my own faults and I am willing to work on them. But for someone who isn’t working, he’s not pulling his weight at all. For example, he was home all day for three days with our daughter and did nothing but cooked some spaghetti last night and put a load of clothes in the wash and then in the dryer. Oh yea, he swept a little. He didn’t have to do anything special for our daughter, she just watches TV all day. He claims hes going stir crazy. I would too if I did nothing productive for months. And then he has the nerve to want me to dish out the money for him to play in a softball tournament this Saturday. He thinks not working is getting to him! It’s really getting to me!
February 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Day 7 was surprising to me. It almost seemed everything positive about him had an equal negative. My point of view changed from each list. For example he is a very hard worker and motivated but on the other hand not working hard at marriage or motivated to do so. I felt like a lot of the list were contradicting. Some positives stood on their own so to a degree the positives out weighed the negatives but I am not sure if my attitude from day 5 and 6, which wasnt very healthy had a impact on my lists. I guess I feel angry at myself and hurt. How did I get here. I am still praying about it. Does anyone out here feel angry and hurt and frustrated also. Sometimes I feel alone like I am the only one that goes backwards some days. I am trying to keep it together. I told him the positive thing I liked about him but he was just silent. He still has no idea I am doing this and I am afraid if he found out he would think I was only doing it because the book said so, not because doing it is a personal choice that at anytime we can walk away from. Well another day, another struggle. I guess this is harder than I thought but I am not quitting, just venting. Pray for me as I do for you please. I need some encouragement.
February 25th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Well I made my list. Came up with 4 negative things and 7 positives.
when I complimented her on one of them. (Her knowledge in math and how she helps our son with it more than I ever could. Her reply “It’s nothing, anybody that is not stupid could do it” made me feel stupid like she was putting me down.
small side note:
I asked my son who is 11 to tell me three things that I do that makes him feel uncomfortable. He only could come up with two.. I get impatient and I get condecencing……..
Maybe the feeling that I got of wife putting me down was a reflection of myself and how I interact with others….
I had bad thoughts running through my head this morning agian. I prayed on the way to work. I asked god to not only help my wife but told him I am weak. I need help to get through this also..
on to day 8
February 27th, 2009 at 7:45 am
I will make a list later.
Feeling bad today. One thing on his list was d and d and I did that last night. Feeling very dumb. He wasn’t home so he doesn’t know but I do. I don’t know how to stop. Prayed for help this morning -will continue to pray through out the day - please pray for me - for stregth for smarts for help!
February 28th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I didn’t get to the list but 1. helpful around the house. 2 sends me poems 3. 1. does work for his ex inlaws knowing I hate it. 2. sees/jokes w/ talks to ex ALOT 3. when he does stuff around the house that I should have done he is very loud about it ie. emptying the garbage I wait until the last minute, if there is room for a gumball 0 its not full. he will empty it but make as much noise as possible.4. over sexed, some women would be happy to have their man want them no matter what they look like but not me. give a few days without the leering, staring, groping and i might actually start something. 5 the lies. when I peeked you were snoring….when he peeked in I was faking sleep so he wouldn’t try to make love. I’m sure there are more positives but I’m not in the mood right now.
February 28th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
I sat and listed the goods and the bads and I can see that the goods clearly blow away the bad. I know that the more time I spend thinking about my wonderful wife, the harder it is to notice the bad points. In some instances, like her not finishing a project before starting another, it becomes a JOY to watch her enthusiasm and energy as she goes to each project. (a negative becomes a Positive!)
April 21st, 2009 at 1:37 pm
This one was a little difficult for me. I have been focusing on the positive so it was easy for me to think of a HUGE list of positive, but when I got the negative, I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t think of very many negative things because most of our problems (as I have learned this week) stem from my selfishness. He’s not completely faultless, I know, he does have his faults which I was able to write a few down. I thanked him for 3 of those attributes during the day & got really positive results. I did learn that he has more positive traits than he does negative. I want to move into that part of my heart and close the door on the negative part & lose the key & never visit it again.
April 21st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
I just realized that I said that I thanked my husband for 3 of those attributes, but didn’t say that they were the positive ones…they were. Sorry.
May 26th, 2009 at 8:16 am
I could only list the more general positives like her qualities to others as a mother, employee and her non-wife responsibilities. We are separated and she has begun divorce proceedings. The intimate qualities were too painful to detail as I have damaged our relationship so much. I couldn’t even suffer to list them much less repeat them to her. I felt as if I annoyed her just showing appreciation for the the less intimate qualities. I know she would really get upset with me listing things that I turned my back on by being unfaithful.
May 27th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
[...] Day 7: Love believes the best [...]
June 29th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
So, i made my lists this morning and honestly tried to focus on the posotive things. Expecially since a lot of my husbands attributes have been coming out the past week due to the dares. However, i found my negative list is huge. Just for some backround as this is my first day journaling about the dares; we have been married for 3 years now and were married very, VERY young. I am the one who wants out of this relationship, between growing apart, his little lies everywhere, lack of trust I just don’t want this anymore. So, I presented the love dare to him and we are doing it to each other as a last resort. Surprisingly, my husband has been keeping up with each day and well exceding my expectations. I actually thought he would totally forget and I would be able to use that as leverage to get out. I guess God has other plans for us. But so far so good, we’ve been working well together but I’m still not really feeling it. I feel like I’m trying my hardest, but I just don’t feel anything towards him, not even hate, just blah! Like he’s just some man that lives in my house. But, I’m happy there is this website, its nice to know that there are others doing the dare!
July 16th, 2009 at 9:56 am
Day: 7 07/14/2009
Love Believes the Best modify / delete
Today talked about two different rooms within our hearts. The first room is called the Appreciation Room. In this room is where we tend to store all the positive and encouraging things about our spouse. The second room is called the Depreciation Room. In this room is where we tend to store hurt, disappointment, and frustration caused by our spouse. Today’s challenge was to take two sheets of paper and one sheet write all the positive things about our spouse and all the negative things on the other. I knew this would be a fairly easy challenge and it took me no time to write my lists. Well here is my list……
POSTIVE ABOUT SPOUSE NEGATVE ABOUT SPOUSE
Believes in GOD short tempered
funny/sense of humor judgmental
can fix anything lies/cheats
goes out of his way for others smokes/drinks
smart selfish
handsome/**** rude
great kisser/lover won’t compromise
friendly unappreciative
kind hearted complains
protective irritable/moody
passionate procrastinator
confident outspoken
talented goes out to much
hard worker doesn’t help around house
good provider has to be right all the time
outspoken opinionated
opinionated unorganized/messy
he’s his own person no family time
his smile stubborn
good husband/father doesn’t say I love you anymore
enjoys life/having fun doesn’t make me feel important
determined talks down to me/at me
reliable calls me names
loves hard doesn’t take my feelings seriously
strong threatens to leave/divorce me
still finds me attractive
fights for what he believes in
While I was writing my list my husband walks up and asks what I was doing. I tell me that I am writing a positive and negative list of things about him and he asks if he can see. I told him no because I wasn’t finished. He didn’t press the issue but maybe I’ll share it later. I kept my negative remarks to myself again today even after he told me he was going out for a couple drinks and to shoot some pool but that he would only be a couple hours. Once again I knew not to hold my breath, especially when his phone kept going off which made me wonder if he was going to meet his “friend” tonight. I no longer make my “smart ***” comments (as he calls them) about the “friend” anymore. I have totally given that to GOD. Don’t get me wrong I am not going to be naive about it but I am not going to lose anymore sleep over it. I must admit I was a bit surprised when he came home only a couple hours later. He really wanted to make love too which caught me off guard ( we had *** the night before). I was tired and already asleep so when he attempt to “arouse” me I didn’t respond. He didn’t seem too disappointment, he just gave me a kiss on the forehead and held me until he fell asleep.
I know all the problems in my marriage did not happen over night and I know they will not be repaired overnight. I am thanking GOD for little process that has taken place in my life and in my marriage. I see the changes that has taken place in me and therefore in my marriage. I will continue to pray that GOD works his miracles.
September 8th, 2009 at 10:56 am
This dare is, by far, the most difficult for me so far.
My negative list on my wife is vast, while I have to really reach for any of the positives. I’ve spent about an hour on the list and the negatives outweigh the positives 6 to 1. I may be slightly overly-critical on some of the negatives, but not many, especially when there are people that tell me blatantly some of my wife’s negative attributes by their observations.
I am completely floored by this activity. It makes me feel like I -have- been a chump and that I should have listened to others instead of insisting that she was my wife and that I didn’t want to hear anything negative about her.
I am so lost!
September 9th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
I’ve struggled doing this. Our church group has decided to do the dare, my husband actually agreed to go to the church group.
I just don’t know if this will work. I feel that I have done all of this for the last 7 years and things don’t change. I feel that by being patient & kind & by being encouraging has only made his life more enjoyable & mine more frustrating.
I don’t want to put my negative/positive list on paper because the only positive I can put down is that he pays the bills. But even that he can buy whatever he wants but if I even buy something necessary I get the 3rd degree.
Where is the line of standing up for yourself/not being an enabler?
Despite my frustration, I am confident in God! He is a miracle worker & I’m counting on one here despite my feelings.
September 10th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
this morning i asked my husband if he’s got the 3 things that i do that make him iritated and uncomfortable with me. well, he said he doesn’t really think there is any…….WHAT??? he said it is hard for him to think of anything because there really isn’t any. this was a compliment, but i still want to know, but will give him time in case there is any. i’m thankful he doesn’t think there is any. i do love this man very much and i would go to any length to make sure he feels loved by me.
OK, one characteristic of my husband that i’m thankful he has is his ability to teach simple yet effective lessons that can stick with any child. i can never do that, i tend to go too deep whenever i teach. i think this characteristic of him complement mine.
i’m so thankful i don’t say anything negative anymore about and/or to my husband. it changes the tone of our relationship and home. i gave him a hug and kiss when he came home yesterday from a long day at work. i prepared him lunch this morning to take and wished him a good day. i believe in kindness and unconditional love.
i continue to pray for miracles and softening of hearts and leaving up to divine potentials.
October 9th, 2009 at 7:54 am
After spending about 20 minutes thinking of anymore negative, I couldn’t come up with any. I had 23 positive traits and 3 negatives. I think that is definitely a good thing, he has so many amazing qualities… and there aren’t many negative to out weigh them. This showed to me the entire reason I feel in love with this man. And why I know he is here in my life. I thanked him for being a great cook, he works everyday and comes home to cook for us. That’s amazing, of course when I learn how to NOT burn the food, I’ll take over that job.. but as for now, I will praise him for his ability to make my mouth water! LOL
October 9th, 2009 at 8:01 am
After posting the last bit, and reading some of the previous post from other Love Darer’s
I felt that maybe my list could help someone, so I’ve decided to add it as well, as well as a side note in the beginning:
Maybe these are the kind of entries that I do souly for myself, but I feel it may be good for me to look back on this years to come when I do this journey again, to see what it was like in the very beginning. This is a documentation for myself, and no one else.. feel free to read and know I’m pouring myself into this, to create a whole in my relationship with my husband and God, to create a strength and a bond between us that cannot be broken. To mend any broken pieces that we may have made along the way.
My list of positives:
*He’s an exceptional worker
*He’s kind
*He’s handsome
*He’s honest
*He’s loving
*He’s strong
*He’s never afraid
*He’s a wonderful father
*He’s caring
*He’s a great cook
*He has amazing dreams
*He has the most beautiful eyes
*He has a gorgeous smile
*He is a great listener
*He’s good with communication
*He has a big heart
*He is my best friend
*He bends over backwards for Lily and I
*He’s smart - SO VERY SMART
*He’s funny -I’M SORRY, HILARIOUS
*He’s charming
*He’s a good story teller
*He’s deep
My list of negatives:
*He’s quick tempered
*He’s hard to calm down
*He focus’s more on the past than the now
October 10th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I haven’t made my list yet but I will. We went to our first marriage counseling session today. I think we did ok. It’s nice to have an unbiased outside person listening to us. I cried when he said that he thought our marriage was salvagable. I hope he’s right. I am still trying and struggling everyday with the dares. We are going to church tomorrow. A bigger church. I feel God is leading us here. I pray that He can touch my husband’s heart. Only He can. My cousin has been there for me every step of the way since she found out we were having problems. I am so blessed to have her.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Can anyone help me???? I started reading the The Love Dare and I think is a great book. My BIGGEST problem though is that my wife and I are already separated. We’ve being separated for 2 months now. At first it seemed like everything was going to be ok and than I started to push buttons cause I didn’t like the separation. One day we had this huge argument on a friday afternoon and she locked her self in our room and I pushed the door without thrown it down and than later she told me that her sister was holding the door. Right after that night she requested the divorce papers. Our marriage fell apart when we left Gods foots steps. We our both christians and I started drinking and encouraging others to drink with me and my wife as well. I feel guilty for that but 3 1/2 weeks after the separation I told God to give me a second chance in life and my marriage. I lost my job that I had for 6 yrs and my business was not moving at ALL and I couldn’t see my self our my marriage getting out of that hole. 7 weeks later my relationship with the Lord is sooo much better than ever!!! He saved me. Now I’m working on my marriage but everyday is a different challenge. My wife is still drinking going to night clubs with her \friends\ and now I feel that I complettely lost her. I pray every day for her and God gives me strength but its so hard. She made a comment to her friend that she was really stressed out. At first she told me that she wanted nothing to do with God but I guess recently she posted on her facebook to have God help her in her decision. (us) Any suggestions?