Day 5: Love is not rude
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him.
—Proverbs 27:14
TODAY’S DARE
Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only.
October 9th, 2008 at 8:13 am
My husband says I look for prasie in everything I do. He wonders if I just do things just to hear a positive comment from him.He says he dont have to say something with every meal I cook him. He says if he didnt like my cooking he would tell me and not eat it. It’s not that I look for a comment all the time from him but it is nice to hear it .He told me that lastnight before I had even read todays dare. I’ll have to ask him tonight what 2 other things I do that bugs him. I fear to hear the other 2 but I’ll do it.
October 10th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
Well, today’s dare brought much with it.
I was not looking forward to this dare, as my husband is very critical of me every chance he gets and here I was presenting him with an invitation.
I was very surprised at his responses. Two of them really surprised me; when I am driving and talking to someone on the telephone and they ask me where I am, I never give them the exact location I “lie” to them and tell them I am at one road when I am indeed at another. The other was when I am talking to him on the telephone I don’t end the conversation……I just hang up. When he said them I was a bit bewildered inside. I gave it much thought and realized he did have a point with the talking with him on the telephone. He has told me so many times he does not want to hear about my day, my job, my business, what is going on with the kids, friends, etc., that in really thinking about it, I think I have trained myself that when we have finished the “How was your day”, “Fine, how was yours”, I begin to go into my day and as I am getting into it, as I would with a friend or another relative, it hits me like a ton of bricks “oh, wait, he doesn’t want to hear about this” and I realize I am “sharing” with him, which he has asked me not to do, and I do abruptly end the conversation with “well I will see you when you get home”.
This made me realize, what strange behavior can come out of two people that are in two different places in their mind. This opened up conversation with us over this and although I do not feel anything is resolved, it will be interesting to see how things play out with both of us in the future.
The last thing was a bit hard for me to swallow; he told me in doing things I do for others I am not genuine. I only take the kids to do things that are fun, or take everyone on family vacations, or even take everyone to a movie or do something special because I feel guilty about something and think that will make it up. I only do special things for people to make myself feel less guilty about working or not spending time with people. This made me sad that he sees me this way. I really don’t think I feel this way at all. I love to do special things for people because I enjoy the joy it brings them and as far as the kids I love to see them try new things and have different experiences. How he perceives me really hurt my feelings.
He knows that I am reading the book and we seen the movie together. He told me I am just like the movie. The only reason they ended up happy together in the end is because he paid for her mother’s equipment. He thinks the movie was not genuine and is only about what people can buy for others. He also told me that he wants to take the gift I bought him for Day 3 back and would like the receipt because he feels the same way about that (and also that the money could have been better spent).
It certainly has been a day full of challenges.
October 11th, 2008 at 7:01 am
Wow - it’s so intersting to see that our spouses see us in a way that just about no one else in our lives do. Why is that. I am about to enter into this challenge for today, and already feel anxious about it. We never seem to make the time to really “talk” about things that I feel are important. Why don’t our partners want to hear about our day, etc. It is puzzling to me as well. I pray that you continue the love dare journey, and that it softens his heart toward you. God Bless!
Ready
October 11th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I texted Christine from work asking her this question, and she needed some time to think about it. She later gave me these three things. She gets upset or irritated with me when…
1. She can’t get my attention while my borther Davey is at the house.
2. I leave a wet towel on something made of wood.
3. She comes home late, and the kids are still awake.
I was careful not to make any comments or justifications when she told me these things (not that I really had any justifications anyway). I am glad to know these things, and I’m glad to see that these will be easily remedied. I will be more conscientious about hanging towels back up, putting the kids to bed, and most importantly, making her feel loved and appreciated while I have Davey or other friends in the house.
October 18th, 2008 at 12:13 am
Blew today all to heck. I got really upset with him and we fussed most of the day. I didn’t bother asking him the question because I’m sure he could have come up with a whole lot more than three things today. Tomorrow is our 4th anniversary and I hope it goes better. I’ll ask him for the 3 things tomorrow….
October 19th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Yesterday was my 2nd try @ this dare and it went very well. It was our anniversary and we went out to the movies and had a good time. The 3 things that irritate/bother him are:
1. That he believes that I don’t believe that he truly loves me.
2. That I anger too quickly, mostly lately.
3. That I am overly worrisome about his health/medications.
I actually knew these already so it wasn’t a shock when he told them to me. Now, I have to get working on today’s dare.
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:58 pm
The three things my husband pointed out were:
1. That I sometimes say things for the sake of saying something or to start some kind of conversation. During these times, he doesn’t know how to respond and feels uncomfortable.
2. He thinks I can be more deliberate about what I say and do. He thinks sometimes I can choose my words more carefully (more thought into what I say). And more preparation can made in anticipation for dealing with the kids.
3. Sometimes he senses that I let myself define myself by my environment (i.e., placing a career choice as a high priority, taking on more activities, etc.). He feels this gets me in over my head sometimes.
I agree with his assessment on all three; I genuinely feel like I’m doing the best job I can can to learn (and use) new tools to deal with the kids’ behavioral problems. To improve in these areas, I am going to put more thought into whether or not anything needs to be said or if silence is the better option. I will find out how he feels I can be more deliberate with my words, and will talk it over with him before adding any other activites to my schedule.
I was pretty nervous about this dare, and judging from the fact that it took him two days to get back to me, I think he was too. The Lord definitely prepared my heart for his words, and I think they came at the right time.
October 23rd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
We are doing this Love Dare together. We start the day with reading the chapter together. Today we read the chapter and he wanted to procrastinate and talk about it later. I felt that there would be no time later as he was working and probably would not want to initiate a conversation after 9pm at night.
His three :
1) I am pushy. Example: pushing for us to do this dare this morning.
2) I am too critical.
3) During arguments I am never wrong and refuse to see his point.
Not a shock. I knew these things. I wanted to rebuttle all he said, but I kept my mouth shut.
My 3 things:
1) His need to be friends and overly friendly with teenagers. He has gone to drinking parties with them, gone drinking with them, and let one 16 yr old girl drive his car. I told him this embarasses me. Also that being friends/friendly with a 16 yr old is inappropriate on all kinds of levels.
2) His words. He uses alot of foul language when he is speaking to me and to our children. Also, he never measures his words before speaking and has no regard for how they make anyone feel.
3) His procrastination. This has been a sore spot for me for the last year or so. Anytime I ask him to do something, he goes out of his way NOT to do it and when I remind him, I am nagging or being the B word.
This was very difficult for him because he ALWAYS defends these attributes and today he was not allowed to defend them..he really wanted to justify his behavior. I know the first one he doesnt believe he does.
I did notice later in the day that he corrected himself when he cussed, so maybe, just maybe he is taking this dare to heart. We shall see
October 25th, 2008 at 11:14 am
Day 5 - Yesterday was a very difficult day for my wife. She had a miserable day at work - inconsiderate team members that would not help her with patients even when she got really busy. She called me in tears. I sent her the email early in the day asking her if she could send or share with me 3 things that make her feel uncomfortable or irritate her about me. She was having a hard day so I did not hear from her until late last night. When I got home she was struggling to find an outfit for an important event today. She was not liking how she looked and was very upset and self conscious. I suggested maybe we find and outfit for her tonight and on Sunday after church we go out shopping and find her some new clothes she feels great in. She was upset with that suggestion and did not want to…I’m not sure why? At this point it was getting late and I asked her about the 3 . She had written them down. We sat on the couch and she read them to me. 1. (upset when) I do not always respect or value myself, feeling like I am not good enough. 2. (uncomfortable when) I am not good at sharing my likes or dislikes. Not sure what I want
(I usually just go with the flow). 3. (irritates her when) Often I do not hang up my suit or clothes when I get home from work (I always get to it, but she does not like seeing them hanging on a chair). I apologized and promised I would work on these areas. I felt very relieved to know. I work as a Sales coach and Manager as my profession - I coach, train, and inspire a team to sell and give their best to the guests. It really meant a lot for me to know. My wife was also very relieved to be able to share and knows I am open to coaching. I’m looking forward to the weekend.
November 4th, 2008 at 9:54 am
This is my first posting on here for all to read since I started this. Reading these other posts made me feel better. I too was very nervous and anxious to ask my spouse so it took a couple days to bring them up. I was expecting way more then 3 things and in a matter of seconds he blurted the 3 out. I knew a few things already. I guess deep down we all know where we fall short at times in ourselves but to hear someone close to us say them hurts. I felt defensive for a second but caught myself knowing that what was said is so true. I am hot tempered, I allow little things to upset me, and paranoid. He said I am always on the defense acting like everyone is out to get me. I have grown up being taught not to trust people and belittled by my father. So for years I have tried moving past the past but some days it catches up with me. I am ready for the next challenge today. I am ready to learn, love and leave the past where it belongs and let God into my heart and heal me.
November 6th, 2008 at 8:35 am
im sure i know what he is gonna say but i will see. im gonna send him an email today so we can discuss it tonight. sooo not looking forward to this dare
November 7th, 2008 at 8:31 am
i asked my husband this in an email, and he never answered them, i do know some of the big ones he would say however because he has told me before so i will work on those.
November 11th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Well, all I can say is OUCH! 1. I need to be a better listener, and let him interupt. (I guess I’m lacking in Grace…I have seen this from the beginning…for him and myself - see #2). 2. I have been jealous about his outside activities. My friend shared that when her children were young, she had a lack of balance and had a hard time when her husband didn’t do the same thing. I need to find some things I can do for myself. I still want to take swim lessons, but I always looked at it as too much time away from my kids and shouldn’t they get to take them instead. Though swimming would be really great for my arthritis in my neck. Anyway, he included my jealousy of his mom…but I guess I feel he is more devoted to her, as he feels I need to be her best friend even though I am not allowed to disagree with anything she says (she is a strong liberal, has a foul mouth in front of my kids, is constantly trying to put a wedge between me and my husband, had pot growing in her basement and so we don’t let the kids spend the night, and my husband’s idea of my response to all this is to be her close friend.
The third thing is, you guessed it…my negative comments to him about his mom. I decided I would try not to say anything to him about her anymore. So far, this one makes me want to find a life outside of this marriage to have fun, and to stop being open to my husband when his mom is out of bounds,
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
He said:
Cleanliness (he has OCD, and I do not, but I keep the house clean, just not to his standards)
Attitude
Thinking before I speak
I can work on these things.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 pm
my husband said he that he dosn’t like me to ask whats wrong? 2 my temper he didn’t give me the third one. I don’t understand why that would bother him me asking what wrong? When I see him just there I ask him whats wrong.
December 5th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
[...] Day 5: Love is not rude [...]
December 6th, 2008 at 1:26 am
Last night I asked her what 3 things that irritated her prior to her breaking up with me. I have not given up hope-yet. She responded with, “If you havent figured it out yet you really have problems.” Well, she said I was smothering her… What is that? I really need her input, as well as others in this community. ADVICE IS WELCOME
December 8th, 2008 at 6:43 am
This was a strange one for me, I expected my wife to have a laundry list of things that I do that irratate her. But when I asked, she only came up with one thing! She said that she thinks I get a little too angry with the kids over little things and that I need to be a little nicer in disciplining them. I didn’t defend, and I do think she has a point, so I’ve since tried to be better.
But even though I pressed it, she said she only remembers other things when they happen. I’m not sure if that’s bad or good? Does she not see things that are long-term issues, or does she just not want to share this with me. I fear it’s the second, because I think our biggest problem is that we both avoid conflict like it was the plague.
I guess I’ll try to ask again later.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:12 am
As I was finishing reading the entire chapter last night, all I could think of was how it related to T and couldn’t think of anything in general that relates to me. I’m still at a point where I am so consumed about what HE was doing wrong, that I’m having a hard time looking at myself.
He finally just wrote back: “This is very hard for me to answer. We have talked about this stuff in therapy so many times. I cant just list off 3 things that specifically irratated me. With that said I will TRY to answer your question the best I can.
#1 One thing that comes to mind was when you always had to check that I did something. Even though I told you I did you would go look and check it yourself.
#2 Lots of times you would assume you knew what I was going to do or what I was thinking and go to a negative place before anything had happened.
#3 When we would talk you would always try to sway me to your thinking. Even if our opioins were different you would not accept that we could see things diferent and move on. You always want to push me to your way of seeing it. “
He is right, I did do all of those things and I can give reasons for all of them. We talked about all of these things in counseling and it frustrates me that he still doesn’t see WHY these things happened.
#1, I really don’t have a good excuse for other than I am a bit OCD and I do that with others and not just him. I don’t know how to stop it. It’s just the feeling inside of me that says “you must check to be sure it was done and done right”. Although in my defense, sometimes it was more of a “great, let me see what you did!” like if he was fixing or building something. Why is it so wrong to want to see his accomplishment?
#2 I guess I always figured if I expected the worst, then I wouldn’t be dissapointed when/if it happened. Perhaps if I trusted more in the positive, then maybe if it didn’t work out, he would feel my dissapoitment and try to do better next time. Or, trust that the power of positive thinking would result in a positve end. As this was day 1’s dare, it is somehting I am continuing to work on daily.
#3 is something we both struggled with but often times it was because we were saying the same thing in different ways. But then other times, I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t see that what I was saying was more practical/logical/..right. I believe that this is somehting we had gotten better at through counseling. Communicating and listening to each other. Sometimes it was a daily struggle.
Regardless of how I feel about why I did these things, they were things that really bothered him and I should have tried harder to stop doing them.
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I just read my post from back in Nov. and now I will post today. I restarted the challenge because I didnt feel I gave it 100%. Plus I feel I have a closer connection with God then I did before. So, I asked the what 3 things bother him or make him uncomfortable that I do. It took him a few minutes and 1. I yell to much about things 2. I see things on tv that bother me(all the ***, drinking, yck shows)and complain about it even though I dont watch them. 3. didnt have one Then I asked for 3 positive things (to make me feel better! lol) 1. easy to get along with 2. I will try new things most of the time 3. good mom
So, on that I all is well. I new the temper things would come up I am working on that daily. So hopefully before I know it I will be calmer and more self disciplined. The tv thing really bother me because I teach and think of all the young kids seeing this mess and I think of people in relationships. I dont see how those shows help or encourage true balance, trust, work or anything positive to keep people together. I wish they would go back to some good ol comedy family shows! We need more positive things in the world. anyway, on to day 5!!!!
January 3rd, 2009 at 1:28 pm
oops! I mean on to day 6 !! my the days fly by doing this.
January 5th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
This is my first post although I am getting ready to start day 6. I thought it was going pretty well until yesterday. My hubby has been really depressed, not just sad, for several mths. He has been having chest pains in the afternoon and anxiety attacks. It is the stress of the business he started a year ago. Seems like more than the normal has gone wrong lately. He is a subcontractor and in July he went 6 weeks without work. He felt the stress for us and his employees. Then in early Nov. I felt him withdrawing from everyone and (due to past experiences) looked through his wallet and found a womans number one a business card. I questioned him and long story short..have let it go. Put it did make him pull away more. Then his brother, to whom he was extremely close, died on 12-22. He really closed off. He says he loves me and wants our marriage but has shut off all his feelings for me right now and just needs time.
These dares have been hard but I have put my all into them. Yesterday he hung up on me, I called back and hung up on him…then text him he needed to see a psychiatrist. Then I read day 5 and immediately text him an apology (I knew he wouldn’t answer a call). He says he forgives me…although he never apologizes…oh well. I ask him about the three things and he still hasn’t given me an answer.
My 12yr old son asked me what the book was about. I read him dare 1 and 2 then he said, “mom, you are like that to dad everyday.” I went back and read #2 to remind myself not to get proud of my actions and do them with the right heart always.
Well, I am moving on to day 6. I plan to work on things from day 5 that he has mentioned in the past and will wait with patience until he has his three picked out.
January 5th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Is it me or is anyone else going through this. This harder I try to be understanding and patient the more he seems to push me away. He has started hanging up on me alot. He is supposed to come home for our daughters birthday Friday. He does seem to be finding ways to not make it now. Please pray he does make it.
January 5th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Day 5 was so hard. Her response hurt and made me angry. She was right for the most part, but for some of it she couldn’t be further from the truth. My wife thinks there is no way I’m doing this to improve our relationship or myself. She believes I have some hidden agenda and its some kind of trick or trap. She is paranoid and moody. It makes doing this, such a roller coaster ride. One day she is so receptive, and the next shes telling me Im wasting my time. She’s never the same two days in a row. When I read her email of the three things that irritate her, I immediately started writing one back. I was really letting her have it, and the whole time God was saying stop. I finally listened, and deleted it just as I was finishing. Instead, I sent her a reply that just said, “thank you”. Taking criticism is one of the things I have to work on. I’ve been spending a lot of time praying for my wife. Somethings not right. Her mood swings have got worse over the years and she’s often depressed. Nothing I do seems to help, so I’ve given it to God. I never know what to expect when I come through the door.
February 21st, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Day5 (still)
I never reilized how hard this was going to be. WIfe,son and I went out to dinner for my B-Day. I had a great time.
before bed I actualy gave my wife a kiss and thanked her for the evening. This is the first time we kissed in months. It seemed to be going good so this morning I sent wife an e-mail with the day 5 questions
It read:
Thank you so much for the wonderful time I had last night. I was 100% better that my b-day last year.
I am trying to become a better husband and father and I would like it if you could take a minute and answer a question for me. I am going to be asking (my son) the same question. I know you can probably come up with more but ….
What are three things that cause you to be uncomfortable or irritated with me?
Please be honest.
She has not replied and seems to have become “distant” again.
So I if I do not get an answer then I am going to consider day 5 done and move on..
February 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 am
I knew right after I looked over day 5 that this was a mistake. We seemed to be gaining ground and I didnt want to remind him of some of the reasons why we were in this mess. He said that I have been so good lately that he couldnt even think of anything right now. I kept pursuing and than giggled to myself about the fact I was getting on his nerves. I am like, (heres one- I am pushy hahah) he didnt laugh. I needed one. I havnt laughed a lot lately. I am sure most of you starting this havnt laughed much either. Anyway he still doesnt know I am doing this so I let it go. I have a pretty good idea what annoys him because I have been working on them for over a month now. Good news is apparently I have gained progress since he didnt have much to complain about. This can get difficult when they dont recipricate love. Sometimes I feel I am getting drained while he is milking it. I know I just have to keep practicing what I learned over the past few days and the feelings will pass.
Anyway, prayers again to all of you.
February 22nd, 2009 at 6:15 pm
ahhhhhh…. I really hate this dare. I have no way of starting this conversation. I’m giving him the oportunity to tell me what I do wrong and I know he is going to enjoy saying them…. Lets see whats happens.
February 24th, 2009 at 8:30 am
So I found this dare to be the hardest so far. Not that I was worried about what my wife would say. It was finding the right time to approach her. I ended up sending and E- mail. If I did not get a answer I was just going to go on to day 6. Well I received a reply:
I don’t know why this matters. I can think of several things that irritate me about a lot of people, including myself. It doesn’t mean I think less of them or don’t want to be around them. And it depends on my mood how I’m affected by the particular characteristic.
If you must have an answer, then
1. Getting emails like this
2. Talking in a condescending way
3. Making small talk when I’m busy or in my space
So what I found was that was not an “attack” on me. She did give me some info on what bothers her about me, but what I have read into this (especially the first part) is that she recognizes that she has problems with everyone INCLUDING herself.
It was hard not justifying numbers #2. I don’t feel I am making “small talk” when I talk to her. I am truly interested in what she is doing. And for the first part I wanted to say that this was not about HER, It is about me trying to become a better person………but instead I Just replied “thanks”
So now I can move on with Dare 6. I do feel like I am back on track now.
Later
February 26th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
We did this yesterday - I wanted to skip it but he brought it up at 7:30 am! After he read his I wasn’t shocked I knew them already. As for his I felt that he talked about his ex too often- that’s my big one.
Didn’t see each other the rest of the day, but I did think alot and get mad about one of his, that I talk behind peoples back about what they where and do - Don’t all women comment on peoples clothes? I don’t do it to be mean I do it as a form of conversation - if I wanted to be mean I would tell them what I thought about their clothes….
February 27th, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Today was hard. Since my husband and I are separated I didn’t know how to go about asking him this. I was served with divorce papers this morning but am still hopeful of a restoration with him. So I decided to email him and I didn’t think I would get a response. But I did. And although the words hurt, they were true. His email is as follows:
Well, you are controlling. Its always your way or no way. If I don’t fit in your little box then I’m a horrible person. I always walk on eggshells around you. You’re mean. You’re selfish. You’re fake. You put on a face depending on the people you’re around for whatever reason, I don’t know. Maybe you want sympathy. Maybe you want attention. You care about what other people want or think instead of me. You have always put your wants and needs or that of others in front of mine. You have never shown respect to me as your husband in spite of my shortcomings or mistakes. Anyway…that’s a few that I can think of right now.
At least he responded. Keep praying. I still have hope. Hope that I can change and hope that he will accept my change.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:42 am
[...] Day 5: Love is not rude [...]
March 13th, 2009 at 9:01 am
I am going to see if he wants to go out tonight and maybe see a movie. I’m hoping we can go get coffee afterwards and maybe talk about these in a lighter setting. I don’t know yet
March 17th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I am not sure how to go about this dare since my hubby does not know I am doing the Love dare. I am not sure how in normal course of the day to work in How do Upset or irritate you, without him asking me why I am asking him that. I guess I will try to work on a way and keep reading the journals here to see if anyone else had the same troubles I do.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Well, Day 5 lasted longer than 1 day. Actually, it lasted all weekend and I finally had the nerve to ask him the question late last night while we were laying in bed. He was actually very nice about it and only could tell me two things. The first was what most men complain about and the second was that I always wait to late to clean. I wanted to argue so bad about that one b/c I don’t wait till bed time to clean. I clean when we get home which is usually late. He doesn’t understand that if I don’t do what needs to be done that night that I will have double the next day. I didn’t say anything though and ask him if their was anything else. He was so nice about it and said no. He did ask me why I was asking that. I told him I wanted him to be happy and if I did anything that bothered him, I wanted to do better. He looked a little surprised but just kinda shrugged it off and we fell asleep together.
Though their has not been any big changes so far in our marriage, I have noticed that we are not fussing with one another as much which I guess is a big improvement. I also feel more positive in my day to day activities which has been great and I have noticed I am more positive about the other relationships in my life.
March 18th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Ok well I emailed it to him early yesterday and I never got a responce. I do not know how to ask him about it again as he does not know I am doing the dare and I do not want it to end up being a fight. I know he read the email but not sure why he did not reply. I will give him till this evening to respond and then I will figure out a way to ask him about it.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:41 am
My name is Jessie, I have been trying the love dare for only 5 days and it is extreamly hard!!! I really want my relationship to work, we have 6 kids, today is doing to be rough, even harder than the rest of the 4 days, I don’t take critisism well especially without saying anything back!!! If anyone is reading this that prays, I need prayer, I need prayer for strength, and for hope, and for God to speak to jasons heart. Thank you.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Brokenluvx8, I prayed for you and all those that need it today.
Please pray for me, I’m on day 10, My heart is warm with God, but cold with her.
March 25th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Surprisingly, today was a good day. I was very reluctant to hear what he had to say, but he said he could only think of one thing! I’m a worrier. Big time…I’m always over-analyzing things and re-evaulating way too much. He said the only thing that irritates him, is this. He dislikes it that I worry so much. He’ll mention one thing and here we go, I start evaluating things and next thing you know, I’m questioning everything! I can see where he’s coming from, but then again, I don’t. It’s hard to see things from his point of view, but i’m more than willing to do so. I do worry a lot, but I guess it’s just because I’m scared that we’re going to fall apart. It’s to the point where I worry so much, that I’m pushing him away & I don’t want that at all. Please pray for me to ease my worrisome mind and to let things go. Leave them be! Thank you!
April 20th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
Me and my husband did this and we came up with more then three. I was a little dissapointed when we exchanged and I read his. He could have wrote them better but instead of being nice about it he wrote things like Quit bitching over stupid things and Stop being so needy and expecting him to be up my *** all the time I believe he could have wrote those same things and worded them differently instead of being mean to me about it.
April 21st, 2009 at 1:23 pm
My husband is not someone who spends time on the negative (something I need to model more) so this was hard for him to tell me, but he did come up with three.
1. Don’t interrupt him for things I can do myself when he is busy. (This one was funny to me when he told me because I had just told one of my girlfriends that is one of the things I want to change).
2. When I need something (ie. food when we’re out), have a plan in mind. (I am one of those who gets crabby when they are hungry, but doesn’t know what kind of food she wants-something I know I can work on).
3. If there is a last minute plan change in or out of his control, don’t get agrivated with him. (I have the personality that likes to have plans a certain way & I don’t always react the best when they are changed on me.)
It was very hard not to comment or defend myself, but I bit my tongue (literally) and just took notes.
April 28th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
We went to her nephew’s wedding and we danced the night away at the reception. I asked her on the way home and her first response was “And we were having such a good day” She asked why I wanted to know and I just said that I was just curious. She said that she didn’t want to answer because she felt like it would be picking on me and that I would try to “fix” things. So I told her not to worry about it just let it go, so she let it drop. I’ll try another day.
I read the prayer request response I got from Joyce Meyer Ministries and it basically said that God is speaking to her as I pray for her but that she has free will and can make her own choice and I am to remain open to God as I pray for her because He may have me go one way and then lead me in a totally different direction. I was reading Romans after this and felt that Romans was a confirmation to the feeling I have to lay down The Love Dare for now. That this was me trying to fix my marriage and that I was not letting Him do His work. Also in the movie Fireproof Caleb needed a change of heart and the Dare led him there. God immediately went to work on changing my heart and probably Linda’s too so I am laying the Love dare down for now. I will pick it back up as God leads me to.
May 20th, 2009 at 5:05 am
This is my first post. My wife and I have been separated for a year and three weeks this love dare works but it is not easy either. on the list she wrote down.
This is her list for me
1) you think of just yourself and no one else especially your children.
2) spending money when you don’t have it
3) the mood change or attitude when we are out in public and something makes you mad and you get mad and sometimes cause a seen. Very embarassing
I asked God to help me with these and have apologized for these. I really see how these have hurt my wife. God is making changes happen
May 20th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
I need some advice. I’m approaching Day 5 and it asks me to have my wife to tell me me three things that causes her to be uncomfotable/irritated with me. We are separated and she has contacted an attorney for the initial steps to a divorce. I’m afraid I’m only going to inflame her more. Then again what do I have to lose?????
May 22nd, 2009 at 9:24 am
As I prepare for today’s dare my wife emailed me. Here is a portion of the email.
“…I’m going to try to get to the bank this afternoon to set up a separate checking account. I also have a proposed division of expenses that we need to look over this weekend, but we need to talk about any revisions….”
I had to leave my desk and pray that God would calm my spirit as I can only trust Him to guide me moment by moment through this painful journey. I just don’t understand the hurry to begin the divorce process. I can only submit to God and hope that my wife is seeking his will as well. Pray for us!!!!!
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Wow as I read some of the posts i am realizing how truly blessed I am! I am doing this because I don’t want to go down another divorce road. i am my husband’s third try and he is my second. we have 5 boys between us but no kids with each other.
Today was a weird day. I realized that I seem to justify behavior and say yeah I do but only because you…..Today he only told me two things that I do that bother him and I agree with them both. I do yell to much and I don’t keep the house clean (even tho I work 9hrs a day also). It was hard not to explain to him WHY I don’t or do those things. I just agreed and went on….wow this is going to be harder than I thought!
May 23rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I was dreaded this dare and it took a couple of days to complete due to scheduling difficulties. My wife approached me after I met here when she got off from work and we sat in the car and her response began. She had the sweetest smile and I told her that I’m sure no one had ever had such a sweet disposition concerning the issues at hand. She was curious what prompted this question and I felt that it was best if I came clean about my participation in the Love Dare. Her response was surprising considering that we are separated due to my unfaithfulness.
The answers were:
(1) When I get involved in a task/project I pursue with a passion/focus that excludes everything else and others opinions. It’s my project and my way.
(2) I close myself into a world of my own when I’m home. I go into the bedroom and seldom come out unless I’m going out of the house. When she comes into the room she feels as if she’s on my turf.
(3) Sometimes I talk to her as if she doesn’t have any sense.
I thanked her for her honesty and the spirit in which she responded. We discussed issues pertaining to proceeding with the divorce. She said that she considers our marriage as finished and just wants closure. I tried not to let my hurt show but I did catch a glimpse of how much she is still hurting. I can only pray that I will continue to submit to God’s will in my life and that the Holy Spirit will be able to touch her heart at the appropriate time. God will sustain me regardless of the outcome. I must be faithful. Thank you for your prayers. I have been able to communicate with some great friends and prayer warriors via Facebook and it is amazing the way God has used the technology of this website and Facebook to encourage me. Thank those of you who don’t even know me but are praying just the same. God Bless You!!!!!
May 26th, 2009 at 8:45 am
1. he told me that it irritates him when i bite my nails and push back my cuticles (i understand because it bothers me when he does that too.
2. he hates it that i try to hold conversations with him while he is trying to watch tv. but he added that he could pause the tv when i did have something to ask him or tell him.
3. he hates that i have a brand new car and i dont take care of it like i should. i dont clean it out as often as i should i dont wash it often enough.
Tonight i will pray for these things cause the last thing that i want is to irritate him or do things that he hates when our marriage is so fragile.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
[...] Day 5: Love is not rude [...]
June 7th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
Day 5 - Another dare that needs work, so yesturday I tried to ask her what 3 things she feels realy get under her skin that I do. I told her if the list is longer I will listen but what are the 3 biggest that I have continued to do over the past 3 years. Her answer is “I don’t know I don’t want to talk about it right now”. I explained that this is not a pop! quiz. I wanted her to think about it today and let me know later on if she needed time to find out what are her disappointments in me. The whole day went by and she never wanted to talk about it. When I arrived home she was already in bed but woke up as I came in. I noticed 4 lights where left on in the house, I asked “if before you go to sleep if you could go though the house and shut off lights even if you don’t think that you will be going to bed least do it because you are leaving that room. This will be our first electric bill that we will be paying I reminded her. (Her and I both know that we live pay check to pay check without a penny in savings, so with this new bill that we have no clue what the amount will be its best to keep it low and be surprised “hey that wasn’t that bad” then “what are we going to do?” her responce “Yeah Yeah I know” Thanks to the love this book has shown me I said nothing. we went to bed.
The next day June 7th 2009 (today) I asked again what the three things that bug her are. My plan was to listen and then ask her that today, Sunday we pray together to break these chains. Her reply again was I don’t know I don’t want to talk about it. My next plan was to ask her after church but, it was her turn in the nursery (15 kids or so for 3 hours) she was not happy when she got out. So I was smart enought to not bring it up. I made the suggestion that instead of going out to eat like every Sunday lets invite your sisters over and have a cook out. I’ll help cook I said, so it was a great chicken, salad, rice, and french fry luncin with the family. I had to leave for work at 3 o’clock and with that a change in attitude started to arise maybe she wanted me to stay so we could talk more and she would start to open up. Whatever the reason she was sarcastic. “Yeah, Yeah we know”…”I have to leave to work..Blah Blah Blah” she said - blah blah blah - (I did not type that in because I was not listening or that is was not important those where her words). So today would be my Day 6 and tomorrow would be 7 but its going to have to stay with 5 until I get this right.
June 9th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Day 5 - it has finaly come ( thanks for the advice ) While sitting and eating luch I asked my wife for about the 5th time what are 3 things that really just drive her crazy. Her rely was “I don’t know to be honest I never even gave it thought because you will not change, but I will think about it”. o.k. So lunch is almost over and we have our little 3 yr. old nephew over to play with our child and she love hitting him (not spanking him) but like your grandma would pinch your cheeks sort of thing. Ever since I’ve know her she does this thing smaks them on the shoulder and tell them how cute they are. Sometimes harder then I feel is needed. So I told her did your see his face its not something he enjoys you should tell him your sorry. Thats when it all came out. You know what I hate about you!
“you never let me do what I want to do, that makes me feel good”
” you are always trying to change me into this “perfect person” that I am not and don’t want to be”
“and I don’t like you telling me what to do, or what I need to do”
and a lot more but these where the 3 things that came out first. So now I will go and try to read between the lines to better myself, to help her, to help me, to show her that I do love her. With this on the table its shows a great start of communication which is what I really want.
We did get into some disagreements later that night and I tried to resolve them but it didn’t work. So I just plain out told her. I am sorry for (and I gave her 4 things that I know upset her today each one starting with I am sorry for) I heard it in her voice for the 1st time in a long time a sincere “alright, lets go to sleep know”
Praise God! thank you Lord for I see your work at hand here.
June 10th, 2009 at 7:56 am
Well, it took me till day 7 to do this dare because my wife does not answer my calls, so being face to face with her last night helped. She hesitated when i asked her the 3 things that drive her crazy, then she said ” You never let things be. You always dig, and dig and dig until you make it an issue.” She also told me that” You’re always in a bad mood, and you get mad right away. You’re too irritable.” Lastly, she told me that” i Lie too much”. I knew what was coming at me, so i’ve been working on these issues already. I pray everyday for patience and strength. I’m faithful that god will lead us back to each other.
June 24th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Day 5- Honestly after reading this I didn’t want to do it but I did anyway. The results:
1. He doesn’t like it when I complete his thoughts or sentences as if I know exactly what/how he feels. I knew this was gonna be one and I’m trying to do better.
2. He says that when seeking my thoughts or opinion on different things that he gets uncomfortable because I become over assertive and controlling. I didn’t realize I made him feel this way.
3. He gets irritated when I make decisions that impact our family without consulting him first, the examples given to me were mostly in regards to financial decisions. I saw this one coming too.
4. Yeah, he decided to keep going. He gets irritated/uncomfortable when I get judgemental about myself. That I don’t exude the self confidence I did when we were first married (17yrs ago), that I don’t give my self credit for or take any pride in the things I have accomplished. He feels that I’m unapproachable when I’m in self judgement mode.
I knew this was gonna be hard to hear and to remember to let him voice his thoughts without judgement or justification of my actions. I also had to restrain pen and tongue and not mention the things that he does that irritate/make me uncomfortable and pray that God would reveal those to him when the time is right.
He doesn’t know I’m doing the Love Dare and told me that he didn’t want to tell me negative because he didn’t want me to add that to my list of self judgement. I hope after explaining that he understands that I asked for the purpose of trying to do better for him and our marriage not for self judgement.
I know its only Day 5 but I have learned so much about myself in just this short time and I pray that God will continue to work in me the necessary changes so that I can be an example to him, my girls and anyone that knows our family.
July 10th, 2009 at 9:53 pm
This is the first day I’ve posted because the other days seemed easy compared to this. I am horrible with approaching my husband and we’ve never been good at talking about stuff like this. So I decided to send an email and so far I haven’t gotten a response. I’m not sure what to do now. Should I press it or should I just let it go? He doesn’t usually send me a response to stuff like this. So I guess I’m a little discouraged. I wonder if he will respond at all to this dare. He doesn’t know that I’m doing it and if he did he would think there is a selfish motive behind it. Mayb there is…I want a happy marriage. Last night I realized that sometimes I do things to try and change him and forget to look at my own faults. I think God has been working in me for several a while now. I’ve prayed and prayed but wonder if I’ve really given it to Him. I’m really ready to give it all to Him and I pray He will work in my husband’s heart to restore our relationship, but more importantly my husband’s relationship with Him.
August 21st, 2009 at 3:33 am
well, today it feels like everything came crashing down. My wife came home angry again. I dont know if it is her mindset once she walks in the door, or something stressful at work. Well she came home and the ENTRE house looked like a model home. All laundry was done with the exception of the clothes on our backs. I am not doing these things around the house for praise, but rather to eliminate stress once she gets home and finds an enjoyable home. WELL. within 30 minutes of getting home she tells me that she wants me to leave, AGAIN. (THIRD TIME THIS WEEK) she always ends up allowing me back in the home. This is completely unexpected and I was shocked. She added that she does not like the fact that can not have her friends or family over as I am a loser and a complete embarassment to her. It hurt to hear that, A LOT! She told me to gather my things and GET OUT. My kids were right there as she was saying this. I reminded her of this fact and she didnt care. Keep in mind that she exagerated and fabricated details of disagrements of arguements we have had in the past and took out a restraining order (which is something she stated she would file to have removed when we agreed to have me come back in the home) she tells me that if i dont get out immediatley, she will call the police. ALL OF THIS COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED. I am so fearful that this love dare has come to an end and without me wanting it to end. I got a hold of a friend and got a ride to a relative’s home. It is completely embarassing and humiliating to be “kicked out” for the 3rd time and for no reason at all. I feel my wife is completely confused about what she wants or is being influenced by friends who she feels she needs to “impress” at the expense of my family’s happyness and success. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray for my wife and children as I continue to pray to the Lord. I realize there is nothing more that I can do, i have attempted everything I am able to do . I put this situation in the hands of the lord and pray for his blessing on to this family.
September 1st, 2009 at 4:47 pm
So today I am dealing with allowing my mouth to be shut and letting her talk freely without prejiduce and/or persecution for what she is feeling. I sent her a text this morning to ask her to come up with the three things. She said today that she has to think about it. I am writing this out so I can watch my tongue and remember day 1. My first response is usually defending my position and not really hearing what she is saying. I tend to come up with my response in my head and I stop listening to her because I am coming up with a response or I am thinking about my approach. I really need prayer for tonight as we have plans in going through things together. On a side note, she does not know I am doing the Love Dare, she knows we have the book, but I don’t think she notices that it is not on the book shelf anymore.
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Ok, so last night I got the three things.
1. Saying that I am going to do something and I don’t follow through.
2. Talking to friends and family about things that are private and feeling embarressed when number 1 happens and they come to her about the things I said, not me.
3. I am more interested in my blackberry then her. She said I am addicted to it.
I just sat there and listened. She isn’t on to me yet about the Love Dare, but she is asking questions on to why my behavior has changed. Our 17 year anniversary is this Saturday, so I am gonna do something light and take her to the beach for a picnic at sunset and just sit and talk with her.
September 8th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
i had a great time w/ my husband yesterday @ the beach playing in the ocean like the good old dating times. we haven’t touched skin like that in months; he was happy and i was too. our children were happy,……thank goodness for the changes that happen in our hearts. i cont to pray that God will lead my husband back home and that my husband will choose to lead his heart to love as i do. this love dare has really made a BIG HUGE difference in my heart and life. i must admit that i thought i knew how to love before, but it was all wrong.the love dare is teaching me how to be kind, patient, thougthful, selfless, etc, etc. i hope i can do all the dares in this book given our living situations. prayer and faith will change that.
today i left my husband a note to tell me the 3 things. i also wrote a note to encourage him today in his job. i want with all my heart to love him and want him to feel loved by me without a doubt because what i’m doing is sincere and it is changing me so i can love myself as well as loving him and our children. what a pleasant and challenging journey!!
October 9th, 2009 at 7:50 am
This wasn’t as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Jason and I are very open with one another.. him more than I. But I always know I can rely on him to give me a straight forward answer. He’s not very critical, he never hurts me too much. Sometimes I wish he would soften the blow of his words… but I know it’s better for me to just hear it instead of candy coating it. Here are my weaknesses:
~I need to stop worrying so much.
~I need to stop allowing Robert to walk on me (my daughters biological father).
~And to stop asking him the same question over and over again.
I tend to ask him something as simple as, ‘what do you want to eat for dinner’ he’ll say something like ‘Zaxby’s’ and I’ll ask him a million times “Are you sure?” I don’t know why I do that, I suppose I’m afraid of getting the wrong thing.. or not doing something to meet his standards. I never want to disappoint him, but by me being like that I end up getting on his nerves and disappointing him in the long run. I have to be more patient. And understand that he won’t tell me something, no matter what it is, unless he absolutely means it.
October 10th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
I texted him the request to think of and name the 3 things. That night at the soccer game he still had not come up with anything. So I asked him to please think of them. I promised not to get mad or start a fight. Finally that night he sat down and wrote: 1. Anger 2. closed-mindedness 3. temper. The hardest part of this dare was not to ask him for the 3 things. I know I’m full of faults. The hardest part was not defending myself. But we did it & I pray for continued strength.
October 19th, 2009 at 5:45 am
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October 20th, 2009 at 7:26 am
[...] Day 5: Love is not rude [...]