a work in progress

“Love is a choice, not a feeling. It is an initiated action…” This has actually been my motto for quite a while, but it took today’s dare to show me that I may talk the talk, but have not been walking the walk. Hubby got mad because I had to go back to work this evening, and he was stuck with the kids when all he really wanted to do was relax. While I can understand his frustration, I feel that he doesn’t understand mine. I am a nurse, and I am on-call every third week, for a week at a time. When I took this job 2 years ago, it was with the understanding that I would have to go out and see patients after hours sometimes. I made sure he was okay with that. But lately when I do have to go out on call, he gets mad, and I understand that. But he doesn’t understand that I want to be at home, but at the same time, this is my job, and he agreed to it. Because I work for Hospice, there is this need for me to give emotionally to my patients and their families; it is a fine balance for me to know just how much to give emotionally to them, to make sure I am not emotionally exhausted at home. Anyway, he got mad, and just like always, I got mad right back. He was yelling at me, I was yelling right back, my stupid pride was hurt, “Oh no, HE is not going to treat ME like that!” As soon as I got in the car I realized my error. Shouldn’t I have learned this already? I know that I am called to love him, even when he is unlovable. I know it before hand, I know it afterward, but right there in the middle seems to be my problem. I can not seem to keep my own pride and anger under control when under pressure. What I should have done was get out of the car and come in and tell him I was sorry. I wish I could say I did that, but I didn’t. Why not? More foolish pride I suppose.

My patient died tonight, and I spent 2 hrs with her and the family. She died with a smile on her face, secure in her eternal destination, her daughter was actually reading the Bible to her when she passed. It was a really great experience to witness. When I left, I was driving away, and I could feel the Holy Spirit with me, and I am sure that the Lord said to me, “Well done.” It was as if I could feel the Lord hugging me, as if that makes sense. It was a very humbling experience. And so there it is, God loving me, even when I don’t deserve it, due to the way I treated my husband this evening. He is so amazing. It is obvious to me that I can not do this alone, I can not control my anger when Hubbie is making me angry. So since I can not do it, today I am making this goal: Whenever I feel myself getting angry, I will immediately stop what I am doing and pray. Because I now know that I can not do this alone.

Today Jesus has shown me that I am loved and that He loves me even though I am unworthy of his love. How great is His love that while I was yet a sinner he gave his life for me? How can I even fathom the depths of His love? It is beyond wonderful to know without a doubt that I am saved. To never again have to wonder if I am good enough. The answer is clear, “No, I am not”. He is so good that He will accept me despite my faults. Surely if Jesus can accept me and love me, with all my sin, I can love my husband even with his faults. Even with his sins. Jesus CHOSE to die for me, and today I CHOOSE to love my husband, no matter the cost, no matter the sacrifices that I will have to make.  Now the problem is that the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. How do I overcome my own selfish need to be loved and to focus on my need to love my husband? Only through the grace of God, I am sure.

Love IS impossible! Today I have felt it. When I started this, maybe I thought it was going to be a quick fix. Boy was I wrong. My husband and I started this love dare together, and the last I heard he’s still on day 5. For a while I was really hurt, and I guess I kept going thinking, “I’ll show him” like it’s some kind of contest or something. That’s exactly what love isn’t. Maybe its impossible for us to do it together. So, I have been just going through the motions I guess. Exactly like Kirk Cameron in the movie. Going about my day as usual, doing the dare and not thinking much more about it.  But today’s dare really struck home and reached my heart. I realized that this dare is not only about my husband and the promise I made to him, it is about the promise I made to God. So doing things just because the book tells me to is not going to work. I’m going to have try harder, really dig in and deal with the meaning of each dare, individually. Today I got down on my knees and prayed for the first time in a long time, and I just wept in the presence of the Lord. For a long time there were no words I could even say, I just let God minister to my spirit, and it was really powerful. He knows what we need before we even ask for it, isn’t God amazing?

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