A Committed Husband

Dare: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together. Talk about the best time to do this, whether it’s in the morning, your lunch hour, or before bedtime. Use this time to commit your concerns, disagreements, and needs before the Lord. Don’t forget to thank Him for His provision and blessing. Even if your spouse refuses to do this, resolve to spend this daily time in prayer yourself.

What can you do to help your mate be willing for the two of you to begin praying together? If you agreed to pray together, what was it like? What did you learn from it?

Christine and I have been praying together every single night for years. It’s something that often feels unnecessary at the time, but I believe it has been a very good thing for our marriage. Especially when we’re fighting about something, praying together invariably reminds us that we have a good marriage with lots of love and we will always work something out. I love that my wife is so willing to work at keeping God in the center of our marriage and family.

Dare: Commit to reading the Bible every day. Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance. If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you. Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.

What parts of your life are in the greatest need of God’s counsel? Where do you feel the most susceptible to failure? What are you asking God to show you through His Word?

It has been quite some time since I regularly read the Word of God (other than just a chapter in Proverbs each day). I did not ask Christine to start reading the Bible together with me because, quite honestly, I am not convinced that it will be better for us than reading some of a relationship book together each day. I do, however, think it would be a good idea for us to do some sort of devotional quiet time each and every day (and keep each other accountable to it), and that is something I plan to discuss with her soon. I think she is pretty good with it already, but it will probably help if I ask her about it or something. I’m not sure. I’ll have to see what she says.

Dare: Find a marriage mentor-someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and loving with you. If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment. During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.

Who did you choose? Why did you select this person? What do you hope to learn from them?

Well, I have been meeting on a fairly regular basis with Davey, and an irregular basis with Robbie and Jacob about this same thing. I am interested in talking to Levi as well because I think he may have great insight into deeper marriage issues than the others. But I suppose if I’m not already meeting enough with the other three, why add another person? I hope to become a better and better husband each day.

Dare: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way. Verbally commend them for this at some point today.

What example did you choose to recognize? How many other ways could you celebrate their growth in godliness? How could you encourage them to persevere in it?

Christine apologized recently for a recent time that she spoke shortly to me. I had not given the incident any further thought, but it was so meaningful to me to have her apologize for it anyway. She is quick to humble herself at times like that, and I told her how much that means to me. It’s that kind of humility that just makes my heart swell with affection for my incredible wife.

Dare: Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success. Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel. If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you.

What are some upcoming decisions you can make together? What did you learn today about the role of your mate?

I told my wife that I greatly value the differences between the two of us. I told her that I am very appreciative of the fact that she adds a necessary balance to our relationship. She has been right on the money in many decisions that we have made together. I am so glad that I have her insight because she sees the intangible things about people and situations that are hard to pin down. Women in general are gifted in this way, and I am very thankful to God for that. I pray that she never feels that her opinion or input is disregarded. I would be doing both of us a great disservice to let that happen.

Dare: If at all possible, try to initiate sex with your husband or wife today. Do this in a way that honors what your spouse has told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually. Ask God to make this enjoyable for both of you as well as a path to greater intimacy.

Was this a satisfying experience for you? If it didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, what do you think is complicating matters? Have you committed this to prayer? If it was a true blessing for both of you, what can you learn from this for the future?

Well, I wish I could say that this was an immensely satisfying experience for both of us, but the timing is all wrong right now. Christine is 6-months pregnant, and as such her libido is very low. Things that used to excite her now agitate her. The most loving thing I can do is to give her non-sexual touches so that’s what I’m working on doing more of.

Dare: Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship.

Has this been a hard thing for you to deal with? How has it affected your relationship? If the worse offender in this area is your spouse (with your in-laws), how can you lovingly move this toward a better situation?

I am immensely thankful that this hasn’t been an issue thus far in our marriage. My wife’s family gives her plenty of space (too much, if anything). My family has been very respectful about the decisions that we have made, and we have each gotten along well with each other’s family.

Dare: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it. Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse. Pray that He would do the same for them. And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.

Did the Lord open your eyes to anything new that might be giving fuel to this point of disagreement? How do you intend to respond? What do you hope to see God do in your spouse as well?

This dare was very effective for our marriage. I spoke with Christine about a point of conflict between us. I have been insensitive to her feelings sometimes when we have company over. I get so caught up in the joy of fun activities that I haven’t made a habit out of getting her alone to determine what her wishes are for our time. This was a good conversation as it helped me to see that she feels a bit left out when I have my close friends over and don’t consult her about it. We discussed this freely and openly and developed what I consider to be a very fair strategy for future occurrences like these so that she doesn’t feel this way next time. In fact, shortly after our conversation, my brother came over to hang out. I pulled Christine aside to talk with her privately about her expectations, and the night went wonderfully without any uncertainty or hurt feelings. I am so glad my wife speaks with me so well about stuff like this. I am unfairly blessed to have her as my life partner.

Dare: Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs. Whether it comes easy for you or not, say “I love you,” then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person-unconditionally, the way He loves both of you.

How will this change of motivation affect your relationship and reactions? What does this inspire you to do? What does it inspire you to stop doing?

My loving actions need to not be tied in any way to her actions. I am thankful that Christine is so easy to love, but how much of my love has been dependent on that? I have not been tested in this very much, but I am committing today to show affection and attention to Christine no matter what she says or does in return. Specifically, I will try to do a little cleaning up each day even when not asked to do so. I will set a reminder alert on my computer so that I (hopefully) won’t forget. I also sent a text message to my brother (and very close friend) asking him to keep me accountable-while my wife and I are on vacation with them-to spend more time with Christine than I do with anyone else. She needs to know that she is still #1 in my life. I’m embarrassed to say I’m not sure that she feels this way at the current moment.

Dare: What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse’s life right now? Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

How much of your mate’s stress is caused by your lack of concern or initiative? When you expressed a desire to help, how did they receive it? Are there other needs you could meet?

I thought that the text in the book today was brilliant. As I perceive my wife’s needs, she is crying out for more of my attention and affection. I frequently schedule my lunch hour to meet with Levi or Davey or Mark, but I even though I meet with Christine and the kids often, it’s not often scheduled. In a sense, it’s as though they get the leftover time. I feel convicted by that because I never want my family to feel that my time with them is only when I don’t have other things going on. It isn’t right that they should get the leftover time. They should get first pick. This isn’t what one would call a “big sacrifice,” but I will let Christine know that she can determine which day she wants to have lunch with me each week, and I’ll make the other appointments work around that. Beyond that, I will do my best to be at home with her on my off days instead of immediately scheduling other things to do when I have free time. My wife and my family come first.