giving it all to you–my love dare surrender

Well folks, the enemy is definately on the attack…seeking to destroy our marriages…taking every opportunity to tear us further away from our spouses.

Things have been going pretty well this past week…I should have expected that there would be a confrontation around the corner.  I have tried to remain hopeful and optimistic that we will eventually stop giving in to these opportunities to nip at one another…we’re not there yet.

This morning my spouse said that he wanted his Mother to come out and stay with us for a few weeks.  The history here is that he has run to his parents our entire marriage to grip and complain about me…it has made it very easy for them to be angry with me and justify my spouse’s actions.  (in our counseling session last week, the counselor told him very directly that he has to stop calling his parents and ‘venting’…that is off limits and that he is damaging the relationship everytime he does) This in addition to she would be coming to help with the business. (his Mom and Dad came to live with him the year we were separated and helped him with his business…it was a wonderful gesture and I know if was extremely helpful to him) I have been trying so desperately to help him every way I can…offering several times…”let me know what I can do to help…anything at all”.  Yesterday I took a long lunch at work to go to the office and help for a couple hours.  I have been doing all the drop offs and pick ups of the kids at school which cuts into my work time too.  With the impending layoffs ahead from my office I need to play it safe but at the same time I want to show my husband that I am committed to this relationship and to helping him however I can.  It just felt like a kick in the teeth.  I wish that he cherished me the way he does his Mom and Dad. 

Once this morning, during the “discussion”, I said, “I just don’t think our relationship is at a place to introduce something else right now…our relationship is still in a fragile place.”.  He firmly disagreed with me and said that it was just my lack of committment that was fragile.  I tried to explain my point by saying that, aside from our committment to the Lord, “OUR relationship” should be a first priority.  He responded, “its ONE of my priorities”.  I’m so disappointed, hurt and frustrated right now.  What is it going to take for “US” to be a priority to him????  Everything else always comes first.  When we first got back together I repeatedly asked that he block out some time for us to have a date every week…something that wouldn’t be cancelled due to a customer appt, etc.  That has not happened!  He refuses to set a date that is set in stone and not to be scheduled over…if a customer needs him then he cancels our date.  Don’t get me wrong, we’ve gone on a few dates but haven’t once been able to set a weekly standing date that doesn’t get overridden by someone/something else. 

Please pray for me…for our marriage.

I’ve completed the first week of the Love Dare.  Surprisingly, it was easier than I expected.  I have to admit…I scanned through the dares when I picked up the book so I already know that its going to get tougher.  The big thing I learned this week is the “basics”.  The basics of just good communication, thoughtfulness, respect and selflessness.  Over the years I’ve created a pretty thick shell to ward off the attacks my spouse has launched on me.  While I thought I was protecting myself…I was, in fact, disabling myself.  I realized this week that I have grown numb.  That thick shell that has protected me (so that all the mean words and disappointments could just “roll off my back” so to speak) was also keeping me from responding to my spouse in the manner that I should.  This week I found how easy it is to just be kind, thoughtful, generous, etc. to my spouse.  I’ve always found these to be easy things to display to others in my life…I just withheld them from my spouse routinely because I felt justified that he didn’t deserve my gentleness…it seemed my attempts were always stomped on, mocked, rejected or ignorned all together.  Why would I waste these gestures on him when I know they’ll just be rejected?  Notice how I didn’t immediately include patience above…lol…I think there is a reason that both the book and the bible verse start out with “Love is Patient”….this is a big one and one that I personally need to work on daily.  The first day I was working on patience…well, it was sort of comical.  I really had to “try”.  You know how body language sometimes give our true thoughts away?  Well, the first couple of days it worked out that my spouse and I were on two totally different schedules and most of our conversations were via phone.  Good thing too since he probably would have picked up on my body language that I was really having to “try” to be patient.  It was a blessing for me though…it gave me a couple of days to ease into this Love Dare and really come to grips with the reality that my decision to do this dare is going to be a life-long committment.    My spouse did pick up pretty quickly that I was really “trying”.  (BTW:  not sure if I mentioned earlier…he has no idea that I’m doing this Love Dare.)  He has made several comments this week about how thoughtful I’ve been and how much it meant to him that I helped him with some of his work (he owns his own company).  Once, he even leaned over to me and said “you know, I really like what we’ve got going lately”!!!!!!  I mentioned before the “shell” I had on to protect me.  Well, it was keeping my true intentions from showing through to my husband.  Inside, I was “trying” but he couldn’t see if due to the shell covering me.  Imagine this.  Here I am wearing my protective gear…kevlar helment (to keep him from messing with my head), one of those really thick neck braces (to protect myself when he goes for the jugular), a flack vest (obvious protection for my heart and soul when I’m really in the firing line), football type pads (good for overall general protection when expecting to be tackled or bowled over, especially helpful when hit with a low-blow), crutches (this is essential!!  necessary to help keep my footing should my spouse come and try to cut my legs out from underneath me), combat type boots, though stylish yet functional (for marching through all the crud), a huge Army type ruck sack/backpack (perfect for carrying around years of baggage that I can’t bear to let go of…also very good in case my spouse tries to “stab me in the back”…so to speak) and of course, boxing gloves (have to be on the defensive at all times and ready to fight back)…OH…almost forgot, my special glasses/shades (necessary to keep my spouse from seeing the pain and dissappointment in my eyes and also somehow gives me the ability to have this xray type vision so I can read his mind).  Okay…I know…that was a bit much, but I think you get my point.  How in the world do I expect my spouse to see my true heart, much less receive love and affection from me when I’m wearing this armour/shell around…not exactly the vision of warm and fuzzy.  BTW:  probably worth mentioning that all that gear…its a pretty heavy load to lug around.  So, my point is…I’m really trying to break down that shell I’ve had an truely be more vulnerable.  I realize that I am making myself susceptable to an attack from my spouse here and there, but I don’t see how this Love Dare will ever work until I break down the wall that is keeping him from seeing that I really do want our marriage to work and I’m willing to work (really work) on it. 

We had our rough patches this week too.  We had a counseling appt mid-week.  I was getting really discouraged during the counseling session because I felt like all the progress was being undone…feeling like why did I even try this Love Dare thing? …he’s just shooting arrows at me, point fingers, laying blame, etc, etc.  But you know what…I just praise God for the counselor we have, she is such a Godly woman!!!  She was able to diffuse a couple of situations, give us some REAL practical ways to approach the topics/situations and challenged us both with some “homework”.  She’s very good at encouraging us to own each of our own contributions to this broken relationship.  After the session, I fully expected to get bombarded by my spouse.  You know what though, he didn’t.  Rather, he said, can I ask you a question?  His question was, “sometimes I make jokes and laugh about the circumstances…that’s not really helping is it?”.  I was really taken back…I paused and replied…”no, it doesn’t really help when you respond that way”.  That was it…no arguments, no blame game…ahhhh!  Could it be possible that just by simply following some of the simple principles in this weeks’ dares that he felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me and ask that question?  In that question he was taking ownership, diffusing a tense situation, AND (I’m assuming) coming up with an action plan for the future that doesn’t include that usual response (laughing and mocking at me).  I know it was GOD that is doing the work…in BOTH of us.  Even after such a draining counseling session I was infused with hope just by him simply asking that question.

Every time this week I’ve completed my dare/task, he has noticed.  Maybe not immediately, but at some point he did.  We were able to spend several hours together Saturday night.  This was the night I asked him to list three things I do that irritate him.  He initally didn’t want to answer the question, I could tell he was afraid it would turn into an arrgument and neither of us wanted to ruin the pleasant time we were having.  I assured him I just wanted to hear his heart…there would be not retaliation or other remarks.  He still responded with “you don’t really do anything that irritates me”.  So, instead I started asking some questions…much like he did the day after our counseling session.  It went sort of like this…”does it irritate you that my side of the sink is messier than yours”?…we both laughed and he said, “well, yeah it does”.  We went on for a few minutes and in the end I found a few areas that I could give a little more effort in and we accomplished it without an arrugment or blame game. 

After the first week and am really encouraged.  I still need your prayers…our schedules are about to get extremely difficult.  I’m about to be laid off and his business is absolutely crazy during the months of November and December.  Pray that I will be diligent in doing my Love Dares and that I can help my husband in whatever way possible to alleviate the stress of all the work coming his way in the next few weeks.  Please pray for my job situation.  I honestly think that my not working would be the best for our marriage and family but we need a HUGE income boost from my husband’s business for that to happen.  I’m believing God for it though!!

Sunday night, 10/12/08…just got home from watching the Fireproof movie with my husband.  Our marriage has been strained since the beginning but we managed to stick it out for over 16 years.  More than 1.5 yrs ago my husband left for what I thought would be the “last” time…we’d gone down that road many times over the years but this time he didn’t come back after a few days or a couple of weeks…he was gone for over a year.  This past June we found ourselves in a place of looking at and treating one another with more tenderness.  One Saturday evening my husband was dropping the kids off as scheduled when our eyes caught one another and something happened.  That glance led to several hours of conversation on the front porch where we both decided that we were ready to fight for our marriage.  We anxiously shared the transformation with our pastor at church and the news caught like wildfire through the church…the prayer warriors that had been so faithful in praying for us were in tears of joy and rejoicing.  I wish I could say that is where we are today…but its not…not even close.  That overwhelming joy didn’t even last 24 hours, by the late afternoon we had already hit a huge roadbump but recovered quickly and remained committed to putting our marriage (and family…4 kids, 18, 16, 13, 10) back together.  Over the next two to three weeks it was like a wonderful honeymoon period…a few little hickups here and there, but we were both able to overlook those things and stay the course…it was about this time that he moved back into the house.  At first things were tenative but optimistic and hopeful.  The kids actually didn’t take the news like we had hoped….all but the youngest thought we should just leave things as they were and continue to live in peace under two separate roofs…it broke my heart when my 13 year old daughter broken into uncontrollable tears when we told her…the only words I could understand as I held her was “I just don’t want to get hurt again”.  MAN!  If that’s not motivation for you I don’t know what is!  The week of July 14th we took a four day getaway together to celebrate our wedding anniversay on the 15th.  It was an absolutely beautiful day…perfect…absolutely perfect!!!  The second day of the trip however, things took a turn for the worse.  We were on a 5-6 hour drive to our next destination…a couple of words here and there turned into one of the worst arguments I can recall us having.  I felt completely helpless, embarrassed, hopeless and STUCK!  Yes, stuck!  I felt so stupid for falling for his tricks again.  The last three months have been nearly unbearable.  I’ve been so depressed and began to withdraw from my friends, family and activities.  I was just feeding the “cycle” (as we like to call it)…he verbally bashes me–I ignore it until I finally snap back at him–when i snap back he takes a “low blow” and I completely retreat and withdraw–tension and hostility begin to take over and long gone are the gentle “good mornings” or “have a nice day”.  I reached a point about two weeks ago where a Godly female friend of mine took me on a hike and really helped me come to grips with some things.  I went home, laid out my intentions to my husband and said…its up to you to jump in this battle with me…I’m moving forward on my growth in the Lord with or without you. (it was a long conversation and I may share more of it with you later…the important thing is that it was a big turning point for me)  See, I had withdrawn so much that I had not only cut my family, friends, co workers, activities, etc out of my life…but I had also withdrawn from God.  I was in a place of complete numbness.  I “seemed” okay…at least to people that didn’t know me very well, reserved maybe, but okay.  However, my close friends could see that I was a shattered person…I had allowed my foundation to be shaken…I had lost sight that no matter what happens between me and my husband, GOD IS ENOUGH!  He will be enough for us as individuals and enough for our family even if our marriage doesn’t survive.  Of course the point was and is for our marriage to be rebuilt and thrive…but I had to start letting God work on ME…the individual again.  So, that’s where I’m at today.  I saw the movie…it was the motivation to get me to seek out the Love Dare book and this blogging site.  Tomorrow, I’m going to the bookstore…buying the Love Dare Book and for the first time (ever!!  and I do mean ever!!  i’ve never even journaled on paper) in my life, I’m going to journal through this process.  If you’re reading this and your marriage is struggling…know this, I am praying for you…eventhough I don’t know who you are I am lifting up broken and battered marriages everyday…standing in the gap for my marriage/family and yours…I’m giving it all to YOU LORD!!!