Giving It Everything I Got

I stand here today, and I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a deep forest.  On each side is a clearing, far and wide as the eyes can see.  I look behind me, at one of the clearings, and it represents the past.  With its lack of trees and vegetation, I can see the past for what it is.  Hurtful.  Angry.  Depressing.  The clearing on the other side, I can’t see it - I don’t know what’s there - but I know there’s a future there for both of us.  The forest though, that’s today.  And because I, no WE, have to get through today, before we can begin our future, we go, hand in hand through the forest. 

You don’t know what it means to me to type that last sentence.  Two months ago, I just KNEW I’d be here one day.  And I started my Love Dare journey.  Two weeks ago, I took the first steps to throwing in the towel and no longer confident that I would be going through the forest to the future with my teammate holding my hand.  And today, I’m here.  Every day, reconnecting with my husband a little more, seeing the smile return to his face, and the laughter return to his eyes - amazing!  Feeling his touch again at night…no longer afraid to sleep anywhere but the very corner of the bed - phenomenal!  Seeing him open up to me more and more, as he continues to learn to trust me again - I can only throw my hands up to God and give Him thanks!   

But, I still look back at the past.  We are still discovering little things that I do, that are from the past.  For example, last night, he was talking about our car-pooling to and from work.  He was quiet for a few moments, and I was gone…completely lost in my own thoughts…completely and utterly tuning him out.  So when he started to speak again, I missed the first sentence.  Because I can look at the past objectively, I know this is a habit formed in response to being alone (due to work/school schedules) and in response to being frustrated and angry.  But - because I CAN look at the past, I can make myself aware, and do everything I can to break that habit!   

I look at the past because I DON’T want to go back there.  I keep my eye on the past, as we go to the future, so I can remember the patterns that pushed me to the edge of losing it all.  I don’t want to repeat history, so I keep one eye on it, so I can recognize those behaviors immediately, all the while, keeping an eye out for the future. 

Today is a forest.  It’s unclear.  There are still creeks (no longer rivers!), fallen trees, and random limbs to cross, crawl over, and maneuver around.  We’re not THERE, not just yet.  We’re close, I can feel it.  We’ve come so far, yet so far to go.  But I know we’re going to get there!  And one day, we’ll step out of this forest, and go into the clearing of the future J  And I’m looking forward to the journey every step of the way!!! 

My Love Dare journey is far from over.  I have only 7 more days left in my first round of 40.  And then, to start it all over again.  Because the Love Dare ISN’T just about 40 days.  It’s about the rest of your life. Learning how to love your mate every, single, day.   And, even though I’m confident about our future, there’s going to come a time where it’s not so good again.  I’m going to make a mistake, or he will - because we’re not perfect.  But, with faith in the Lord, and trust in my husband - we ARE going to make it through.  One Day at a Time. 

Thank you Love Darers for letting me share my story.  No, this isn’t the end - I will continue to update.  And I will continue to pray for your families, rejoice in your successes and weep at your heartache.  To my LD e-penpals - please keep in touch with me, you’ve become such an important part of my journey!  However, I have found a new focus.  The future.  So, my updates may not be as frequent, and may stop off and on.  But, as always, I’ll be here!  Be blessed! 

Your Sister in Christ,

Amy

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 27th, 2009 at 11:07 am and is filed under Uncategorized and. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.