Giving It Everything I Got

Somewhere along the line I got off track with my journaling.  I was reading my dares, and I was DOING them (the most important part, obviously), maybe not always in the right order, and maybe a little scatter brained, but that has been my past few days.  NOTHING is in the right order, and my entire life is feeling a little, ummm, alot scatter brained. 

Please bear with me on this post.  I feel the need to vent, scream, cry, yell, purge.  I have had a complete roller coaster weekend/week/2 weeks/6 months and it’s going to take some time to get it all out. Hopefully, by the time I wrap this entry up, we’ll all feel better.  I know I’m starting to J

Three weeks ago, I used my husband’s cell phone to take a picture to send to myself, when I did, I noticed a girl’s name that I hadn’t heard before.  I didn’t think much of it because he works w/so many people, it could be work related.  I asked, he said she was a friend, I said ok, and thought nothing more of it.  So, last week I was looking at our cell phone account and noticed a HUGE amount of text messages between him and a number I didn’t recognize.  So, I called the number, it was hers.  We went through this a few months ago, and I thought we were on the same page.  Apparently I was wrong. 

I looked at the times, dates and it appeared that if at ANY time I wasn’t around, he was texting or talking to this girl.  I stepped out to go to the grocery store – BAM!  Text messages.  I go to my part time job, they talk for 30, 45, 55, 65 minutes – they talk until I call to tell him I’m on my way home. 

Ironically, the girl in the situation 6 months ago was a mutual friend of ours, and it was her that I turned to the night I discovered I was back in the same boat.  I called her, in tears, and first wanting to lash out at her because she convinced my husband that this was acceptable behavior back when it was her.  But, I didn’t.  I cried.  I asked for her help because I know NOW that she holds my marriage sacred, and 99.99% of the time we are in agreement on issues.  She was stunned.  She talked me through it.  And I tried.  I tried so hard not to be angry, and not to let negative thoughts consume me.  That night I asked him about her, about his friendship with her, and he just said “she’s just a friend”.  So – I let it go.  I decided to trust him.

The first weekend of the month we have his daughter for the full weekend.  So, I knew that nothing else would be said until after she left, because we do try hard to keep her from all of our problems.  Friday night she had a friend spend the night.  I was pretty down and upset, so I tried to “piddle” around the house so I could appear busy but stay away from everyone.  This seemed to upset him.  So, I went in and watched the movie with them.  Which appeased him for the time being.

Saturday morning we got up, I fixed him and the kids breakfast.  While they ate, I went and cleaned out my car for a small road trip.  Of course, when I checked the cell phone records later the second I left until the second I came back he was texting her.  So much for trusting him, huh?  We spent the day with friends at a park in our area, and had a really good day.  Once we got home that afternoon I laid down to take a nap, and he re-arranged the furniture in the living room.  I was estatic because it looked great!  I really don’t remember too much of Saturday night – I know I couldn’t sleep.  I think I finally went to bed around 6am. 

Sunday morning, he asked what was wrong.  This was where the bottom fell out for both of us.  Even though I wasn’t my best, I tried so hard that weekend to think positive, not focus on the negative.  I was still keeping with my plan to make sure we had good meals every night, and not rely on him to take care of everything.  When he asked what was wrong, my response was that I felt like he was already gone.  He told me he was.  That he had been trying to leave for 6 months, and that he was waiting for the first of the year.  This is where I fell apart.  We talked, and I honestly don’t remember much of that conversation other than there being a lot of hurt and tears.  He had planned on working out in the yard Sunday, and I was going to spend time with his daughter.  I told him I needed to get out for a little while, and could he hold off on the grass until tomorrow.  So, I went to the restaurant where my friend is a server (the one I mentioned earlier) and talked to her.  Although I spent most of that morning coming apart at the seams, talking to her helped.  I left there with a renewed spirit, still very sad, but a little more hopeful. 

One of the issues I know my husband has had with me is my controlling nature.  My “checking up” on him.  I always justified it with the knowledge that every time I checked up on him, I FOUND something that was a little off.  But I also know that my control issues, and my distrust are killing my marriage.  So – I took a few steps on that.  I got rid of my Facebook page, first.  This keeps me from keeping “tabs” on him through Facebook, although, I can honestly say I didn’t do that too much.  Just when I was suspicious of something.  I also emailed my friend and asked her to change my password for my cell phone account.  My husband can still log in using his, I just can’t go in and check up on him using mine.  My hope and my prayer is that by doing this he will see I’m trying so hard to let go of the control, and am trying to trust him.

Somewhere in all of this, I was actually able to do the dares.  I burned the negative things, I’ve tried to praise him for the positives.  I just sent him (while I’ve been writing this) an email asking about the 3 things that irritate him about me, and he gave me 2, my control issues, and the lack of concern about some health issues.  Ironically, this morning, when I got to work, I made a phone call about one of the health issues, and that is in the works. 

Several times over the past few days, I’ve been reduced to my knees, praying, please Lord, please let him see that I want to give him what he needs, and be the wife that he wants and deserves.  Please let his heart be softened too me, and please draw us closer together.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 9th, 2009 at 9:13 am and is filed under Uncategorized and tagged Day 5, Day 6, Day 7, Day 8. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.