twenty years

This has been one of the most difficult dares, by far. First, I needed to get in the right frame of mind to realize that I was failing miserably at keeping Stacey’s secrets.

Ever since this ordeal started, back in June, I have been talking to others. In an effort to find answers and in an attempt to get guidance. I have confided in our friends and family. Not realizing that Stacey was NOT comfortable with friends and family sorting through our “dirty laundry”.

I have learned to lay all of my concerns, worries, and need for answers at God’s feet. He will give me the answers that HE feels that I need, and wash away all of the other worries.

Stacey deserves a husband that loves her unconditionally, guards her secrets fervently, and places her concerns before my own. I thank GOD for allowing me to be the man that she needs me to be.

Really this is more of a Sunday update, since once again I was working Saturday (during the day shift this time).

Sunday morning I took all of the kids to church with me, Stacey was still sleeping, as she has not felt the need for attending our worship service. I on the other hand felt a true desire to be there, after missing last Sunday.When we arrived at home Stacey was awake, and on the computer, playing facebook games…

Dad made his “world famous” sausage gravy n’ biscuits. Then Stacey took it upon herself to start cleaning up around the house. She even sweet talked the boys into helping. I stood back for a few minutes, and watched a little bit of the old Stacey starting to emerge.

We talked about having a home cooked meal for dinner, but instead settled on ordering pizza. It really was starting to feel a lot like the way things used to be.

Stacey has been turning in at about 10pm every night when the boys go to bed. Tonight was different, the boys went to bed as usual, but Stacey came and sat down on the other end of the couch. We shared a can of cashews, as we watched the Colts football game. She seemed to be making an effort to spend time with me, just me. I explained parts of the game to her, since she was very inquisitive. We even talked trough the halftime. It was soo nice to just connect again, with no stress.

Thank you Jesus, for those special moments this weekend.

I’ll place these in my heart and carry them with me.

I have been stuck on dare16 for over a week. It is the one about praying for your spouse. I’ve come to realize that I am not really stuck on dare 16 as much a I’m avoiding dares 17 & 18.

Dare 17 is about protecting your spouses secrects (no problem) and talking to them about it (big problem) so that they will feel safe. We are just now begining to talk about things and some days it is touch and go. I am always afaid of saying the wrong thing and setting her off.

Dare 18 is the one about fixing the meal for just the two of us. Again the idea is to improve our communication.  I just haven’t figured out how to logistically make that happen.

God would not have brought me this far to have me fail here… I just feel that if we are not making progress then we are sliding backwards. HE is working behind the scenes, of that I am sure. I am being impatient while satan whispers in my ear, about my failures. It is very difficult to wait on Gods timing.

I am praying that God will use me to accomplish HIS will, that he shows me how to accomplish these next few dares.

This weekend had a few ups and downs, although in the light of Monday morning it feels like it went smoothly enough.

I had to work Friday and Saturday evenings from 2pm until after midnight. Sunday was my only day off. Friday night Stacey went with a group of friends to watch the dance performance of our oldest daughter at college. She had a 2 hour drive each way, and it was a very long evening, when she arrived back in town at 1am, I insisted on driving everyone home so that she could get some sleep. This included taking my mother in law home, who lives 45 minutes away. I finally climbed into bed at 3am.

At 7:45am the day started again with Gracie getting up. I fixed breakfast for the little one, had all the kids sign a birthday card for Mommy and give it to her when she got up. We decide to let her sleep in as long as she needed.

Shortly before lunch time I gave her presents to her. I found her a nice chocolate brown fleece jacket and had a friend of hers, a local craft artist, make her an amazing scarf, that I helped with the design of. It truly is a one of a kind present for a one of a kind lady.

Saturday night, Stacey went out to a fancy restaurant and a jazz club with her friends, while I was at work. She arrived home at 2am completely exhausted. I am so very glad that she was able to celebrate her birthday, I only wish that I had been able to participate. I felt once again as though I was being excluded.

Sunday was pretty much a bust. It was my turn to attend the dance performance with my parents. We left home at 11am, which meant that church was missed, in more ways than one.

Over the weekend, I was able to sneak in a few hugs, a couple of pecks on her cheek, a couple of “I Love You’s”.  Not exactly a break through weekend but a series of baby steps.

While writing in Stacey’s journal last night, I made note of the scripture on the bookmark and want to share it with everyone.

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Why is it that times of joy are often followed by times that begin to feel like sorrow?

Because of some events that happened over the weekend and the fact that I expressed to Stacey that I felt like I was the only one trying to make this work, she felt compelled to give me a hug and tell me that she appreciates everything that I have been doing. (wow, long sentence…) This made me feel some love coming from her to me. Two of my love languages in one shot.

After some adjustments, physical and mental, I have been sleeping back in our bed for the last two nights. It still feels a little weird and yet feels very right. I’m sure that we will need further adjustments and time before this starts to feel more comfortable. I keep reminding myself that this is a major step and I need to take time and baby steps for a while, to ensure that we don’t slip back.

This morning, I attempted a hug of my own. Stacey did receive  and return the hug, but it felt to me as if she thought it was an inconvenience. Maybe it was the stress of the morning that she was expressing. I’ll try not to over analyze and consider the fact that it was still a hug.

I thank God everyday, for allowing me to express my love and more importantly HIS love for Stacey.  I am still praying daily for Stacey by name and spending time with God’s word, as I wait for dare 16 to “feel” completed. This weekend is Stacey’s birthday, it has endless opportunities for me to express love. It also has numerous possibilities for me to screw it up.

I decided that I would spend a few extra days on the last dare and really concentrate on my prayer time and studying the word of God. I can really feel Him working in my life as well as my families lives. It has been tough to remember pray. I want to learn to pray to thank God, and not just to lean on Him in times of trouble.

It is my belief that the journal/notebook that I have placed in Stacey’s, car has been accepted with out conflict. I have written in it a few times, and have received no feedback, so I’ll take that as a sign of acceptance. At least she didn’t throw it out.

I have also been reading The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. After reading the book I took the survey in the back and discovered my love language.

The five love languages are as follows:

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Recieving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

My love language is Physical Touch, with Words of Affirmation running a very close second. Now that I know this, I should be able to help Stacey learn to love me in a way that I need, when she is ready.  The roadblock that I am currently facing is trying to figure out Stacey’s primary love language.

In the past she has told me that I should be able to tell that she loves me because of all that she does for me (Acts of Service). She also has bought me several items of clothing that I don’t really need (Gift Receiving). Both of these rated very low in my survey, so I was not recognizing them as gestures of love. It is my current belief that these may actually be Stacey’s primary love languages.

If anyone has any insight on this topic or words of encouragement, I would love to have further input. I am in constant prayer for that “break through” moment in my marriage. As it is I will count all the forward baby steps, as blessings from God.

It’s hard for me to remember too far back in my past, beyond this recent problem. I do recall praying and pleading with God for help and guidance, on what I needed to do for my marriage to survive. Then I was pushed off of my couch before 7 am by someone/something that really wanted me to watch a message on TV by Dr. Charles Stanley’s son, Andy. That is the first time that I learned and understood about unconditional love.

Three areas that I am praying for Stacey are:

1. For her to draw closer to God and want to go to church with the family.
2. Spend more quality time with the boys doing things and less time on the computer.
3. Learn to control spending habits and learn to be a good steward with God’s money

For the record, I am also praying for the same changes in my life. We have both fallen into some bad habits that we need God to help us with.

I prayed these things this morning after Stacey left the house,and I will start praying them when I first wake, before I leave for work, and upon arriving home.

Prayer has been difficult for me in the past, but it is getting easier, with time.

Good Night & God Bless

Ed B.

This dare has been both difficult and easy at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, I have chosen to honor Stacey with all of my actions for a while now, ever since Dare #2. On that dare I started opening the car door for her when ever possible. I have since started building on that daily by making her lunch and hot tea, giving flowers, cards, and small presents. I also have chosen to speak good and honorable things about her to others.

Starting in the next few days, I will be buying a journal/notebook to place in Stacey’s vehicle, with purpose of writing notes/letters of love to express my feelings. My prayer is that Stacey will be curious enough to check daily to see if I have left her a new note.

The past week has been confusing, out of sorts in the Biggs household. Everyone else has been sick at one time or another. It may seem odd but, what I gave up for my wife was daily progress of the Love Dare. I also gave up on the daily up keep of the dishes, laundry, and general up keep of the house; knowing full well that I would need to work twice as hard later to catch up.

I spent most of these days caring for Stacey and the children, making meals, and providing medicine. When Stacey began feeling better, she started helping me with the dishes and laundry, which I did not expect but greatly appreciated.

I learned that while Stacey’s guard was down, due to the illness, that she really does care about what I have been doing. She is either not willing or unable to express it. I am OK with that, as long as God will continue to allow me to continue.

It has been a long week and the Dare was put on hold out of necessity. Dare 14 ask that I do something with Stacey that she enjoys, a project she wants to work on, to spend time together. This is hard enough to complete during the week, given both of our current work schedules. It was made even more difficult this week with Stacey and the kids coming down with the flu.

Stacey was home from work all day Tuesday and Wednesday. I tried my best to show love and caring. Yet I felt very defeated at the end of the first day. I know that is what Satan wants me to feel and maybe I actually made progress. He preys on our strength, while God uses our weakness.

It has been very nice to have Stacey around home the last two days. I am praying that during the down time God was able to work on both our hearts and that Stacey was able to realize that I am finally doing the things that a caring, loving husband should have been doing all along.

Through all of the hard work the past two days, there was an incredible joy of being able to serve her, and the whole family. Just having her here was more than I could have ever asked for. Thank you Lord Jesus!!!

I will be praying without cease for God to show me the opportunity to complete the next dare.