dare2loveyou

I am fighting for our marriage … still.  Every day I pray and ask for mercy in my marriage.  We have been separated for more than 9 months.  We still go to the same church.  On Thursday, J complained that the boys had forgotten to put out the rubbish.  And an old fish can was making a smell.  So I went over and cleaned out her rubbish bin.  Last night we went to the movies together.  I got to tenderly stroke her arm all evening and give her a cuddle before I left.  Tomorrow she is having a minor operation and I asked to take her to the hospital and bring her home.  I have been allowed this opportunity.  I will be praying every moment.

I am trying so hard to endure this separation.  I love my wife J.  I love her more than anything or anyone in the whole world.  J please forgive me enough to let me come home and love you every day.

Lord, I know that you love me.  I love you too.  Can I please have one more miracle?  Can you please work this out for me, because I can’t.  I have told you this many times before.  I love J and I want to be allowed to love her again.  Amen.

I have been separated from my wife J for 9 months on Thursday… but I am still doing the Love Dare day after day.  It is hard.  I apply the Love Dare principles 5 Love Languages daily.  I can truly say that they are a part of my behaviour now and I am thankful to God.  Sometimes I get a smile or a Thank You.  Mostly I get nothing.  I say nice things, don’t concentrate on myself, I talk and listen about her day, I praise her, I buy her dinner and coffee, I buy flowers, I buy her a croissant and the newspaper on a Saturday while I take the boys to cricket on Saturday mornings so she can have a sleep-in.  I have done it all - every so often I run out of ideas, but then something new comes up.  This week I intend to make fresh fruit salad for her breakfast with the newspaper.  Just something different.

I feel under constant persecution from our Church leaders at our Church where I still go.  No-one encourages me.  Even our boys seem to have settled into a routine of me coming and going.

We are polite everywhere.  Our broken marriage is so polite that it has become tolerable to everyone.  Especially at Church where no-one seems to value me.  I take her a coffee after the service at Church - I get a Thank You seemingly because it is the done thing to say.  I cut the lawns at Church last Friday.  I had hoped to do it without people seeing me there.  I wanted to be a bit undercover.  I didn’t want the attention in public.  I did want just a quiet Thank You without the fanfare.  Unfortunately youth group started earlier than I expected so I got caught.

I have stopped mowing our lawn, packing the dish washer, doing the family laundry etc etc.  So she has now mowed the lawn for the first time in months - and it looks shocking.  She forgot to lower the blades so it cut at a decent length and she missed bits.  The lawn looks like a Mohawk’s head!!  No disrespect to Mohawks is intended.  But I didn’t comment - she tried.  There are weeds growing along the walls of our home.  There are weeds in the vegie patch.  There are clothes not put away all through the house.  She is very busy at work.  And tired as a result.  Our youngest hasn’t done his homework in two weeks.  The oldest hasn’t had a hair cut since Christmas.

I am still praying always.  I still love J.  More now than ever.  I don’t know how to win her back.  I give her money for the kids, she has a great job, a great car, a great home, everything.  She is so popular at Church that no-one will do anything to upset her.  Being patient (Love Dare Day 1) is one thing, but will this ever end?  I am even wondering what I am supposed to do if she gives in and asks me home.  How will I know if it is under duress and she doesn’t really want me home, and will going home just make it all worse than it was?  Thank goodness God has a plan because I have no idea….

I am continuing to pray for all Love Darers out there.

I am tired. J is tired. I think I am slowly losing this battle. I don’t want to give up. I am trying to motivate myself but it is so hard. God is my strength but I am slowly losing anyway. Don’t know what to do.

I am going to the doc next week for anti depressants. J says she thinks I have been depressed for a long time. I am hoping she is right and that they will help me.

Please pray for me. Thanks.

I have now been separated for 8 months. I am still fighting for my marriage. I am trying. But I am scared that one day I will have to go to my God and tell Him that I lost my marriage. I do not want to do that. No way!! I love my wife J. Some days I think she loves me. But other days…. So confusing. So frustrating. So … I don’t know. I have never done so much crying in all my life. I haven’t cried for weeks. But tonight in counselling, after counselling…. Am I lost?

I have to present my thoughts on J’s strengths and weaknesses tomorrow at counselling. Please pray for us - I do not want her weaknesses to be negatives.

J got home from her weekend away with the boys. She likes her freezer. We went shopping and filled it up.

I asked her how I was going tonight. All the questions about am I doing good, bad, indifferent, what do I need to do better, differntly, stop doing, when, who, why, where etc etc. She had a small cry and the discussion was not confrontational. She just wants to make sure… which is no comfort whatsoever. She wants space. I want to show her change. I can’t show change if I am not visible. The boys are hurting. Little one (8) had a cry tonight. I hurt. J hurts. I miss our boys. I miss my wife. We prayed at the foot of our bed tonight before I came back to my place - more correctly I prayed, J listened.

Now I am praying alone - Lord God - You know my heart. Please help me understand how to give J space. I long for her to miss me and to seek a relationship with me - not for what I do or give or say - but for who I am. I do not know what else to do. Yes - I know I gave you my relationship - and it does seem like I have taken it back from You. Lord God - I trust You. Please retake my relationship with J. Make it what You want it to be. Glorify Your Name - whatever the cost to me - and Yes, it hurts to say that. Amen.

She loved her new chest freezer. I delivered it this afternoon while the kids were home and J was still at work. The plan was for me to let her find it and then (she is going away with the boys for the weekend) to let her stew on it for the weekend. She texted me to come over because she wanted a hug before she left. I arrived to find her fiddling with the bike rack - 3 bikes but we have 2 kids. She has invited her friend for the weekend - a single mum. Very antagonistic towards me - she is the one who wanted to start a business with J last year (before we separated) but would not show me how our family home, assets etc were protected by insurance from the business. Anyway, I didn’t help with the bike rack - until J really couldn’t manage. If she wants to be single, then let her suffer with bike racks etc. Anyway, she gave me a huge hugs (several in fact) and a lovely kiss, very nice. And asked if maybe we could go away for a weekend sometime as a family. I have been a bit allof. She needs to do some running now. I am almost all out of energy and answers. But i may have finally cracked the code to winning her heart back. My love to you all - it has taken me 8 months to get to this point. I know that there are others out there suffering far worse than me - but I too have been where you are at. It has been very hard - read my early posts - but it is worth the effort.

Despite taking J and the family out for dinner last night, holding hands under the table etc etc, there was no email, no phone call, nothing today…. argh. When will she respond a bit more proactively than simply making me a cup of coffee? Worship while I am waiting wasn’t supposed to be this hard. And I remember feeling sorry for Caleb through his 40 day Love Dare - when he got frustrated and despondent. Yeah, Fireproof is only a movie and has to have a happy ending in 90 minutes…. grrrr.

So I am delivering her new freezer tomorrow. Then she is away for the weekend. I get to sleep in OUR bed babysitting her dog in OUR home. At least I can then mow the lawn and do some other fun things….

J was trying to jam meat and vegies into the small freezer in the top of our fridge last time I was there. SO today, I took the boys out to buy a chest freezer. $400 worth. She has been on about buying a chest freezer for a while so this was my chance to buy something to get her attention. I will deliver it to her on Friday. Now my plan is not to speak or email or text her until Tuesday next week (our next counselling session). She needs time to think me through. And I need time to pray. Monday is 8 months of separation and I am still doing the Love Dare.

Tonight we took my parents out for dinner. She held my hand most of the evening - makes it really hard to eat!! LOL!!

Frustration…. grrrrr!! Praying for all Love Darers. Do not give up.

I am sick of calling home rather than home calling me. I am sick of calling home and interrupting the kids while they watch TV or play computer games. I deliberately call AFTER the Simpsons. I am sick of “Hello - How are you?” “Good thanks, How are you?” style conversations with my wife. Boring. I am sick of making all the running in trying to save our marriage. I am sick of J’s pride. I am sick of J wearing her mother’s second hand clothes. I am sick of living in a trailer park while I wait for J to invite me home. I am sick of counsellors who don’t turn up and who aren’t sympathetic to my efforts to fix my marriage, even when I have done sooooo much work. I am sick of having to tell the counsellor what I have done to save my marriage, rather than J telling the counsellor. I am sick of people (counsellors and church ministers) who belittle the Love Dare - It’s just Hollywood you know?!! There is no abuse in Fireproof. I am sick of being separated being considered normal in my church. I am sick of J being allowed to lead church services while we are separated and especially while I am trying so hard to fix my marriage. I am sick of “every body has problems so there is no reason why J can’t continue her church work”. I am sick of J’s “calling” to be a church minister being justification for sacrificing our marriage - seemingly I will stop her calling. I am sick of my fears of being left on the side (even if we were together again) while she does her church work being ignored.

But I love pears and ice cream with my trailer park trash mate, Graham. Thanks Graham - you are a mate for life!!