Worth Saving

Look back over the dares from previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

No, nothing seemed impossible when looking back. Daunting, yes, but not impossible. God has already changed my heart. Through the past several years he has done this over and over again, with grace and forgiveness (because apparently, i am a little dense about fully letting go… and i have a hunch that i am not alone in this).

God is so good. The past few weeks, i have been blessed with such an amazing core joy. Not the kind of joy that stems from circumstances (good or bad), but the kind of joy that is assurance of God’s unconditional love. It is energizing and empowering even in the thick of a bad moment. I haven’t thought this clearly and had such an overflowing of creativity in a long time.

This level of joy does however have a caution flag. My prayer is that in my enthusiasm, i do not trip over myself. I pray for wisdom and for a thoughtful cadence in how i might repurpose God’s gift of love for me to abundantly love my husband and others in my life.

Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.

Being that the post-illness work is piling up and the annual musical set design/build frenzy that i am involved in has commenced, it was a bit hectic fitting this in and doing it 100%. But I did! I was able to “ship off” one child, but a place for our youngest did not work out. So i integrated him into the plan.

Two days ago, i sent a “formal” e-invitation to my husband for a romantic dinner for two which prompted an electronic RSVP. I was able to prepare a gourmet meal using (with a few minor exceptions) only what we had on hand and in the freezer, as there really isn’t any budget for extras right now.

The dinning room table was set with candles and everything was prepared for our 10 yr. old (after a bit of coaching) to seat us at “our restaurant” and serve us with manners of only the finest inn’s wait staff, then scurried off to his room. He occasionally checked in with us and filled our water goblets. Then he became the “entertainment” (played the piano) while “the chef” prepared a fancy dessert. adorable. My husband really seemed to appreciate the effort and seemed to think it was all pretty fun, but i have to say, conversation for the most part was awkward. Everything i thought to say, i didn’t because i was fearful of a negative spin on the reply and i just didn’t feel like i was strong enough to not be hurt by it and have it ruin the evening. So, it was a pretty quiet dinner.  But the important thing, was that my husband seemed to feel appreciated and celebrated as far as i could tell. I overheard him telling some folks about it at church this morning and tried to not be effected by the heavy focus that was put on my son’s roll and not our time together. But truth be told, he really did steal the show! (unknowingly).

Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe.

Very early on in our relationship, we pretty much discussed and confessed all of our “secrets” to each other. There was a very strong foundation laid of trust, respect, protection and support regarding these things. We both became born again believers a few years after we were married and that probably “sealed the deal”, as we both fully understood what repentance and forgiveness was all about. And i don’t think either of us have ever felt threatened by the other sharing things long put aside.

I tried to bring it up just for the sake of assurance and being type-A, wanted to follow the dare specifically. Silly me. Bad idea. It was instantly met with questions about why on earth i would be bringing this up. Fair enough. So I quickly said that had just had a dream (which is actually true) about something in my past coming back to haunt me and was just reflecting on how blessed we are to have such a loving, forgiving God and the safety of knowing we would always cover for each other regarding things in our past [thanks for putting that in my heart Lord!]. Nothing more was discussed.

However, I did reflect on current issues. I started to really think and pray about his emotional abuse and yes, to some degree, i do keep that secret from our family and friend circles… but i know that this is a different kind of secret. It is one that is harmful and needs to be dealt with, not hidden away. So the rest of my time spent in this dare was talking to God about me having discernment with who to tell and when to tell and how to tell and most importantly, to have the courage to speak the Truth in Love with my husband only  when the Lord guides me to do so. I am choosing to take careful, Jesus-friendly baby steps and not live in fear.

I don’t just have hope. I have assurance.

For perspective, see my prayers from my last post.

The girl who is never sick has been stuck in H1N1 mode for a few days (it was actually nice to have forced downtime!). I was unable to attend church with my family yesterday. After they returned home and the kids were outside raking a ginormous leaf pile and the house was quiet and still. My husband told me that something happened at church. The sermon (start of a new series on peacemaking) was quite powerful and he said that he was so overwhelmed with conviction that he could barely play the drums for the closing set of worship songs. And then he sought out the pastor afterwards to talk with him and pray with him!!! PRAISE GOD! He seemed a little broken when he was telling me about it and even apologized for the person he was (eek. how do you accept the spirit of an apology without acknowledging the untruths of a bad self image?). I could tell that he was not up for a big discussion and could see how seriously draining this had been on him. so i just showed him as much love and compassion as i could (fever and all), while silently sobbing for joy and thanking the Lord for His love and mercy. I know it is just a tiny window, but it IS a window just the same. i know it is my responsibility to show unconditional love and to work hard at not hindering the Lord’s work in how i react to the storm that still is.

ps: he also returned home with lovely, deep salmon-colored roses that are filling the studio with a sweet fragrance.  : )

pss: in my illness downtime, i also started a fun little blog to help others (and keep myself accountable) to not let anything get in the way of experiencing Christ-Joy and celebrating the little things, regardless of our circumstances. It sort of has a non-legalistic, girl-posture to it, but i hope you all enjoy it! email me if you’d like the link. (having the link on here made this personal journal more “search engine friendly”, which probably isn’t a good idea.

Begin praying today for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.

I started this dare yesterday and humbly admit that i gave a half-hearted effort. Today (not sure if this is God-breathed or not), was a scary, turbulent morning that has forced me to my knees in fervent prayer.

These three things i pray from the depths of my heart:

1]  Lord, i pray for my husband’s heart. Please help him to push aside satan’s lies so that he might grab hold of, and celebrate the Christ-Joy that you have already blessed him with years ago, but that he can no longer tap into. He is a good man and i know he loves you, but pride and self pitty have come and his Christian “talk” and his Christian “walk” are severely misalligned and are undermining his witness for you.

2] Lord, give this man the wisdom to separate your truths from the reality of circumstances. Help him to see that no matter how big and pointy the boulders that keep crashing in on our family are, that your grace IS simply, and wonderfully enough. Bless him with a peace that passes all understanding.

3]  Father God, PLEASE, with a gentle hand of GRACE, lift the dark veil of depression and denial so that he can get a clear, simple glimpse at some of the ways he is crushing his wife and children and opposing your will. The magnitude of this is much too great for him to see it all at once Lord, and i now know that these truths can not come from me, but only from you, in your perfect timing. In complete faith in you God, I rest this at your feet and know it will be done. Please God, hold him through this.

Amen.

Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine. It may be holding the door for her. It might be putting his clothes away for him. It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication. Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.

Knowing that my husband has a low self-worth and is angry and very unhappy in his job, i chose to show him honor and respect with an uplifting email in the busyness of our day. I first, after the Lord opened my eyes to something i had done that was selfish, genuinely apologized for putting myself first. i had not even seen this AT ALL until i opened my heart. I think this is what it must be like for him most of the time… his heart is so closed that he doesn’t even realize how he treats me and the children behind closed doors. This not only helped me to realize where i needed to ask for forgiveness, but it also has blessed me with compassion. something i think i run short of on most days.

I then wrote to him “…i was thinking about your drumming with the worship team. It makes me so super proud that you are doing that. what a blessing that the Lord has given you an opportunity to use one of your many gifts to honor him and impact the worship time for so many others. And i bet you inspire a handful of young people that you don’t even realize!!”

His response to the apology was thoughtful and it was well-received. The drumming ministry complement?… not so much. Very negative and doom-gloom about being “the old guy” and not inspiring anyone. This makes me sad because he is unable to celebrate God’s blessings on him. I try to intercede through prayer, and find myself apologizing to the Lord for his behavior. I wonder, is this an honorable thing to do? Or is it being manipulative and protective? …not like the Lord doesn’t know what’s going on anyway!  ; )

I have come to a place of resolve. I know that continual negative or non-responses to my efforts to love him unconditionally is NOT a failure to carry out a dare or a failure of being a loving wife. And i will continue to strive to live a joy-filled life despite it so that i may honor my Heavenly Father as well as trying to bless my husband and others. This is my mission field. May the Lord keep me strong.

Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on. Just be together.

On Friday [i'm still catching up here], my husband sent an email mid-morning stating (emotionless) that he forgot his lunch AND his medication and would i bring them to him. not even a “please” or “can you fit this into your schedule…”.  Sadly, my first reaction was to be annoyed. Yes, the way it was asked was rude, and yes, It is a 30 min. drive each way and yes, i really did have client deadline commitments. But i let LOVE and the Lord’s way respond. I hectically adjusted my work schedule and carefully extended deadlines, i made myself a quick lunch to-go, put rose petals in his lunch box, and i fancy-folded a piece of paper that housed his medicine and the new school photo that our son had just brought home the day before. I purposefully took the time to prepare for and spend his lunch with him. He seemed really glad for the company and enjoyed the “extras”. And even though i was anxious about the time on the inside, i didn’t show it when he wanted to take a quick trip to the agricultural place to purchase bags of corn for his deer stand.

This “stolen time” would not have happened without my obedience to purposefully put my own agenda aside. The sad part, is that my sinful heart took a while to jump into this new posture. But i am so glad i did. It made him feel valued and it helped to set the stage for a mostly lovely weekend.

Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.

Since i have been married for over 17 years, our rules of engagement have long been established, so, during the course of last week, i decided to not say anything “corrective” about our rules, but to observe how we BOTH do or don’t adhere to them. I found that things are not as black and white as i thought they were, or that they should be. I think the combination of my husband’s radical mood swings and how i handle it (good and bad) makes the simple rules convoluted at times. I decided that now is not the time to formally sit down and reestablish this list. Right now, there is not a lot of arguing… there is more avoidance and perhaps childish bickering instead. After a more careful look at how any conflict was handled this past week, i can see where i fall short. I Did go to bed several times with bitterness towards my husband in my heart. And  i also let weakness prevail when i allowed him to provoke me in front of my children. I have to seriously work on this!

The last few days have been so challenging for me. There are two things happening…. the enemy is very hard at work and the Lord is revealing truths (to both my husband and I)… all which makes for quite a bit of turbulence when they are happening at the same time.

I dropped so many balls with the business because i was paralyzed and fearful about sharing truths with my husband that need to be said (about how i am treated), but that might perpetuate more abuse and spur on more of his depression. I spent hours grieving and praying for my him until, in the Lord’s loving, sovereign way, he provided a huge “AH-HA!!” moment through an email from a sister in Christ who knows and understands abuse first-hand. I share it with those of you who might also be in a similar struggle, “…praying for him with urgency is wonderful, but not to the point where it CONSUMES your productive juices, effectiveness as a wife, time and energy, b/c THEN, praying for Peace and desiring Peace is an IDOL, it’s zapping you. God is all about REAL Peace, peace in the face of Truth, even ugly hurtful dark and icky truth, which is what abuse is.”

That was the bonk on the noggin that i needed. an IDOL! Me? I am so humbled at how my loving Father teaches me. Even though my husband is peace-breaking, i know i need to stop peace-faking (by protecting him) and let God lead the peace-making. The Love Dare alone cannot do this, but it (along with the awesome encouraging comments and emails from this community) has been a precious tool that i will not abandon even when on some days, does not “fit” within the circumstances.

He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.

—Prov. 28:13

I got brave again last night. I never had the opportunity to open up  the Dare 13 “rules of engagement” conversation with my husband because instead, the Lord opened the door for more conversation regarding his depression. He was actually sitting with me in the office listening. Sort of. I think it might have been more hearing and less listening though.

It was scary, but i felt led to address things at a deeper level than i have in the past. It was like seeing a steaming mug and carefully dipping your finger in, assuming you will be scorched. More times than i can count, he ignored the core of what i was trying to say with careful manipulation, always steering the conversation back to how much i have failed the business and how much he misses being “mr. mom” and not having to work and even eluded that i am the cause of his blood disease (it’s my fault that there is some mutation in his bone marrow that is making him sick?). It wasn’t an argument. It was him being monotone and playing a victim while i lovingly repeated the same thing over and over again in different ways. I finally broke down and (got brave) sternly said, “I am NOT talking about the business. i am NOT talking about illness. I am NOT talking about finances. I am NOT talking about the house repairs that you can’t do and we can’t afford to have fixed… These things are crappy circumstances, yes. but they are CIRCUMSTANCES. What i am talking about is how we react to these circumstances and how much your family is hurting and is being seriously wounded by how you are handling them”.

For the first time, i saw a glimmer of remorse as he hung his head. I was sad, yet hopeful that i may have peeled off a layer. I told him how very much i loved him and how i grieve daily for him and begged him to seek help to push satan’s lies out of his life. He said that he was annoyed that i danced around happy all the time when he knows i am not happy. Then he said that he had talked to the pastor and some other men and they told him that he should be working with me on revising our business plan. WHAT? Little circles of irrational madness. I gave up.

Before bed and again this morning, he acted like the conversation never ever happened. I had a big big (unbillable time) cry and time of prayer and am back to trying to tap my Christ-joy so i can dance around regardless of my circumstances.

The emotional state of my husband will determine if i will proceed with dares in the next few days. I don’t want to derail the potential of more discussion after he has some time to think and HOPEFULLY pray. Please, please be praying for his eternal perspective. I am convinced that if he would seriously humble himself before the Lord, this big confusing fog would evaporate from him and he could be the man God has made him. And together, we could be joyful and laugh at our circumstances and celebrate all of the blessings of oneness. What a treasured gift and life altering lesson that would be for our children!

Today, i will revisit dare #1 in a new way. Today, i will put my efforts into being PATIENT with the Lord.