Bob714

OK, another gimme.  This is perhaps the easiest dare for me to do, and I have been doing it for the past year since I first read this.  I make it a point to greet my wife positively and enthusiastically.  I genuinely am glad to see her, and I make sure she knows it.

I might be getting a break on this one – this does not seem like as huge a deal as Days 6 & 7.  I have actually worked on being my wife’s cheerleader for several years – ever since I was disapproving of a job she took about 6 years ago.  She did not take my disapproval as an indication of what she should or should not do, she took it as a personal attack and began to keep me out of that part of her life.  I worked through that in counseling and realized that she was going to do what she wanted to do; either I could support her or hurt her.  I chose to begin supporting her and have tried to support her in her endeavors, even if I don’t really agree.  I have worked to encourage her and cheer her in everything.  (She works as an independent accountant and has multiple small clients with the goal of working about 20 hours a week, mostly from home.)

But perhaps I am jealous of her ability to be the social leader of the family.  She has great ideas of things to do.  When she suggests something, everybody wants to do it.  When I suggest something, everybody groans (and it is usually dropped).  It generally does not escalate into a negative situation, but it hurts, especially to see the kids always look to her to have fun.  I always support the things she suggests, but she has mentioned this as a negative to me: that it is always her responsibility to come up with things to do.  When I point out that I have ideas that are shot down, she points out that my ideas are not things the kids want to do.  I don’t know if this is something that I can really change or not.

Update on my life.  I am an independent computer programmer, which means that I have to find my own work.  Sometimes there is plenty and sometimes there is not.  I just found out that a project that I had been planning on was cut.  I had spent 3 months unpaid learning new technology, then just got started when the situation with my family hit.  I took a few weeks off, then expected to go back.  I found out last week I have no work.  I have been 5 months without income and not looking for other projects.  This is devastating financially and doesn’t do anything to create trust for my wife that I can support her financially.  I am scrambling to find more projects but these things usually take a month or two, and headed into the holidays is not a good time.

So my request today is prayer that I will find work, as well as that I will be able to be my wife’s unconditional cheerleader.

Bob

Day 6 was so powerful for me, I wasn’t ready to move on.  I kept re-reading it, looking up scriptures, and praying and meditating.  I was getting a pretty good understanding of the problem, but was unsure of how to go about solving it.  I need to rid myself of selfish desires and inappropriate lust, and especially rid myself of resentment of my wife for not giving me everything I feel I am entitled to.

Then I had an amazing thought: (sarcasm intended) read the next chapter in the Love Dare.  I read Day 7 and the wisdom of the book never ceases to amaze me.  Although not a 100% quick fix solution, I realized that spending time in the Depreciation Room intensifies the frustration, anger and bitterness.  If I continue to spend time in the Depreciation Room I will never be able to rid myself of bitterness and anger and replace it with pure love for my wife. 

I must choose to spend time in the Appreciation Room.  I have made feeble attempts at this since the first time I went through the book a year ago.  But it has been an intermittent effort to appreciate.  I have not made a concerted effort to STAY OUT OF THE DEPRECIATION ROOM!!!  I now COMMIT  to avoiding dwelling on negative things about my wife.  I have somewhat contemplated divorce as an acceptable option until this week.  Wednesday I went to consult with an attorney about my ‘rights’ considering that I am being kept out of my house for no legal reason.  I quickly found out I have no rights, to my house, to my property, or to my family.  All my wife has to say is that she and my daughter do not feel safe with me in the house and a judge will grant whatever restraining order she wants (as part of filing for divorce, which is what will happen if I push the issue.)

I have been spending time in the Depreciation Room, dwelling on all the negative things, as I contemplated divorce.  I must really cease and desist; I must put out all negative thoughts.  I must dwell on the positive aspects.  I must look for and focus on the positive.

Also: I was reading in Galatians 5: 13-15 this morning, ‘serve one another in love’.  I must focus on wanting what my wife wants.  Make her preferences my preferences.  Do what she wants me to do, because that is what she wants and believes is best for the family.  I must totally put aside any of my own wants or preferences.

My desire is to love my wife with a pure unconditional love.  I don’t think I have ever done this; I always had expectations (strings attached).  I am praying to know God’s love, and to be a reflection of that love to my wife.  I am praying that she will see this in me & feel this from me.  I am praying that I will be able to grow in this area, and never go back.

Thanks to all who are praying for us.

Bob

This is one chapter that I would like to say is not a problem and breeze past.  But it would be a lie.  My wife frequently accuses me of being irritable.  I really don’t think that I am all that irritable, but maybe I am.   My first excuse is reason #1 in the book: stress.  So I try to control the stress, and try to be less irritable.

But as I read the chapter today, I was hit by reason #2.  Selfishness.  I know I am selfish.  I have worked on it, but it is not easy to just ‘not be selfish’.  I work at putting others first, especially my wife, but then suddenly it hits without notice – I am irritable because I am not getting what I want.  I usually don’t recognize it until after the fact.  Just processing it and writing right now has been enlightening.

I’m sitting here crying as I read and re-read the part about being easily angered because of selfishness and lust.  My problem is lust in the traditional sense.  I have worked to control sexual desires outside of marriage, but turn my desires on my wife, and she cannot fulfill them.  Probably due to my wrong (selfish, lustful) attitudes, she doesn’t even want to try.  She constantly accuses me that all I want is sex.   I am unable to deal with the frustration that this causes – it becomes bitterness and anger, and comes out as irritability.  I never put this together until I read this chapter today .  Now I realize that being filled with selfishness and lust explains all this.

I am seeing this as a vicious cycle.  She doesn’t feel like being intimate with me because of the way I treat her.  This frustrates me, and I become more irritable.  This causes her to be even less interested.  This causes me to be even more frustrated and irritable… Wow, 18 years of that no wonder there is tension in our marriage!  No wonder she is OK with me not being in the house!

This will not be quick or easy to deal with.  I always blamed my frustration on her – if she would satisfy me, then I would not be so frustrated.  But God is showing me right now that this is my problem to deal with – right now, when I am completely out of the house and not with my wife at all.

Please Pray that I will be able to deal with this - and completely replace the lust in my heart with love.

Bob

OK, I realize every page of the Love Dare book helps us show our love to our spouse.  And I am using what I have learned and it is helping.  But there is one concept I would like specific help in - not sure if this is specifically covered in the book or not.

How to verbally say I love you.

I am seeing some slight warming in our relationship right now and I want to take the opportunity to tell her I love her as often as possible, but when I just say “I Love You” she does not believe it.

Background: I have been telling my wife I love her at least once a day for about the past 3 years.  (Usually “Goodnight, I Love you” or “See ya’ later, love you”.  She has reciprocated about 3 or 4 times (in 3 years) and never initiated.

About a year ago when I told her I loved her she suddenly asked why.  I said because you are my wife, and God has commanded me to love you.   Most of you probably just gasped and said wrong answer.  I know that now.  My wife (later) used that against me to prove that I do not love her.  She does not believe that I love her and sometimes I question it myself.

I have learned from that and since that time I have tried to use specific examples as often as possible; my goal is once a week but it is probably more like once or twice a month.

“I appreciate that you take the time to pick our daughter up from volleyball practice every day,  that is why I love you.”

“I appreciate that you made pancakes at 10:00 at night (when we were all hungry). I love you because you do things like that.”

“I really like your sexy long legs, that is one of the many things that I love about you”

Since her love languages are acts of service and quality time, I try to praise her for acts of service and tell her that is why I love her.  But it almost seems corny to tell her “that is why I Love you” every time I express appreciation for something – especially if small.

Am I on the right track?   Please give me your feedback.  Give me some specific examples if possible.  I am looking for more and different ways.  Don’t be afraid to critique my examples.  Maybe just tell me what works for you, and I can adapt it to my wife.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, we had a chat last night.  I would usually call such interactions ‘rants’ because mainly she rants about what she doesn’t like.  But last night had a softer tone, so I will call it a chat.

First, a comment about the dare.  I don’t consider myself rude.  I have worked for years to be kind and considerate of her.  But I know I still fail the ultimate test – I am nicer and more considerate to strangers and coworkers than I am to her.  I continue to work on that.

One specific angle on rudeness:  I tend to respond to her emotion with logic.  When there is an issue that has her emotionally upset, I still respond with logic.  I do not tune in to her emotions.  I am really working on this but it is difficult.  Last night I did a bit of both, but was probably more in tune with her emotions than ever before.

For those of you that don’t know I am separated from my wife.  The official reason is that my 16 year old daughter made allegations of abuse, and I was forced to leave.  Children Services investigated and found no basis to file charges, but my daughter is still concerned about me being around, and my wife is taking her side.  My wife has wanted a separation for years, and she has taken this opportunity to keep me out of the house.  It is extortion but what am I to do?  (She has threatened to file divorce if I do not fully cooperate with her.)

Anyway, last night she texted me asking if she could come over for a little bit.  We spent 3 hours talking, most of it rehashing old stuff.  But I realized that she was focusing mainly on our relationship.  This is the first she has focused on our relationship since I was forced out of my home.  She was still listing all the things that she doesn’t like about me.

Anyway, I had the opportunity to tell her over and over that I love her, and give reasons why I love her.   I also had the opportunity to tell her that I appreciate her parenting, and the sacrifices she makes for the kids.  She came back with how I keep saying she is a bad parent.  I was able to assure her that I appreciated her as a parent, even if I do not agree with her 100% of the time.

She has had a hard time for years accepting that I love her, and that I appreciate her as a mom.  I think she accepted both just a tiny tiny bit last night.    There seemed to be a tiny desire to make this marriage work; I think she wants to but doesn’t believe it is possible.

As we left I gave her a hug and kissed her on the cheek.  That is normal for the past few years, but the first time she let me since the exile.  However, as she headed out the door, she gave me a small hug and kissed me on the cheek!!!  It has been a LONG time since she did that!!!   Years!!!  It felt incredible – like the first time we kissed over 19 years ago!!!

Not sure what to post.  I should move on with the dare but I just can’t.

I know some of you are wondering what is going on in my situation.

Last week I was interviewed by children services and they told me at the end of the interview that the allegations were determined to be unsubstantiated and no charges would be filed.  That was good news but no huge surprise because I knew I was innocent.

When I texted my wife I got no response.  I had to ask her later if she got the message and she simply said yes.  The problem is that she has made it clear that she still is not convinced of my innocence.  She said one of us is lying (my daughter or myself) and if she has to choose she will choose to protect her daughters.  She clarified that I am not allowed to move back in the house, and am not allowed in the vicinity of any of my daughters without her around.  She has no respect for the system that found no basis for the allegations.

So I have basically 2 choices, with no grey area in between.  I can force the issue – she has no legal ground for keeping me away.  That will end the marriage.  She said she will file charges against me to keep me away, and they will stick if she says the same thing my daughter says.  Another time she simply said if I come back she will take the kids and leave.  She will probably do all of the above, and file for divorce as well.  All this she has said in various conversations.

My other option is to love her unconditionally. Go along with her in complete submission.  Do not push her, do not argue.  Just go along with everything, including asking permission every time I come on the property, even when staying far from the house.  (She said I can do no more than what absolutely has to be done on the farm, and that is take care of the animals, period.  And check with her every time.  She does allow me to work with my son but challenges how long we take.)

She did accompany me to the marriage counselor tonight.  But all she said was the stuff I wrote above, and would not budge an inch.  And refuses to discuss a time table.

She is allowing ‘visitation’ with the two girls that have not accused me, but only with her present, and at her convenience.  I was able to spend about 1.5 hours with them Sunday.  They don’t know how to act, partly because they have not been told the allegations have been determined to be false.  My wife agreed (tonight in counseling) to tell them, but she is more likely to tell them ‘the case is closed’ than she is to tell them that the allegations were found to be false and no charges will be filed.

I am concerned for the 16 year old that has the issues, but I am also concerned for the other 3 that are being traumatized needlessly by my wife at this time.  They do not have a dad in the house.   Dad is not allowed in the house except for very limited visitation.  The longer it goes the more damaging it will  be for them.  Especially since the legal system has determined that there is no basis for the charges.  She is basically telling them that I may still be guilty and that I cannot be trusted.

Thanks for your prayers.  Pray that I will be strong and continue to do what is right.  (Daily I consider calling the divorce lawyer.)  Pray for healing for the daughter (16)  who still does not want to be around me.  Pray that my wife will know the truth and will learn to trust me.  Pray for healing and protection for the 3 other children that they are not harmed emotionally by all this.

Thank you,

Bob

I wish I had started this dare 18 years ago.  The comments in the book about (mis) communication were written about us.  I was not thoughtful for the first 15 years of our marriage.  It is difficult to turn this around.  I have tried for the past several years to better at this.  I know I have done better.  But maybe not consistent enough.  I have done the dare (contact your spouse and ask them if they need anything) several times in the past year but I need to make it a regular habit – and with the right attitude.  I cannot do the dare today because there is nothing I can do for my wife while I am in exile.  But I commit to doing it as soon as I am able.

Recap of the week

Tuesday I learn allegations have been made that I inappropriately touched my daughter and  I must leave the home.

Wednesday I realize that my wife is not supporting me.

Thursday my wife tells me (via email) that if I am going to our church (on Sunday) she and the kids will not.

Friday she tells my brother and sister-in-law (where I am staying) that even if charges are dropped, she will not let me come home.  If I do not cooperate, she will take legal action.  (I did see it as a positive that she wanted to speak with them, but the news was not good.)  They told her she needs to tell me personally.  So she texted me ‘we need to talk sometime this weekend’.  I texted back and decided on tonight(Saturday)  after she dropped one of the girls at an activity.  A time was not mentioned but I knew she was to be dropped off at 5:15.

All afternoon I was apprehensive and my mind was mush.  From about 4PM I could not think or do anything so I spent the next hour in prayer.  And the next.  She finally texted me at 7:12, and finally came over about 7:40.  We went out for coffee and actually had a decent time most of the time. Finally after about an hour she did open up more about how the kids were doing.  (first she just said ‘fine’.) 

After a long silence, she told me very seriously and very clearly that even if charges are dropped, she will not allow me to come back home.  She does not trust me with the girls.  If I do not cooperate, she will take legal action, either a restraining order, or file for divorce which will give her the automatic right to a restraining order.  She also mentioned that the allegations are more than touching, also watching / voyeurism.  I am absolutely innocent of that as well, and am comfortable in my innocence, but it will be harder to prove, and is more likely that charges will be brought.

I want to thank all of you that are praying.  Please continue to pray.

God, I ask you to send your Holy Spirit to my wife and bring to her a sense of peace and security.  Speak to her and help her to see that she can trust me with our daughters.  Fill me with the Holy Spirit to guide me as I communicate and also that she can sense from being with me that I can be trusted.

I pray for my 16 year old that she will find peace in her  heart, the peace of Jesus Christ.

I pray for each of the others that they are not traumatized by all of this.  I pray that the 2 remaining to testify will be able to speak the truth and remain calm and not hurt emotionally by all this. 

God, I pray that no charges are brought, and I pray that our family can begin the process of reconciliation, whatever form that might take.

I pray this in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ,

Amen

Day 3 Love is not selfish

Selfishness is something I’ve struggled with for a long time.  My wife definitely believes that I only think of myself.  That really hurts, especially since I have worked hard on that.  It is still hard for me.  I understand the harm of giving to receive a reward.  And I think I am able to give unconditionally.  But when my wife continues to accuse me of always expecting something in return, I begin to doubt myself.   Am I still giving, expecting something in return?   Or is she refusing to acknowledge my change?   When I ask for specifics, her examples do not make sense.  Maybe I just don’t get it.

I thought my situation (see my entry ‘please pray’ on 9/22) was just a holding pattern in exile until my name is cleared.  I am not allowed to see or speak with any of my children.  But it continues to worsen.  I thought I could stand firm against false accusations.  But I am crumbling under the abandonment of my wife.  Yesterday she emailed me and asked me to find another church to go to on Sunday.  I said I was thinking I would come for first service and sit with her, (which is our norm) then leave before second service (when I would normally sit with the kids).  I clarified that I wanted to sit with her only if she wanted to sit with me, not because she ‘should’ or ‘has to’ or to make things ‘look good’.  She responded that if I was going to be at our church, her and the kids would not come at all.

That was a blow worse than the false accusation.  I can stand knowing I did nothing wrong in the false accusation, even if I am for some reason found guilty.  But my wife turning against me?  Not wanting to spend even a small amount of time with me?  I know some of you reading this have experienced this and worse.  The pain is unbearable.

Lord God, soften my wife’s heart.  Speak to her and help her to see that you love her and that I love her.  Break the chains of bondage that hold her in false beliefs, whatever they are.  Help her to see that our children need a mother and a father in the home; a mom and dad that love You and love each other.  I pray that she would begin to seek You and Your will for her.  I pray for her Christian friend, that the friend would speak wisdom from You, that would warm my wife’s heart toward You and toward me.

I pray for a speedy resolution to the accusations at hand so that our family can be reunited.  I pray for protection for our children, that they are not traumatized by this, that they see the truth, and that the result of this will be a closer family.  I pray especially for the 16 year old who I believe made these false accusations out of the pain in her heart.  I pray for her to find peace in you.  I pray that she would feel your Love, and my love for her.

God, if there is any uncleanness or evil in me that gives my wife reason to want to separate from me, reveal it to me and cleanse it from me.  Speak to her spirit and create in her a desire to reconcile.  Help me to do a better job of loving her unconditionally.

In the name and in the blood of Jesus Christ our Lord,

Amen